Day three

Day three not a good sleep
So was up with Natalie late and then at some point around half four one of the other girls was like Natalie art you alright so I went down again and had a chat and I think she’s going home today because she hasn’t slept at all but it turns out she isn’t going home but at least I do have to be above her because the other two left today
We’re playing go home stay home and Jack just yelled I’m no longer cheating it was a bit of a hard game to start up running but it was something that Logan wanted to do and especially after picking him out for not doing too much with the food prep and crushing those biscuits for a whole long time and getting him to do dishes with a couple of the others who hadn’t quite pulled their weight during duties it’s weird for me hearing my own voice now and I really like talking to Ethan and it’s easy to forget he’s only fifteen and I hope we’ll still end up talking next year at school because realistically I won’t see him again till then
It’s when camp gets dark and we go outside that I start missing Brodie and honestly I just considered texting him so maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have bars at the moment even though I’m still stuck out here at the end of the go home stay home bounds I actually don’t feel shit and I really appreciate how Ethan’s been this week like real east to talk to
But like the one day I don’t put on sunscreen then I get burnt and it was probably when we were playing animal survivor and it was actually pretty awesome to be able to play it and they enjoyed it even though there were some issues with some of the lives and they nd extras or were sharing them between friends and afterwards I think it worked really good that we didn’t go through with any activities in the afternoon and did just let them chill and do whatever they wanted with themselves
Ended up at the slide with Ethan when the group we had managed to sort the game by themselves and just chatted and he even said he was gonna go hang with me because he was bored and had no one to talk to But it wasn’t in a you’re the only option thing but yeah there did end up being some comments made about us like we had even been making about Noah and mitarina but I said I was taken then that I had a wife and now I think I’ve managed to convince Jack Luca Monty and I don’t know if Cameron was listening that I’m gay and have a wife
In all honesty I just want to hang out with Ethan tonight and not go to bed so early but with how bad I slept last night I don’t really want to in a way as well we didn’t end up with much hang out as leaders time because we were doing dishes and dinner and deserts
Ethan rolled down the hill and managed to hit a tree and honestly I liked it when I could banter and have a bit of back and forth with the boys about shit but now I’m in the bunkroom with Natalie who is still not breathing clearly and is pissing me off a bit and yeah I know there’s the girls outside but also they’re not my people cos my people is Ethan

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Day two

Day two the invasion
Actually slept surprisingly well all things considered although my neck really hurts and so does my back and knee
I might be going off rice cakes who woulda thought that would ever happen but yeah
Kinda wanna get up and help with breakfast but also just can’t be bothered and I don’t wanna put shoes
A couple of people that I hadn’t expected asked me how I slept but I got no one to talk to now I feel kinda shit but to be fair I feel kinda shit most of the time I’m tired I think but also not around people I really like and it’s not even sick just empty and like not feeling anything just a void
It’s cool when you sit with people but have nothing to talk to them and they don’t make the effort and I don’t like their music anyway and the four of us event gotten back to our little group that we managed to find and in also hate how Amy is wearing socks and jandals but she can get away with it because she’s cool
Second day of eating lettuce and I’m pretty ok with my group Noah recognised my hoodie as merch and we played very creatively scored volleyball but Lucy and I had a laugh about scoring points completely wrong and then the flags went kinda ok but our group hanging with Ethan and Monty on the benches this actually pretty great
My girls went to bed really early or at least long before the 11pm bedtime that we had and I had to come in and shower once they were down feel a little bad and also a bit awkward but hey I got to hang out with Ethan and Ann-marie upstairs for a while
Natalie was very restless when I went to bed so I got down and asked if she was ok or needed a walk or water and she said she was fine but after a while I got back down and said she should come out to the common room and have a chat with me there were the girls still in there though so we went outside with the bugs and we ended up talking about some pretty deep stuff that a kid her age shouldn’t have to deal with like her brother and parents hurting her and them being strict and not always having enough food and that she cried a bit and I almost cried and I think we were out there for about an hour and I think she just needs someone to listen to her although have hasn’t settled no that we’ve come in so I don’t know how such a tiny person can manage to move my entire bunk but she does when she’s kicking about ans to think I was going to give her a bit of a hard time about moving around so much

