Tattoo talks

talking to emma (wendy’s daughter) about tattoos and artists and all that stuff and im basically having a anxiety attack talking to someone i dont really know and especially not in person about things that are important to me but im not very good at putting into words in writing not out loud
im second guessing everything im saying
on the subject of artists
‘you should click with them they should make you feel confident and comfortable’
i dont just click with anyone i cant talk to people or feel confident in most settings im not a functioning human
this is a really weird dynamic
is dynamic even the right word
i feel like we’re almost trying to validate eachother in this conversation to confirm that what we’re saying is ok and we’re not stepping too far off the mark
its very strange

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streak

ive used three different kinds of dye over the last two days and now my nails are stained purple pink and red
not so bad if it were intentional but theyre patchy and annoying
also
I FUCKING HATE FIREWORKS
some idiot is setting them off at the moment and its so not in season
if i were a rain cloud i would target them specifically

i have never gotten so emotional over a character death (like ever in the history of all the book ive read and tv shows and movies ive seen in my entire life) as i did in guardians of the galaxy volume 2
it was the worst emotional shit in a very long time that was just fully sad
just deep aching sadness that came from fucking nowhere
rebecca is home
i have a barely noticeable purple streak in my hair and ive got to admit i miss changing my hair colour more often

moooooovie

no not the cows
so i watched the next episode of telltale’s guardians of the galaxy and decided that i might as well watch the actual movies
so i did
i also have custard
found old photos of me and jordan and written on the back of one of them was that i was going to marry him
not that i was thinking that if i saw him at the memorial id hope he would propose but like it would be interesting to see him now
i dont really remember anyone else from back then
i kinda remember the playground out the back of the playgroup and sunday school room and also the hall a bit with the giant plastic fort thing and then building castles out of the big wooden blocks
i remember his birthday party at chipmunks and also pizza at his place for a party and the party where we met at the band rotunda and put all our map pieces together and ended up at the beach with a treasure chest and then climbing the treehouse tree and naming the branches i dont remember much else but i know i loved him in a four year old kind of way maybe i still do in a four year old kind of way
guardians made me cry too much it wasnt ok
watching the second one now
the memorial for chris wyatt is on saturday thats what got all this going
im considering dying a streak of the red purple
i dyed mums hair again and now my hand is stained pink
i may have also stained the phone when i had a chat with aunty diana
my hands will also be slightly red tomorrow once ive tinted my hair
and maybe purple of the streak works out
i miss the whole riverdale people it was a good world… still got jughead if im honest

about a storm

so i didnt go to sleep till 3am
and for the first time in a very long time i took my window off the catch because i was sick of the whiny bugs coming in and me having to find them and kill them in the dark
at half past five there was lighting and thunder and rain that woke me up
and because i took my window off the catch and properly shut it the water that had been coming in at the top
yes water pouring in on the inside of my window
was pooling on the windowsill
it was the most of a storm theres been in a very long time
thunder lightning rain hail wind the whole thing
and i went to get mum cos i figured that she couldnt sleep through it if i hadnt like me who sleeps through earthquakes woke up to this storm so she would definitely be awake
i gave her a fright opening her door cos she had just gotten up too
ended up putting towels in the bathroom toilet and my room because the water was just flooding in
by 6 id had breakfast and after only like two hours of sleep i went back to bed
then woke up at lunch when wendy was here and whatever whatever
watched dead men tell no tales
and youtube and
AND
finished riverdale
responses to season one episodes 10 onward went as follows (its a lot ok allow me)

