cow gifs

it needs to stop being cold im fucking sick of it
getting to the last day of term tomorrow
spent time with alena and then when i had messaged charles who it turned out didnt hate me
i accidentally sent a cow gif
like sure i was trying to send a cow gif but like when i was trying to scroll through them it thought my tap meant tap to send not tap to scroll and then i sent a really fucking weird cow gif

it could be fucking brilliant if it had anything to do with the conversation but it really fucking didnt
then i showed alena and we were (her) laughing and (me) almost crying (with laughter) about it and i ended up leaving it too long to send an apology or explanation
and then he didnt reply for ages
like more than an hour
but then we were fine
but now its stuck the permenant joke about me being obsessed with cows and cow gifs and its fucking terrible
theres nothing really else to say
had a pretty good one to one with holly and did some art and that about it
going to bus to faultline tomorrow
maybe if i dont have too much of a huge fucking panic about it


0161 youre full of crap

i gave you so many opportunities tonight to come clean about lying to me
you didnt take any of them

school was good mostly
i got a mother before school
DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT scull a can of mother while walking fast
i almost threw up
saw kitty after purple and i gave her her presents (blue fairy elf thing and some charms) and she gave me a ring thats actually a turtle and it moves not really how birthdays usually go but yeah
then hung out with the people then had bio
then lunch were we went to new world and it was fun and then came back to play sweet valley high and i won… which was probably the best part of the day
loghann and i were going off on one and it was great
becca came in and watched us play for a while
i said that i didnt think miriam was there but she said she was and she’d talked to her so i asked how it went and was she alright and she said that it was ok
she left later i won and then class started
i ended up going to talk to miriam because i wanted to know if becca had actually talked to her
she said that she had seen her through the window and smiled at eachother but hadnt talked about anything
and that was kinda it
so i messaged her about it and and it went from there and ended up with me saying that she had been lying to me and she denied it and accused me of lying to her (about telling lily which i had, it was a lie though and we both new it all i did was tell my friend one of my other ‘friends’ was lying to me again) and saying i was putting the blame on her and making it sound like it was all her fault
i wasnt blaming her for anything i was just saying what she had done and how it had made me feel (hurt and taken advantage of(and pissed off but i didnt add that))
it was her fault she created all this for herself and yeah
while all this was happening i was shaking so much it was hard to get my fingers to hit the right keys
partway through i went to tell mum what was going on and then ended up crying and eating four rice cakes
went back to the conversation where she said that she had never lied to me
i said i gave her as many chances to come clean as i could and then sent her a link to the real brices page and said ‘tell me im wrong’
and thats is she’s left me on seen
i had messaged charles earlier like when we’d still been talking about miriam and said sorry if shit happens he said nothing had
i want to tell him but i also think she should tell him and the rest of them herself but i doubt she will
she asked how would that get me anywhere and honestly i have no idea
notable quotes: (her ‘) (me “)
‘hannah i havent been myself in a long time what do you expect from me’ “i expect you not to lie to my face when im trying to care about you”
“how can you forget about something that didnt happen”
‘hannah i know you’ve been talking shit behind my back i just didnt want to believe it’ ” and i didnt want to believer that youve been lying to me for a year”
“what am i wrong about” ‘everything you saying im lying but im not so ye’
‘youre making it sound like its all my fault’
‘omg ffs are you kidding me right now’ “no im obviously not i wouldnt do this for fun” ‘ well
thanks for making me feel like shit like you always do so it seems like you have never believed me
so why try now’ (i have never tried to make her feel like shit if i have its her own problem of jealousy or something. i used to believe her. im not trying to now im doing the exact opposite)
‘ive never lied to you i cant believe you think that’

i didnt bring up the cancer and adoption things because that came from lily and her mum which isnt really something i should know
i kinda wish i could have been a fly on the wall through that
i know how hard it is to get out of a lie and come clean about it but it would have been great to see her exact thought process through the whole thing and when she realised it was over and does she really think she doesnt need help? why did she start in the first place how did it get so out of hand

lily is gonna come talk to miriam tomorrow

i asked her to tell me if im wrong
she hasnt said shit

oh my dick is fallen off (Tnanslation: fucking hell everything we thought we knew but still didn’t really believe)