So day one

So day one
Meeting up at the school
Ended up with taylah Jack and Sally in Pete’s car and there are times when I feel a little bit unused but really I don’t have any people here really
I’m alone in my bunkroom and it sucks to not have anyone I can talk to
Was basically squished up with Jack the whole car ride here so that wasn’t distracting at all
Was a pretty decent drive there
I think I’m taking a bottom bunk because I don’t think I can be arsed going up the stairs there’s people playing music
Got together to talk about the plans and shit which was actually ok.. The people I’m with are actually ok when they’re not all in their group and Ethan ans Kieran are actually ok
Having said that I’m still chilling in my bunkroom alone again
Watching the kids (leaders but I feel like a parent) play volleyball but I’m so not gonna play and I’ve got a new bite on my elbow.. I don’t know where the Pete’s car crew went but they’re off somewhere else
I have been asked twice if I wanna play but like nah
Made dinner and ended up in there longer than everyone else and definitely felt like more of a parent
I think I’ve found my people
With Ann-marie and Ethan and Kieran we chill we have good chats we talk about life and kick around footballs throw those rugby ball things with tails and then sit on chairs close together kicking a ball between our feet and then on a hill in the dark sit on a bench talking about things then Kieran and I rolled down the hill once to see how it was then the second time on the way to bed and it was a whole lot of fun and I don’t usually have fun so that’s saying something
You get like half way and then think you’re about at the bottom but you just keep going and going and it’s awesome
I do wish I had my favorite people around especially Loghann she would have gone down the water slide with me or because if he I would have gone and we could have rolled down the hill together and I would have had to keep reminding her to put on sunscreen and she turned up at school today for a little bit and I got a really good hug from her and then she texted me saying it was the best hug ever
I have to keep eating cherries before they go off and then do the life tickets for animal survivor tomorrow when we find out how many kids we have coming and then divide then into green blue and red prey predators and top of the food chain peeps
Ethan says he’s going to roll down the hill with us tomorrow
Honestly so glad that we have our own ensuites in the girls bunks because there’s a tap close by and I has a shower after rolling down the hill and ya twas good

GRADUATION (honestly in the most foul mood now though)

dad and rebecca better not expect civil tomorrow morning or over the entire weekend because i should never have said yes to going and now its too late because its happening tomorrow
dont wanna go to queenstown
but dad never asked he just said he had booked tickets and honestly i don’t give a fuck about the place i dont care about new zealand i also dont want to go somewhere with dad and rebecca
so the whole getting flowers and a card for louise thing kinda fucked up this morning cos we were waiting for jenny and then we were still waiting for jenny and then whatever it happened
did fuck all in art
at lunch went to new world with jess and alena
we ended up being really fucking strange and laughing about shit and if loghann had been there too we would have been crying
then we got permission to adopt the sweet valley high board game
its ours now
ours forever
went home at 1:30
got one of the new games in the post today
the monkey one and ive basically forgotten how to play it but im figuring it out
went to graduation
managed not to cry
becca graduated and i was petty and didnt clap
went down and danced with kitty and loghann
brodie emily scarlett and his dad all danced together
year nine me was devastated in retrospective that was going to be us nostalgia and it was annoying that it was a little upsetting
went out to alena’s car and showed loghann that we had the game
kinda met hamish but not even introduced
started drafting an letter to becca’s mum because by how she said hi to me at graduation i doubt she knows what went on and miriam hasnt managed to talk to her
the ticking in my wall is back

cow gifs

it needs to stop being cold im fucking sick of it
getting to the last day of term tomorrow
spent time with alena and then when i had messaged charles who it turned out didnt hate me
i accidentally sent a cow gif
like sure i was trying to send a cow gif but like when i was trying to scroll through them it thought my tap meant tap to send not tap to scroll and then i sent a really fucking weird cow gif

it could be fucking brilliant if it had anything to do with the conversation but it really fucking didnt
then i showed alena and we were (her) laughing and (me) almost crying (with laughter) about it and i ended up leaving it too long to send an apology or explanation
and then he didnt reply for ages
like more than an hour
but then we were fine
but now its stuck the permenant joke about me being obsessed with cows and cow gifs and its fucking terrible
theres nothing really else to say
had a pretty good one to one with holly and did some art and that about it
going to bus to faultline tomorrow
maybe if i dont have too much of a huge fucking panic about it