this was a bad idea from the start
thats not how you sing happy birthday
love how you timed him to be perfectly the right distance away to sing the whole song before you got to him
yo yo that was harsh its a good thing i started to like you before all this happened
she is kinda pathetic though
youre being a dick cos youre lonely stop
wait maybe i was a little right about the twincest thing
finally your dad is being responsible
also guess who’s gonna hate birthdays even more after this
you live here why are you going like i get why but still
i don’t ship it though
ALICE FROM THE SOUTH SIDE damn
i kinda like the snake metaphors but not really
YOURE NOT WEARING YOUR BEANIE
are your nails even long enough bitch?
i know what its like though man just cut your nails and its fixed
don’t kiss her again bro it aint good
just hurry up and figure out the killer
stop
he just has a problem with kissing girls with lipstick
it didn’t go all the way right?
ok maybe it did?
yeah and this time ya fucked him
we’re home????
don’t side with mrs cooper mrs cooper is a dickbag
cancer?
nah nah nah nah nah boi nah nah nah
ma boy actually looked happy
its been two years you guys need to halt don’t get his hopes up
thanks you for not putting that on your own hand you bitch
i don’t trust your milkshakes anymore lady
so i was right not to trust the smoothie milkshake whatever
what did they leave what did they do wrong
Why AreYoU HHOldinng hAndS Wyit Both oF ThEm
you have the ring you nasty bitch
good you got balls for like two seconds congratulations
yes hug him hug him hug him please don’t slap him
bitch
thats not the kind of incense i thought it was gonna be
⅛ th blossom
actually felt a little sorry for cheryl there
dead? dead?
DeaD
overdose but was it forced?
can none of the kids drive here?
yes boy you got it boy boy you done it
why are we drowning in maple syrup?
all the parents did it
i don’t think fred did though
cheryl is about to get rkoed
i think you should have kept that last part till the next episode
but why monroe?
i see your scooby doo reference
FRED IS TOO PURE FOR YOUR BULLSHIT
cut your fucking nails bitch
she might be ok but he isn’t not the way he looked at her nah
woAHHHH she fcked him right off there
no cos youre just a pretty face youre kinda useless
take archie out of the story and what happens?
you started unbuttoning your top button geez betty youre starting to let yourself go
what what why is he ok
i don’t actually want her to die
so now the thin ice doesn’t matter
jesus blood
dude hulked the ice but like ginger hulk with lots of blood
you just tried to kill yourself? ok time to get drunk
so thats when he actually hurt himself
not true you lying shit you like her
stop fondling his earlobe you weirdo
good thing she didn’t say what song they were playing because that would have been awkward
have they even had time to practice it together? lol nope but its gonna sound great anyway
who’s gonna come in and shoot up the place thats my question
they all manage to have different milkshake flavours veronica’s is very dark and betty’s is light and vanilla and archie’s is half of each he isn’t ok or decided or anything
is she burning herself down too?
up to some hanky panky in that clean trailer eh?
yo he took his beanie off he’s ready (in the same way that ksi says ready in his disstracks)
HE SAID LOVE (I’m not crying youre crying)
everyone is up to shit tonight
nah don’t show me this same shit with betty and jughead i couldn’t handle that
nah nah nah they’re doing it
they all probably have real boners
imagine acting this there’e be no background music or anything it must be so awkward
i know why i like him he wears grey long-sleeved shirts they’re my only weakness
of course it would be her mom i know its not but thats seriously something she would do
i know i said i didn’t want this but damn DaMn
he cute he hot he weird he a snake now
snek snek snek snek
those sleeves are a little tight on your biceps is that the point?
does this mean pops is getting shot up? I’m still waiting for people to come in brandishing guns
DONT LEAVE YOUR DAD ALONE HE ABOUT TO BE SHOT
that pause face though
no fred fred no i love you don’t do it
FRED CANNOT DIE HE IS THE ONLY GOOD PERSON LEFT OUT HERE
WHERES THE MOTHERFUCKING TRAILER FOR SEASON TWO
you burnt your mum up? but she was ok you lot were outside watching it burn and now she’s fucked up???

