maybe a breakthrough

I’m supposed to be looking up things to do with some new artist models and going to make a collage diorama and figures and dadaist stuff
jess was pretty good today
saw kitty
hung out with some of louise’s people
watching csi
guitar was good
my art is getting more political
my brain is going off on one with danny
i painted on the art room wall today and it was fucking great but also a little awkward
kinda want to do more

I suppose I should have some things to say

this is just tiresome
and the reality is i may never look back on these posts
and there will be no one else who would ever read them all and care about them
nothing really except i watched a bit of josh’s livestream and then brodie got there messed around with richard’s guitar and that was it
art nothing really happened and becca and i had gone to the cafe in community anyway
lunch had the thing with mike and chloe
it went fine i didn’t really feel like myself but the conversation was pretty easy and i could think of things to say
which is probably why i didn’t feel like me
still no poems
I’ve run out of stories to tell and I’m not making any new ones
then the whole whatever the fuck it was over messenger with brodie because i was upset for a reason i can’t explain and i needed a hug but then time ran out and i had to go to class
didn’t really do anything there anyway
then i saw them walk past and my brain fucked up and everything went to shit
figured out i have to wait till august till i can donate blood again
but it gives me that much time to plan my tattoo
tom is hanging out at absolution with the tattooists there
i need to do research
then class was over
missed my bus work was shit i feel like shit my body is continuing to be mutinous and I’m just going to watch csi till the world ends

vair vair non

I’ve lost it
really not sure my brain is working
talking has gotten worse and now i know I’m not processing things how i used to
the class today was ok i didn’t entirely enjoy it but I’ve missed sculpting and if i hadntve gone i wouldnt have time to do it anyway
i don’t have a personal life
it doesn’t exist
its just class and work and then I’m stuck in my own head trying to escape with tv and youtube and its not working
I’ve actually considered giving up writing on here
im glad he exists but I’m pissed off at the fact that i can’t have feelings around people anymore
i don’t know if i did in the first place
bio wasn’t great i didn’t have my book and i don’t like brent as much as the student teacher who left
still want to pretend that yesterday didn’t happen
theres nothing to mention in english
last dvd of season one and almost through the first episode but i don’t know if I’m going to go back to the
i haven’t eaten
theres special features and i don’t know if tyehre any good
the mirror is definitely not me
my thing consciousness isn’t settled in the same place as it used to be
this is the worst time to form bad habits because they’ll stick and i hate myself for it

i dont wanna talk about it

can we just say the meeting happened and leave it at that
beforehand everything was mostly ok
played hangman
went to the supermarket
i dunno what else to say i really don’t
brodie messaged me in the morning telling me to come tho the music room but didn’t reply why so i didn’t go
he didn’t even talk to me otherwise
I’m now being the tech goddess
rescued a dvd that was stuck inside the machine with a skewer and bluetack and have now hooked up the dvd drive and speaker to my laptop and I’m living
this is such a weird experience

yeah i stab my fingers for fun what of it?

its not really that fun its just means to and end
done two and ⅔ dreads in three days
albeit the weekend and i was watching csi the whole time
now i have three fingers taped up and still needing to avoid thinking about the meeting tomorrow
also having to do EOTC forms again and change the meeting time with mike and chloe tomorrow
rebecca went home and i hardly saw her all say anyway
but really nothing else
still got a bit of a sore throat
and it was apparently a certain persons mothers birthday today
nothing else
nothing else
nothing else


because you know twenty past five in the morning is a perfectly acceptable time for my body to go hey wake up time to attend to some bleeding
like fuck off can’t it just start when I’m in the shower or something?
glad it was a rest day
did lots of stuff today though
actually hugged rebecca and almost cried
wore tights
went to bunnings
then global pc to pick up my charger and add to the list of people that i have temporarily fallen in love with and new headphones too
then south library food and the first and last season dvds of csi new york
then knit world
and i think that was it
I’m tiredddddd
and pretty sure i can’t stay up tonight but I’m hungryyyyyyyy

I’m actually really proud of myself

i may have hated every minute of it but i have completed my 30 day challenge
it has kinda become a habit now
I’m now kinda stressing about the meeting on monday because people are really important
and its all the teachers and i don’t like it
but I’m going to go numb my brain with youtube and ignore it once I’ve written this
guitar was decent and holly was back today
then we talked about my folio which i don’t really get what I’m doing except for the fact that i need to stop generating and need to start regenerating ideas instead
and then jess used her card to buy the fidget spinner of doom and i payed her back
its also getting delivered to her place not mine because i don’t want mum to know and also theres more likely to be someone at her place to sign for it or whatever
id say its $25 well spent
and now i need to stop spending money on things
but the lady at the hot food counter in new world (cos jess needed to buy water and i bought food because I’m a little shit) is great and on wednesday she gave me two sour cream tubs with my wedges and she did the same today as well though she did go to pick up one of the smaller bags for a cordon bleu because thats what i usually get
then i went with sophie into the art room in mentoring and did some stuff then it was class so she left and jess came and it was pretty good we shared headphones even though i had the splitter because it was the one day she didn’t bring hers
and we left at half two which meant i caught my old bus with the st Thomas boys which was kinda weird and i saw nathan for the first time in a very long time but he ended up not seeing me and sitting behind me
ryan was also on the bus and after a while we were the only two people on the but that weren’t in that blue yellow uniform
the driver was kinda shit and kept missing stops
then work
and rebecca is coming home tonight