a josh phrase perfectly describes whats going on right now
(just realised that today is the first day since we met that charles and i haven’t talked on facebook)
I’ve finally been able to follow brice on instagram seeing as becca said he found me on it
I’ve found his before and didn’t follow it because i was on private and didn’t want to intrude cos she’s said a few times over the past year that she’s been dating him on and off and also that she’s been staying with him for the last week because she’s trying to hide from his dad who she says has raped her and got her pregnant twice and that the first time she said she got pregnant was i think with brice or maybe he was the knight in shining armour who said that he would help look after her while she went to term and
(i just though about what the hell she could have said to the boys about brice)
i think actually he might have been the ‘father’ and had wanted to keep the baby i don’t know it started a long while ago
i followed him and he accepted the request and i scrolled through all his posts trying to find the photo she sent me the other day when she asked what i thought of him and i asked why
at this point i was thinking that this must be the guy she told loghann about at formal who she had gotten with two days before that and wasn’t going to tell me about it and she still hasn’t mentioned that she’s ‘dating’ him but she had sent the photo and also ‘he’ followed me on instagram
so i was just trying to figure out if this was the guy and it seems like its also the guy she’s been talking about for the last year
so i found the photo which becca had supposedly taken
also found lots of photos of becca that she had at whatever times told me that he had taken of her
there was photos of couples and it was definitely him but the girl wasn’t her
like really wasn’t and the way the captions had been written was definitely saying it was her
there was a photo with another girl where the caption said sis but it was the same girl he was kissing in the other photos
so the search began
facebook searched him but nothing came up
this was when i was still assuming he was either kiwi or aussie cos thats what becca had told me
then everything from there was standard google
his name with motocross came up with some older guy called chad but had the same last name
went with maybe it was photos of this guy when he was younger but nope
also him bike number was different
so searched him name and bike number hoping he was good enough to have something come up quick which it didn’t
noticed that there was a competition photo from in texas so looked up combinations of his name and bike number and texas and motocross and then searched the website that was on the banner in the background which came up with nothing
tried with kiwi motocross cos i was like how would she know about some dude in texas maybe he travelled?
then it was the combination of ‘texas motocross brice reed 561’ that finally got me somewhere
a tracksideonline page that was race results or something there wasn’t a photo but it got me an area in texas so copied and pasted the name and location to google
ended up with a profile on hookit (no idea what it is really) and there were photos and linked to his instagram where yeah i found the real Brice Reed 22, Texas
the photos of the girl were from years ago
becca follows him
if he isn’t real (in the sense that he’s not who she said he was as in they’ve never met) then he never got her pregnant she never stayed at her place or offered to move to new zealand to be with her or carried her around when her knee was fucked or took photos of her sleeping
his father also isn’t real so there was no way he could kidnap her and rape her and get her pregnant two times and you can’t put a restraining order on him when you have never had any kind of contact with him
she hasn’t been staying with him he never took her on that shopping trip last year
she had been lying to me for a year
lying to my face
alena loghann lily and jess all know about this now because i was just messing around with it going oh i can see this boys instagram now wonder what he looks like and i just knew it was a lie
THE BOYS FUCKING FOLLOW HIM (oh god what has she told them she says charles knows everything has she told him the same stuff about her being ‘pregnant’ and the rape and getting drugged and beaten)
in the end i felt really shit about it
like still do
like if there is something wrong enough in her head that she feels like she has to create this YEAR LONG ENDEAVOUR with all its twists and turns and all the lies upon lies upon lies
(does her dad really have cancer? she hasn’t mentioned it since that first couple of days)
(she told me she broke her finger two days ago but didn’t mention it at all today)
(she won’t admit that she always has an injury: her knee over and over again, her shoulder, wrists, bruises that I’ve never seen, ankles, concussion, trips to hospital but never taking time off school, broken toes, broken ribs (apparently from charles hugging her too hard or restraining her when she was going to have a go at paul at course), broken finger (oh year thats right she was beaten and what else was there…. oh right she told me SHE WAS STABBED FUCKING STABBED IN THE GUT BUY THE GUY THAT TRIED TO RAPE HER she told me she was stabbed)
she’s had at least three friends die or get seriously injured in car accidents
and i don’t know if i can believe that anymore
i also don’t want to just blow whatever world she has constructed for herself out of the water if its her coping mechanism then ok its not healthy or sound but i don’t want to take that away from her
i don’t know what to do
i told rebecca a little about it and she offered to take me to school and tell miriam all about it with me and yeah turns out miriam won’t be there tomorrow so I’ve booked for wednesday morning
i don’t know how i can deal with a whole day tomorrow knowing all this shit
like we kinda figured that it was a lie about the rape and pregnancies but like for so much to be a lie
for him to not only be not a person but to have made an instagram taking photos and replying to herself in the comments
its even a private thing so its not even like people can see it and go oh wow she’s got a boy
and what foot do you have to stand on with me and charles not outright mentioning to you that we hung out when you’ve lied to us about such huge things
i need to talk to him and see him again
but i can’t till next weekend i guess