GIBBON

just one
a single gibbon
went to orana park with lily after planning it for a year
i got a wrist band at the gift shop
its great
we were a few hours in when i was getting pretty bad period symptoms like hot flushes and cramps and back pain so we went to get food but i felt shit and figured i wasnt going to get better any time soon so we contacted rides and then went to the ape enclosures
there werent any other gibbons out
CAPE BARREN GOOSE
(accidentally on purpose sent one to charles on instagram cos i was sending them to lily and his name was under hers)
it had a nest with eggs
and now i know what theyre called
we were retards but thats ok
did some art
the thing tomorrow was cancelled with holly
good thing i messaged jess to ask if she was going cos otherwise i wouldve turned up
ive been left on seen by a tattoo studio
my fucking life

just messaged the studio and im scared

ok so im not getting a reply tonight because it was out of hours but still i messaged them on facebook about time booking and design or whatever and i did it its done
ok so nothing else really of note but had a shit time trying to get the things to load today
also had the same issue with the time out on the wifi that we had over winter
i think it really is the bad weather
orana park with lily tomorrow
had the slightest thought of inviting people (yes person ok whatever) but felt like that would be a bit much
havent spoken to person since saturday and that was not even a conversation so no point getting emotional about it and also there wont be anything happening now or in the future there cant be like i have nothing to say to him no conversation topics i cant message him cos i have nothing to say
he is a lot easier in person
started reading another of katie’s books the second noah and echo one and i feel like im kinda missing out on the first one but also its not so bad either on its own
i can kinda relate to echo with her unsureness about intimacy with noah and being afraid of certain things to do with all that but wanting to do it and not being able to make herself
but she gets over it
kinda
and i hope eventually given the right time place and person maybe I’ll be ok too

so i gave in to the pop culture

and by that i mean riverdale
yeah that show
maybe youve heard of it?
theres not really much to say other than im up to episode 10 and ive kept a bit of a reaction record to the whole thing and yeah as much as i was sceptical at first (this whole watching it thing started with seeing irish people react to it on the facts channel) its not too bad
its nothing new by a long shot but i can see how its got its following and ok maybe got attached to a character or two but like it is what it is
palatable and easy watching

THE FOLLOWING IS REACTIONS AND THOUGHTS FROM WATCHING THE FIRST 9 EPISODES OF RIVERDALE

jughead is a dick
creepy twins
why are you lot wearing so much white your dry cleaners bill must be massive
the whole grundy and andrews thing started weird and i don’t think its ended yet
this was made for you to ship them in the beginning
i have had too much of my own experience with unrequited love for this to be ok
yo i knew it wasn’t over but thats such and awkward way to hold someones hand
dude she is so not worth it
i swear jughead isn’t real and is just the collective conscience of everyone in (i almost said sweet valley high) riverdale
bettys mom is a bitch and of course they went with betty from elizabeth not beth or liz or lizzy no she can’t have a cool name its gotta be the lame one cos she’s a lame goody good
about time something exciting happened but the fight scene was like two seconds
it shoulda been longer also why were all those people who don’t actually belong together in the same room? whats up with that
i like his dad though
why is there rain on the inside of her umbrella
he was way too slim and doll like to be a footballer
ok so she actually had feelings once
twincest thing seems to be going on but like ew and no and that wouldnt be in here
this kinda reminds me of glee a little bit
it makes it sound like they were faking his death and then he got shot
of course she is dark and double dark and then betty is old-fashioned and light and vanilla and sweet and harmless and oh good youre ticking the boxes of so many stereotypes here
i swear jughead isn’t real like he just narrated himself out of the booth
a WEEK laTeR
wait who the fuck is polly really though?
nope back off her dude
ok so jugheads father is the head bro in snakes? and yeah so he was living in the projectionists booth – cool and now he has nowhere to live
ok so just stick two ginger people together and they’re twins? cool
need to find polly
its like zac efron in high school musical
what happened to jugheads sister?
ok ok I’m kinda a fan of jughead now
MONROE MONROE MONROE the dude who played monroe in Grimm is jugheads dad and his eyes his eyes holy shit he’s such a great dude that scene like fuck
um what hey what wait a second what that jersey um jasons jersey thats not supposed to be in monroes house
i don’t like your thighs archie i don’t like thighs in general but in those jeans i don’t like yours especially
no of course youre not a perfect father you called your son jughead
i approve of your thumbs
woah woAH WOAH excuse me sir tis not your body tis not your desision
this is not overreacting this is entirely justified
go alice
cAPAblE CAPABLE hunny no alice no what did you do what did you just do
what i don’t approve of is everyone wearing their shoes in the house AND ON THEIR BEDS yes i know this is a film set but nah kids
cute taxi
wHAT wrong house babe wrong house
I’m glad they bought ethel back
you should be wearing real pants its snowing
and people said gingers can’t wear red
clifford the big red dog
ew gross don’t call her awesome youre about to kiss her stand down boy
are you not cold
why does everyone in this thing wear chokers? whats wrong with a pendant every so often
ohh her too her too oh oh
swear youre all about to be vampires

