fucks sake

currently on hold with the bank
im not enjoying this and im freaking out because im not ok with talking to people
im sweating
every time the hold music pauses it worries me because i dont know if theyre going to pick up or just play a promo
so what i need is to set up a 5 digit pin for the calls and also to do other shit
i just gave up because it was scary and ill go in person maybe tomorrow


i just remembered some things

yesterday rebecca gave me shit for not knowing nz geography
but like what the fuck no one teaches it ever
the most i know about geography is what ive learnt from the weather forecast maps
apparently getting nelson and napier confused is a sin and asking if nelson is in the north island is illegal
there was someone who i was trying to remember who they were because i knew they wore glasses and then i found out they had a better body than i had expected and i couldnt remember who they were and now i remembered it was craig but also the whole thing the scene i vaguely have in my head could also just be something entirely made up from a dream
i need to stop eating so much chocolate

5 November, 2017 21:22

Got up terribly early but like not any different from a school day just felt worse cos it was a Saturday
Plane was fine the little turbulence we had I think I was too ok with
Had people asking where I was going literally no one pays attention to me and then I have a snapchat story and suddenly I have friends
Went to the gypsy fair and got a bracelet and a spiral ear taper thing which now I’m thinking I can make myself and stretch them a bit more maybe
Starting to get more tire which is goo because I have to sleep over the sound of water from th bathroom
I’m sleeping in a closet
The gondola wasn’t really great but I got a bean boozled pack at the jelly belly shop that was at the top of it
The ice bat that we went to was also pretty lame and not worth whatever dad had paid for it this is the kind of trip I would have rather done with mates instead and that would have made it better
So yeah Jerry and I are sleeping in the wardrobe tonight

Tattoo talks

talking to emma (wendy’s daughter) about tattoos and artists and all that stuff and im basically having a anxiety attack talking to someone i dont really know and especially not in person about things that are important to me but im not very good at putting into words in writing not out loud
im second guessing everything im saying
on the subject of artists
‘you should click with them they should make you feel confident and comfortable’
i dont just click with anyone i cant talk to people or feel confident in most settings im not a functioning human
this is a really weird dynamic
is dynamic even the right word
i feel like we’re almost trying to validate eachother in this conversation to confirm that what we’re saying is ok and we’re not stepping too far off the mark
its very strange

So I might be going go China?

I dunno dad texted me about it earlier and mum didn’t like it and we had a argument about it and it’s not very good
So getting up at 6 want fun and I ignored mum the whole time
It’s gone the fucking STITCH is GONE
I’m way too happy about that I think and he said they looked like they were healing well so far
Went to see Amber and now I’m going off gluten for two months which might be hard to do if I do go to China with dad
Then to school where I caught up with kitty and then becca told this huge story about her parents possibly kicking her out and getting a restraining order against the dudes dad
Then how she was gonna kill her self and Melissa said she would if becca did and Charles was begging her not to and George was crying but especially Charles was definitely almost crying and wouldn’t know what to do without her and he needed her and she was very insistent that he was very insistent she needed to live
It was just a lot to happen to one person in such a short space of time
Went to work
Very tired but want to read
Katie mcgarry is definitely one of my favorite authors and even though the endings are predictable the how they get there is great and the interconnectedness of all the books is what I live for and the chapters written in each character I love I love
But need to sleep

Workshop 2

I ignored (honestly the first word that came up in predictive was Brodie) Brodie for my own sanity
Him and the girl are questionable
I don’t really know what happened today though
I’m watching one born every minute and it’s weird
The workshop was good
Did some writing things read some stuff and there weren’t any especially exciting people
Nothing really else to say

i feel like total shit like actually in pain
this really isn’t fun
im in a bad mood and literally nothing is helping
i don’t know what to do
i can’t think of anything that could fix this
or help at all
i mean i can
but its pointless and couldn’t actually happen
going to see Amber tomorrow morning and i really don’t want to talk to her about everything
I’m just pissed off about everything and thats probably not helping
like i swear my insides are in knots
or have been ripped apart and sewn back together
i haven’t written anything or made anything in a long time
everything is falling apart