first day backkkkkkk
and i don’t really know what to say
saw people in louise’s homebase before purple and they had some pretty good reactions to my hair
saw miriam too she’s back and loves the dreads
watched youtube for the first time in what feels like a lot longer than it actually was and went on a little rampage through button poetry because i didn’t want to watch interstellar and also i was in a poet-y mood because of the workshop being in the afternoon
brodie came in late as usual and he didn’t say anything to me so after a while i poked him in the leg and waved and that was it basically
he doesn’t like the dreads
idc he never likes anything i do with my hair fuck him
i wonder how the whole being hoe thing is going
but also i don’t want to ask because i don’t want details
found some new stuff i like
then class was over and to community which wasn’t so bad
i think the whole school thing isn’t so bad because I’m actually doing something and I’m enjoying not being bored no matter what I’m doing i guess
break i went and got a lift with becca which was ok and we talked about stuff
then art which wasn’t so bad because i actually kinda tried an idea that i wanted to for a while like along the lines of falling into a voting booth and being smothered with politics which turned into three things with the three prime ministers that have held the position when I’ve been alive (except for whoever was in before helen clark because she was elected in the year of my birth but i only just realised that there would’ve been a couple months when it was someone else not her) and like ending up in a corner and then in a waterfall of red and blue dye(?) and then with vines then the hiding behind the polling booth
so thats that
had lunch took photos went to mentoring for art
art isn’t good for mentoring i need more than half an hour to do anything worth getting stuck into like i could on fridays but like other days not so much on a normal day its more for yellow and pbl
then there was efs where we have a new student teacher which i don’t like as much as sharnae but mostly because she isn’t sharnae and for no real reason
i don’t really know what we actually did though
talked about some stuff and i left 20 mins early
there was a really interesting guy on my bus like a cool guy like alt af and great and he was in the 2m can’t look distance which was sad
(brodie says being a hoe is going good and i feel gross)
that just killed my mood
i should not ask questions i don’t want the answers to
i don’t learn
but i wrote and observation thing about the guy which is weird but i also kinda like it though i only liked it while i was writing it and looking back on it i havens read it again so i can’t be sure
so i guess i have to more onto all the to tuam st shit
caught the but there was the guy he got off at the exchange got off at the stop and walked till i was sure i was in the right place
then wandered around the other streets to kill time because it was like half an hour till four still or a bit more so i went on an adventure
there was a guy on a bike that may have said something to me but i had my music in and he was leering at me in like a really gross way and kept looking back at me to the point where i thought he was going to stop and actually try and talk to me
but he didn’t and i kept talking i found the little dairy place and then down the road corner of tuam and nursery(?) rd was a bigger dairy and i got another lift which i probably shouldn’t have gotten
(stop trying to talk to him he doesn’t care)
(like seriously stop youre going to end up making yourself feel worse)
i wore purple lipstick today??
so people were there
i knew all of them from school (jessi) and faultline and rising voices (troy is the only guy and yes I’m disappointed theres no others like ben or josh goys who write are interesting)
we did the whole explain your name origin and why we write thing and it does really feel like rising voices
writing activity was cool was like the other ones we did where sarcasm became fear
might be doing a thing next thursday??
but stop was a while
bus was fine and i thought of noah
wrote about him too
and other weird stuff too
started a patchwork poem with all the noah stuff and i don’t know if its going to work
i invited him to faultline on facebook don’t know if he’ll see it or go if he does but i did it when i was at riccarton station then 100 home was the really nice lady driver who i used to get sometimes on the way home last year
i decided that since i don’t take rest days with the app i can take rest days when i feel like i need them which was today with everything I’ve done
i think i need to wash my hair and dreads tomorrow night and ya know put them in nice for friday
but then they get fluffy in the weekend so I’m not sure
i still feel kinda sunburnt which is weird
i don’t know whats going on
and now I’ve run out of things to say