0161 youre full of crap

i gave you so many opportunities tonight to come clean about lying to me
you didnt take any of them

school was good mostly
i got a mother before school
DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT scull a can of mother while walking fast
i almost threw up
saw kitty after purple and i gave her her presents (blue fairy elf thing and some charms) and she gave me a ring thats actually a turtle and it moves not really how birthdays usually go but yeah
then hung out with the people then had bio
then lunch were we went to new world and it was fun and then came back to play sweet valley high and i won… which was probably the best part of the day
loghann and i were going off on one and it was great
becca came in and watched us play for a while
i said that i didnt think miriam was there but she said she was and she’d talked to her so i asked how it went and was she alright and she said that it was ok
she left later i won and then class started
i ended up going to talk to miriam because i wanted to know if becca had actually talked to her
she said that she had seen her through the window and smiled at eachother but hadnt talked about anything
and that was kinda it
so i messaged her about it and and it went from there and ended up with me saying that she had been lying to me and she denied it and accused me of lying to her (about telling lily which i had, it was a lie though and we both new it all i did was tell my friend one of my other ‘friends’ was lying to me again) and saying i was putting the blame on her and making it sound like it was all her fault
i wasnt blaming her for anything i was just saying what she had done and how it had made me feel (hurt and taken advantage of(and pissed off but i didnt add that))
it was her fault she created all this for herself and yeah
while all this was happening i was shaking so much it was hard to get my fingers to hit the right keys
partway through i went to tell mum what was going on and then ended up crying and eating four rice cakes
went back to the conversation where she said that she had never lied to me
i said i gave her as many chances to come clean as i could and then sent her a link to the real brices page and said ‘tell me im wrong’
and thats is she’s left me on seen
i had messaged charles earlier like when we’d still been talking about miriam and said sorry if shit happens he said nothing had
i want to tell him but i also think she should tell him and the rest of them herself but i doubt she will
she asked how would that get me anywhere and honestly i have no idea
notable quotes: (her ‘) (me “)
‘hannah i havent been myself in a long time what do you expect from me’ “i expect you not to lie to my face when im trying to care about you”
“how can you forget about something that didnt happen”
‘hannah i know you’ve been talking shit behind my back i just didnt want to believe it’ ” and i didnt want to believer that youve been lying to me for a year”
“what am i wrong about” ‘everything you saying im lying but im not so ye’
‘youre making it sound like its all my fault’
‘omg ffs are you kidding me right now’ “no im obviously not i wouldnt do this for fun” ‘ well
thanks for making me feel like shit like you always do so it seems like you have never believed me
so why try now’ (i have never tried to make her feel like shit if i have its her own problem of jealousy or something. i used to believe her. im not trying to now im doing the exact opposite)
‘ive never lied to you i cant believe you think that’

i didnt bring up the cancer and adoption things because that came from lily and her mum which isnt really something i should know
i kinda wish i could have been a fly on the wall through that
i know how hard it is to get out of a lie and come clean about it but it would have been great to see her exact thought process through the whole thing and when she realised it was over and does she really think she doesnt need help? why did she start in the first place how did it get so out of hand

lily is gonna come talk to miriam tomorrow

i asked her to tell me if im wrong
she hasnt said shit

oh my dick is fallen off (Tnanslation: fucking hell everything we thought we knew but still didn’t really believe)