thats the word that i needed when i was trying to draw and label the plasma membrane diagram today but theres other things to talk about first like lots of things because i feel like I’m actually doing things with my life
nothing happened in english for a while till i asked richard if i could talk to him about a non class related thing which was politics
i told him that i was enrolled to vote and didn’t really know what to do about finding out more and he gave me the richard answer and the teacher answer
he doesn’t vote because he feels like he doesn’t know enough to make and educated decision about who he should vote for that would be best for what he agreed with and thought was important
then he said that the teacher answer would be to do loads of research and invest hours into it which neither of us are really prepared to do he also mentioned he kinda knew about on the fence which i told him that id done and he said that i was then probably more educated on politics than 90% of the country which i don’t agree with but he said if he could he would let me vote for him
then ana holly and i talked to him after class about the classroom² and we had a date then kitty talked to him about camp dates so then we couldn’t have it when we thought and we went and ferried the question to brent who came back with us
then in green we went to find liam and got him to create an email for us to use as our google classroom account
then talked to steven about wanting to run something at a staff meeting and he told us if we wanted to do just a campus meeting to talk to duncan
so we talked to duncan about it and it was kinda iffy but we’re penciled in for the 26th
we went back to the other richards homebase and created classroom² and made a couple of videos but we had background noise in it so ana is going to have to figure out how to mute it
then i got a text from mike and i went to go meet chloe who seems pretty cool and we’ve arranged for the three of us to have lunch on tuesday next week
went back and they’d found out which forms can be digitised and sent out the survey
then we discussed how we thought we would need to have extra time and not being sure about the whole we only have three weeks left of term so we said we would meet up again in mentoring to talk to brent about it
i went to the cafe with sophie h and we actually had a pretty good and not awkward chat and then back in her homebase it was kinda weird because her ashleigh and he other sophie were talking about when they first met and then ended up getting to talking to primary school in general and i managed to join in and it was really ok
like ok ok ok and I’m not used to that
he suggested that we do the meeting next monday even though its pretty close and I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE TO TALK TO THEM ANAD ASK IF WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME FOR IT
id really rather not be there but they need me?? apparently I’m really good at doing stuff which i don’t get
then there was bio where we did some stuff with DNA that i think I’m starting to kinda get a little better with and then we did a cantamaths style quiz and i was in a group with josh (jacobs brother who is pretty cool) xavier and ana and they didn’t really (as in ana cos josh was the runner and xavier didn’t do much??) think we were doing that well but i was pretty sure we were and as it turns out we won and chose to share a bag of fruit bursts
then i ended up missing my bus and then ended up sitting in the middle of the back next to fern who was in my usual seat and deans sister who was next to her and there was a young boy who was kinda taking up two seats cos him and his scooter were in the way of moving over so there was kinda a spare seat next to me but not really
then dan got on and ended up standing in the top aisle in front of me
like all i could see of the whole bus was a couple of seats either side of me and his ass
and BOTH THE WINDOWS WERE OPEN AND ME BEING IN THE VERY MIDDLE got both of then fucking up my hair the whole time and i was dying
when ella(?) got off dan ended up sitting next to me
that was all
literally all it was he didn’t even say hi or anything
i did see brooke though didn’t get to say hi but yeah smiled and shit
and then work which i was at all by my self and i think mr topham was hiding from the cleaning parents and students
then home and thats it
i feel lime I’m actually doing stuff and I’m not sure how i feel about it because i don’t really know whats going on and i don’t really feel like i have time to myself anymore but i don’t need any really because i internally and personally and emotionally don’t really have anything i need time for
i don’t have any problems and i don’t know how i feel about it

I’m sorry i can’t be nice to you in person

like this kinda feels like when we were dating ish thing whatever we were cos you could be perfectly fine while messaging me but a dick in person
and what am i doing?
i think you annoy me in person or its hard to be nice face to face
when you walked off to the cafe
i did stage whisper after you I’m sorry i am happy to see you i missed you but i just can’t say it to your face
which becca just laughed at but i felt bad so I’m sorry
don’t know what happened in english didn’t really pay attention
art the dude next to me was suffocating me with cigarette fumes which gave me a headache but i did do a few paintings but it was mostly touch ups and then two of the gesso release pages
then went to the supermarket with loghann alena and becca
then sat outside for the rest of the time
efs we actually got some shit done
but i need to write the thing intro or whatever and the whole why we need to do this
but i don’t know how
but we’re all meeting up tomorrow and i think i need to tell diana about it??
then work whatever and now