lily was at school and thats when it started wrong
basically went to the supermarket and i got a v like one of the new ish ones the pink spiked punch
its decent actually
then wandered round for ages and i was kinda third wheeling them which sucks cos i know they don’t mean it but its just how it is
then eventually becca and george got there and it was kinda awkward and yup thats it
went back to the girls
and then was like actually the other ones
then ditched class to go to the cafe with george and becca and it was actually pretty great he’s cool and as far as i can tell a pretty decent guy
then it got to the point where was like hey I’m actually enjoying myself with these guys more than i was walking around with lily and jess because i feel like this is actually a even interaction and not just them and me
so lunch with them too went to the supermarket (had already gotten a lift at the cafe) and then got a dr pepper
ended up sitting in the stairs place like the other day and there was still this thing of who is worse me or charles (OH GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS TO COME (24/8/17)) but apparently we need to be together for that to be figured out
and now i know who ben is
the guy i said happy hanukah to the other day
now mutually following on instagram
he’s actually kinda ok a little bit maybe i don’t want to commit to a positive judgement right now
then the girls ended up with us and i kinda chose against them
ended up back at the cafe i kinda crashed and it was alright
walked a little way with just george to the orbiter road and thats it for school
oh and brodie was sick but i couldn’t bring myself to say that i missed him because that would be a little uncomfortable
badly drawn tiny politicians is now a thing
progressing to also badly painted tiny politicians
which are going to have something to do with my art folio
i like them but i don’t know how they fit with any artist model or anything like that
watching season two of lucifer now because season three has just started on tv
nothing else really
hands class again tomorrow but the thing is i don’t want to make him clothes now
or at least not stuff him
and by him i mean Otis

I’m actually really proud of myself

i may have hated every minute of it but i have completed my 30 day challenge
it has kinda become a habit now
I’m now kinda stressing about the meeting on monday because people are really important
and its all the teachers and i don’t like it
but I’m going to go numb my brain with youtube and ignore it once I’ve written this
guitar was decent and holly was back today
then we talked about my folio which i don’t really get what I’m doing except for the fact that i need to stop generating and need to start regenerating ideas instead
and then jess used her card to buy the fidget spinner of doom and i payed her back
its also getting delivered to her place not mine because i don’t want mum to know and also theres more likely to be someone at her place to sign for it or whatever
id say its $25 well spent
and now i need to stop spending money on things
but the lady at the hot food counter in new world (cos jess needed to buy water and i bought food because I’m a little shit) is great and on wednesday she gave me two sour cream tubs with my wedges and she did the same today as well though she did go to pick up one of the smaller bags for a cordon bleu because thats what i usually get
then i went with sophie into the art room in mentoring and did some stuff then it was class so she left and jess came and it was pretty good we shared headphones even though i had the splitter because it was the one day she didn’t bring hers
and we left at half two which meant i caught my old bus with the st Thomas boys which was kinda weird and i saw nathan for the first time in a very long time but he ended up not seeing me and sitting behind me
ryan was also on the bus and after a while we were the only two people on the but that weren’t in that blue yellow uniform
the driver was kinda shit and kept missing stops
then work
and rebecca is coming home tonight


