Tattoo talks

talking to emma (wendy’s daughter) about tattoos and artists and all that stuff and im basically having a anxiety attack talking to someone i dont really know and especially not in person about things that are important to me but im not very good at putting into words in writing not out loud
im second guessing everything im saying
on the subject of artists
‘you should click with them they should make you feel confident and comfortable’
i dont just click with anyone i cant talk to people or feel confident in most settings im not a functioning human
this is a really weird dynamic
is dynamic even the right word
i feel like we’re almost trying to validate eachother in this conversation to confirm that what we’re saying is ok and we’re not stepping too far off the mark
its very strange

Advertisements

So I might be going go China?

I dunno dad texted me about it earlier and mum didn’t like it and we had a argument about it and it’s not very good
So getting up at 6 want fun and I ignored mum the whole time
ED CUT THE STITCH OFF
It’s gone the fucking STITCH is GONE
I’m way too happy about that I think and he said they looked like they were healing well so far
Went to see Amber and now I’m going off gluten for two months which might be hard to do if I do go to China with dad
Then to school where I caught up with kitty and then becca told this huge story about her parents possibly kicking her out and getting a restraining order against the dudes dad
Then how she was gonna kill her self and Melissa said she would if becca did and Charles was begging her not to and George was crying but especially Charles was definitely almost crying and wouldn’t know what to do without her and he needed her and she was very insistent that he was very insistent she needed to live
It was just a lot to happen to one person in such a short space of time
Went to work
Very tired but want to read
Katie mcgarry is definitely one of my favorite authors and even though the endings are predictable the how they get there is great and the interconnectedness of all the books is what I live for and the chapters written in each character I love I love
But need to sleep

Workshop 2

I ignored (honestly the first word that came up in predictive was Brodie) Brodie for my own sanity
Him and the girl are questionable
I don’t really know what happened today though
I’m watching one born every minute and it’s weird
The workshop was good
Did some writing things read some stuff and there weren’t any especially exciting people
Nothing really else to say

i feel like total shit like actually in pain
this really isn’t fun
im in a bad mood and literally nothing is helping
i don’t know what to do
i can’t think of anything that could fix this
or help at all
i mean i can
but its pointless and couldn’t actually happen
going to see Amber tomorrow morning and i really don’t want to talk to her about everything
I’m just pissed off about everything and thats probably not helping
like i swear my insides are in knots
or have been ripped apart and sewn back together
i haven’t written anything or made anything in a long time
everything is falling apart

the last thing i said was cool

but its fucking not though is it
cos it does feel like its over
it really does
and its not the kind of over it was before
not when it was that he ended it and didn’t feel like it
or that i was done and over it
it feels like we’ve just given up
and yes I’m crying ok
i can’t help it this just fucking sucks
and i doubt he’s going to talk to me
and even if he does its not going to help because he can’t right now
i mean he can’t generally set his own shit aside to try cheer me up
but sometimes or usually
less often now i think
just talking to him made me feel kinda better
I’m really hungry
i don’t want it to be over
i don’t want us to only be friends
like fuck dude i know you’re not perfect and i know you’re an asshole but i care about you and yeah i like you despite of it
but that makes it seem like i only like the not bad parts of who you are but thats not true it just you’re you and fucked up whatever it is what it is
i miss him a fuckload
but can i tell him
no
cos its weird and not allowed and he doesn’t know that id rather be around him than any of my other friends
or maybe he does
i still want shit to happen
and i know it shouldn’t
that it’d fuck him up and then he’d fuck me over but shiiiiit
sometimes i don’t think about that
but other times i don’t want to do anything
i don’t want to care
that it’d be easier and better for both of us if nothing happened
and its true
i mean in theory
in reality if everything was just cut off
i actually can’t think about it
like actually tearing up trying to think about it
i don’t even know how to put most of the things in my head into words
but i don’t want it to be over
and thats probably the worst part