concludes 9 episodes of riverdale without any context

Life Happens (beware the blood)

ok so gonna cover a
well its normal
i was going to say its an odd topic but generally as it affects so many people its not odd just not talked about and i especially dont really talk about it
and since ive done nothing today but watch youtube and deal with this
and i havent really in depthed this yet
here goes
periods
so yeah thats a thing
i knew last night
because i was 11 days late (according to the app i use to track it) that i would be triggering my period because sometimes my uterus forgets im a woman if i leave it alone and yeah i guess i could use the word unstimulated (still not yet a topic i want to cover maybe one day but not today)
so the average cycle is 28 days meaning roughly once a month but since the end of year 9 (where i missed like two or three months after being regular like clockwork) it got a bit out of wack
it wasnt till probably last year that it started getting very un-co but i was noticing longer cycles and definitely being late
its quite possibly to do with diet and exercise (IM TAKING A MOMENT TO CELEBRATE THAT IVE SPELT EXERCISE RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY FOR THE FIRST TIME MAYBE EVER) and stress but it can also just be a personal body thing
the first (i had this app before on my old phone but didnt really use it as well as i do now) cycle i tracked (keep in mind the average is 28 days) lasted 58 days
fifty eight
thats a month longer its one fully missed period
now i dont really know what was going on at that point in my life but i could i guess look it up
i looked it up and i t was a time where i probably wasnt eating great and had donated blood but nothing really stood out as something that should alter my cycle
but my average is still longer than normal as its 33 days
until today this morning the horrible i know im waking up with this and i dont want to move in case something bad happens feeling
it was 44 days and i know by the time ive missed it how i can trigger it but there never seems to be a good time
(this may also explain why i was so fucking emotional about charles and catherine the last couple of days instead of just being a pathetic asshole)
there is no good time to have a period
but to know it’s come and that i dont have to carry a tampon around in my pocket (yeah that happened for the last week of school where i knew i was late but didnt know when it would come and any remotely weird feeling i had sent me running to the bathroom) and it’s the holidays which is a slight blessing
when i was younger i also dont think i ever really got bad cramps but this year theyve been worse
what works is either a cooling cream (anti-flamme.. which sometimes works but not always) a hot water bottle (only works on my stomach because i cant lie on it) wheat bags (have a good weight and can put them behind my back and not worry about them exploding) and exercise
its shit that doing exercise helps my cramps and generally just makes me feel better when i have my period because its really something thats hard for me to start doing
like as much as i want my cramps to go away its also the whole moving around and worrying about leaking and just not wanting to move in general that brings an anxiety to it that makes me not want to do it even if it will help
you know what also sucks about periods
GRAVITY
i dont have a good analogy for this but after sitting down or lying down sleeping the whole sitting up and getting up process, for me at least, is just a little bit stressful especially given some dodgy history
i also kinda want to add for no specific reason that i didnt tell my mum that i’d gotten my period for a few months after the fact like i left it a few times and then when she asked eventually i said yes (there were also some other problems with some things that i dont want to go into like ever but yeah i hope ill remember what that was later)
i remember the exact moment i first got my period it was at primary school i was in year eight and i knew what had happened and i think i just got by for the first few times from stealing things from my sister to deal with everything
and then theres now where im 18 and have got my system sorted
the thing is the whole pad vs tampon thing is all about occasion and im not going into that but i have been considering other options recently
like sure in the past with my ex we’d talked about birth control but at the time i couldnt swallow pills and we werent at the point where it was relevant for other reasons
other contraceptives never really seemed like an option because of them either feeling inaccessible or not wanting that specific kind
now theres diva cups or whatever the non branded name for them are and thats something to be considered too with all the chemicals in the processed cotton and waste products who knows when i find one in a shop we’ll see but who knows