thats the word that i needed when i was trying to draw and label the plasma membrane diagram today but theres other things to talk about first like lots of things because i feel like I’m actually doing things with my life
nothing happened in english for a while till i asked richard if i could talk to him about a non class related thing which was politics
i told him that i was enrolled to vote and didn’t really know what to do about finding out more and he gave me the richard answer and the teacher answer
he doesn’t vote because he feels like he doesn’t know enough to make and educated decision about who he should vote for that would be best for what he agreed with and thought was important
then he said that the teacher answer would be to do loads of research and invest hours into it which neither of us are really prepared to do he also mentioned he kinda knew about on the fence which i told him that id done and he said that i was then probably more educated on politics than 90% of the country which i don’t agree with but he said if he could he would let me vote for him
then ana holly and i talked to him after class about the classroom² and we had a date then kitty talked to him about camp dates so then we couldn’t have it when we thought and we went and ferried the question to brent who came back with us
then in green we went to find liam and got him to create an email for us to use as our google classroom account
then talked to steven about wanting to run something at a staff meeting and he told us if we wanted to do just a campus meeting to talk to duncan
so we talked to duncan about it and it was kinda iffy but we’re penciled in for the 26th
we went back to the other richards homebase and created classroom² and made a couple of videos but we had background noise in it so ana is going to have to figure out how to mute it
then i got a text from mike and i went to go meet chloe who seems pretty cool and we’ve arranged for the three of us to have lunch on tuesday next week
went back and they’d found out which forms can be digitised and sent out the survey
then we discussed how we thought we would need to have extra time and not being sure about the whole we only have three weeks left of term so we said we would meet up again in mentoring to talk to brent about it
i went to the cafe with sophie h and we actually had a pretty good and not awkward chat and then back in her homebase it was kinda weird because her ashleigh and he other sophie were talking about when they first met and then ended up getting to talking to primary school in general and i managed to join in and it was really ok
like ok ok ok and I’m not used to that
he suggested that we do the meeting next monday even though its pretty close and I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE TO TALK TO THEM ANAD ASK IF WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME FOR IT
id really rather not be there but they need me?? apparently I’m really good at doing stuff which i don’t get
then there was bio where we did some stuff with DNA that i think I’m starting to kinda get a little better with and then we did a cantamaths style quiz and i was in a group with josh (jacobs brother who is pretty cool) xavier and ana and they didn’t really (as in ana cos josh was the runner and xavier didn’t do much??) think we were doing that well but i was pretty sure we were and as it turns out we won and chose to share a bag of fruit bursts
then i ended up missing my bus and then ended up sitting in the middle of the back next to fern who was in my usual seat and deans sister who was next to her and there was a young boy who was kinda taking up two seats cos him and his scooter were in the way of moving over so there was kinda a spare seat next to me but not really
then dan got on and ended up standing in the top aisle in front of me
like all i could see of the whole bus was a couple of seats either side of me and his ass
and BOTH THE WINDOWS WERE OPEN AND ME BEING IN THE VERY MIDDLE got both of then fucking up my hair the whole time and i was dying
when ella(?) got off dan ended up sitting next to me
that was all
literally all it was he didn’t even say hi or anything
i did see brooke though didn’t get to say hi but yeah smiled and shit
and then work which i was at all by my self and i think mr topham was hiding from the cleaning parents and students
then home and thats it
i feel lime I’m actually doing stuff and I’m not sure how i feel about it because i don’t really know whats going on and i don’t really feel like i have time to myself anymore but i don’t need any really because i internally and personally and emotionally don’t really have anything i need time for
i don’t have any problems and i don’t know how i feel about it

longest night for a very long time

and yet i don’t really feel tired
have to admit though i was fuzzing out on the bus home
stayed up the whole night watching videos waiting for the livestream of the charity match to begin
I’ve still got some left because by the time the stream was over it was basically time for me to get up and i was really hungry
so the result was 2-0 loss to SDMNFC
it was gutted
really really gutted after all they’ve done to get this going but they’re raised almost THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR CHILDLINE
it was stress
hell of a lot of stress which makes me really sad that they didn’t even get a goal guess thats thanks to hugh wizzy though who was on the all starts team this year
despite the guys complaining last year that people rushed the pitch after the game last year and an announcement during half time or something this year telling them not to the fucking idiots still rushed the pitch and once again they couldnt do the cup ceremony
so then mum took me to buy her a laptop and external disk drive and order my new charger
then to school where i got really confused with my classes
went to new world with brodie at lunch which was kinda ok
then i went to talk to mike about the peer support thing
then waiting at the bus stop brodie got there just as i was about to leave and i got a hug which was fucking great
and then like i don’t know what else to say
I’m going to set up mums laptop and yeh go watch youtube for a while
also holly volunteered me to read some poetry for some kids but I’m going to have to really think about it

i dont what

three years no and i still can’t title well
some things just don’t change
I’m forgetting how to type because I’m just used to jumping to the next tab and to the links and whatever and not actually typing shit
so i was late to school
and i didn’t go into purple because there was a speaker and i didn’t want to disrupt
turns out i wasn’t even on the roll
but holly fixed that later
so i did some art stuff
in pbl i was going to talk to mike but he was busy basically the whole time so i had a one to one in the office then did more art
lunch was weird with the shitshow that was the post by jess and teresa on alena’s facebook
then bio which is actually pretty decent at the moment
tomorrow I’m not really going to school
but work was ok
did art once i got home
mum actually liked some of it
its going ok at the moment

some other shit happened that i forgot about until i tried to go to sleep
the one time
THE ONE FUCKING TIME since the conversation that i could have ended up on the bus with the kid but nope walked behind him all the way to the stop but then he stayed and caught a different fucking bus
and at work i became a plumber
it was great really because the plugholes that are supposed to be drop proof aren’t
the from of my earring fell in and i thought i was screwed but then i realised i could take off the ceramic cover and try and figure out if i could retrieve it and then i messed around with a u-bend and unscrewed the two ends of it spilt quite a bit of water on the floor drained the rest out and retrieved the earring
and i managed to put everything back together again

scared for my not exactly life but momentary wellbeing

im glad day five was a rest day
im not sure if it was a coincidence or not
english was meh
brodie sat next to me again he smelled like smoke and it hurt my head
but what was the point in saying anything
i tried even more to write the essay but it still wasn’t working
then break where i saw loghann after a basically same as usual community meeting
then went to the cafe stayed there with becca a while then remembered that loghann was in yellow class now so went back to that and did some work and we laughed about things that i can’t really remember but it was great
then lunch we played sweet valley high which because of the company fucking hilarious
and then monopoly
which is where shit started getting bad
there was also some jokes made with me loghann and her boyfriend having a threesome
and then we said we loved each other
and then they mentioned it to alena’s boy hamish and we (well me and loghann) ended up talking to him saying some pretty weird shit and he was i think still thinking it was alena
but it was along the lined of threesomes and he assumed it was two guys and said it was only gay if the balls touched (Lila said we didn’t have balls and i said not yet we don’t you know the usual reply) then Lila told me to reply and i said something like i don’t want to be involved in this i don’t want to take part in it i only want to spectate
and then she told him i said that and it turned into me mentioning Eiffel towering and him not getting it but making a dick joke and i said something about going sight seeing to the leaning tower of pizza too
it was a wild ride
and then there was the whole fucking speed monopoly which stressed me out
i went into jail on my second turn Lila had a secret stash of money in her laptop but i cleaned it out with my four railways which i didn’t have till we traded marylebone plus $150 for bond or oxford
then i just smashed it
but the thing was it was really stressful and i had no idea what was happening most of the time i was shaking and overheated and i was trying to buy a property by the time three more turns had already been taken and i felt like we were all cheating because i couldn’t keep track of what was going on
i won by default of ho had the most money when we had to pack up and go to class
but i was ill and lightheaded and really just off
so i told brent i had to go buy food and then EFS was just weird and i didn’t like it and we’re going to have to write another report for the thing thats taking us eight weeks to do
BUT when we were voting for what we were going to do and to mark on the board which one we wanted to do and i put smiley faces up for sophie holly and i and then everyone else started dong it
i think brent is annoyed at me
half cos i don’t do work and half because I’m disruptive and do stuff like that
good thing for him then that loghann isn’t in bio anymore 😦 but not a good thing for me
thats it for school but there was a culture puzzle at work and no i have it and i finished it and its cool and i like it