and that concludes tonights rant about periods
(i say tonights like its a regular occurrence but hell no)

better? (plans finally coming into fruition)

lily deleted facebook so the only options for me to get to her are texting which is money i dont really want to spend and messaging her on snapchat which is when my keyboard fucks up and adds random wirds for no reason
but finally we’ve made plans to go to orana park on tuesday like we said we would last year when i went for the first time
nothing else really and i think ive been ok most of the day because i havent messaged him and turned off chat for catherine which made me feel slightly better now that i can kinda forget that she exists and not see them online at the same time
ive been on youtube all day which has been wonderfully distracting and also sat in the tiny house with mum talking about the plans for mine and all the possibilities and where i wanted things
and now that i have wifi again i can go and (fucks sake possibly bring about my period which is like a week and a half late) do some random shit idk find weird shit on the internet like i usually do

I need to not be so fucking attached (maybe this was actually the becca finale + rejection from all sides)

(myself included)
honestly ive felt like shit since talking to Charles yesterday afternoon
the only way ive been ok is reading
i will need a constant supply of new books until ive gotten over him
which needs to happen very soon
because there was a bird outside my window that sounded like him and i almost cried
ive cried too much today
at least ive managed to stay hydrated (thanks to donating blood this morning) that it hasnt given me a headache
i had to take of the new necklace because i felt like that had something to do with me being so emotional and it might have actually helped
i read the last thunder road novel and it connects to the other series that she (katie mcgarry) wrote with issiah and rachel and the cars and echo and noah and everything
it was great but also sad because with books like these theres no question that thyere gonna end up together so my lonely little heart cant steal them for a little while
also i have no real wifi right now so i cant even watch simon or will to make me feel better or even fresh meat so im just stuck reading till all my books are gone and trying to sleep away as much time as i can to avoid thinking about him
im feeling way too much for this guy and he has no clue about anything
lily says he told her he only likes me as a friend but wasnt very convincing about it and that doesnt actually change how i feel cos im in a shit mood to begin with
would have been a hell of a lot worse if he’d said it himself
and like i just said to lily i keep relying on other people to put me in a better mood at the moment because all this shit with becca (and then catherine even though literally nothing has happened with her but im a paranoid and jealous little bitch cos if nothing has happened with me over almost two months then nothing will happen with her over a few days) has just drained me ability to be ok when im on my own and i keep getting too attached to people
and keep spelling attached wrong the first try
this rando called Lloyd (honestly who names their kid that) started messaging me
so yeah becca messaged me conversation went as follows
B: hannah idk if youll ever forgive me but i hope youll look past it one day and move on from whats happened and im really sorry
me: (getting a lil emotional and pissed about it and actually letting it show for once during this whole thing) i dont have shit to say to you until youre ready to admit what youve lied about and apologised for it
B: well i guess we wont be ever sorting it out so i guess bye forever
me: (admittedly wanting to be a bitch cos its fun and im sick of her and starting to not care about her feelings but also wanting to keep the upper hand but knowing shes to dumb to properly understand what im trying to do) oh no its sorted we stopped being friends the second you told me you had never lied to me then continued to lie about it. you have bought this on yourself when you couldve ended it that night but didnt. we had a great time but now because of you its over. even though its ended shit im glad that i still made friends like samantha melissa and charles because of it. so yeah goodbye. (had to blame her had to bring charles into it)
me: *resets every custom thing on messenger (both our nicknames set the emoji and colours back to default*
B: fine ok bye

i still managed not to outright swear at her and keep it civil and mostly mature
also confessed to lily what a shit time i was having at the moment
i have nothing to say to charles and it hurts a little
also im scared to talk to him
also bought up the subject of tattoos with mum and she wants me to talk to becky about it
i just want to get it done