a josh phrase perfectly describes whats going on right now
(just realised that today is the first day since we met that charles and i haven’t talked on facebook)
I’ve finally been able to follow brice on instagram seeing as becca said he found me on it
I’ve found his before and didn’t follow it because i was on private and didn’t want to intrude cos she’s said a few times over the past year that she’s been dating him on and off and also that she’s been staying with him for the last week because she’s trying to hide from his dad who she says has raped her and got her pregnant twice and that the first time she said she got pregnant was i think with brice or maybe he was the knight in shining armour who said that he would help look after her while she went to term and
(i just though about what the hell she could have said to the boys about brice)
i think actually he might have been the ‘father’ and had wanted to keep the baby i don’t know it started a long while ago
so
i followed him and he accepted the request and i scrolled through all his posts trying to find the photo she sent me the other day when she asked what i thought of him and i asked why
at this point i was thinking that this must be the guy she told loghann about at formal who she had gotten with two days before that and wasn’t going to tell me about it and she still hasn’t mentioned that she’s ‘dating’ him but she had sent the photo and also ‘he’ followed me on instagram
so i was just trying to figure out if this was the guy and it seems like its also the guy she’s been talking about for the last year
so i found the photo which becca had supposedly taken
also found lots of photos of becca that she had at whatever times told me that he had taken of her
there was photos of couples and it was definitely him but the girl wasn’t her
like really wasn’t and the way the captions had been written was definitely saying it was her
there was a photo with another girl where the caption said sis but it was the same girl he was kissing in the other photos
so the search began
facebook searched him but nothing came up
this was when i was still assuming he was either kiwi or aussie cos thats what becca had told me
then everything from there was standard google
his name with motocross came up with some older guy called chad but had the same last name
went with maybe it was photos of this guy when he was younger but nope
also him bike number was different
so searched him name and bike number hoping he was good enough to have something come up quick which it didn’t
noticed that there was a competition photo from in texas so looked up combinations of his name and bike number and texas and motocross and then searched the website that was on the banner in the background which came up with nothing
tried with kiwi motocross cos i was like how would she know about some dude in texas maybe he travelled?
then it was the combination of ‘texas motocross brice reed 561’ that finally got me somewhere
a tracksideonline page that was race results or something there wasn’t a photo but it got me an area in texas so copied and pasted the name and location to google
ended up with a profile on hookit (no idea what it is really) and there were photos and linked to his instagram where yeah i found the real Brice Reed 22, Texas
the photos of the girl were from years ago
becca follows him
if he isn’t real (in the sense that he’s not who she said he was as in they’ve never met) then he never got her pregnant she never stayed at her place or offered to move to new zealand to be with her or carried her around when her knee was fucked or took photos of her sleeping
his father also isn’t real so there was no way he could kidnap her and rape her and get her pregnant two times and you can’t put a restraining order on him when you have never had any kind of contact with him
she hasn’t been staying with him he never took her on that shopping trip last year
she had been lying to me for a year
lying to my face
alena loghann lily and jess all know about this now because i was just messing around with it going oh i can see this boys instagram now wonder what he looks like and i just knew it was a lie
THE BOYS FUCKING FOLLOW HIM (oh god what has she told them she says charles knows everything has she told him the same stuff about her being ‘pregnant’ and the rape and getting drugged and beaten)
in the end i felt really shit about it
like still do
like if there is something wrong enough in her head that she feels like she has to create this YEAR LONG ENDEAVOUR with all its twists and turns and all the lies upon lies upon lies
(does her dad really have cancer? she hasn’t mentioned it since that first couple of days)
(she told me she broke her finger two days ago but didn’t mention it at all today)
(she won’t admit that she always has an injury: her knee over and over again, her shoulder, wrists, bruises that I’ve never seen, ankles, concussion, trips to hospital but never taking time off school, broken toes, broken ribs (apparently from charles hugging her too hard or restraining her when she was going to have a go at paul at course), broken finger (oh year thats right she was beaten and what else was there…. oh right she told me SHE WAS STABBED FUCKING STABBED IN THE GUT BUY THE GUY THAT TRIED TO RAPE HER she told me she was stabbed)
she’s had at least three friends die or get seriously injured in car accidents
and i don’t know if i can believe that anymore
i also don’t want to just blow whatever world she has constructed for herself out of the water if its her coping mechanism then ok its not healthy or sound but i don’t want to take that away from her
i don’t know what to do
i told rebecca a little about it and she offered to take me to school and tell miriam all about it with me and yeah turns out miriam won’t be there tomorrow so I’ve booked for wednesday morning
i don’t know how i can deal with a whole day tomorrow knowing all this shit
like we kinda figured that it was a lie about the rape and pregnancies but like for so much to be a lie
for him to not only be not a person but to have made an instagram taking photos and replying to herself in the comments
its even a private thing so its not even like people can see it and go oh wow she’s got a boy
and what foot do you have to stand on with me and charles not outright mentioning to you that we hung out when you’ve lied to us about such huge things
i need to talk to him and see him again
but i can’t till next weekend i guess

THERES SO MUCH MORE TO SAY NOW

first day backkkkkkk
and i don’t really know what to say
saw people in louise’s homebase before purple and they had some pretty good reactions to my hair
saw miriam too she’s back and loves the dreads
watched youtube for the first time in what feels like a lot longer than it actually was and went on a little rampage through button poetry because i didn’t want to watch interstellar and also i was in a poet-y mood because of the workshop being in the afternoon
brodie came in late as usual and he didn’t say anything to me so after a while i poked him in the leg and waved and that was it basically
he doesn’t like the dreads
idc he never likes anything i do with my hair fuck him
i wonder how the whole being hoe thing is going
but also i don’t want to ask because i don’t want details
found some new stuff i like
then class was over and to community which wasn’t so bad
i think the whole school thing isn’t so bad because I’m actually doing something and I’m enjoying not being bored no matter what I’m doing i guess
break i went and got a lift with becca which was ok and we talked about stuff
then art which wasn’t so bad because i actually kinda tried an idea that i wanted to for a while like along the lines of falling into a voting booth and being smothered with politics which turned into three things with the three prime ministers that have held the position when I’ve been alive (except for whoever was in before helen clark because she was elected in the year of my birth but i only just realised that there would’ve been a couple months when it was someone else not her) and like ending up in a corner and then in a waterfall of red and blue dye(?) and then with vines then the hiding behind the polling booth
so thats that
had lunch took photos went to mentoring for art
art isn’t good for mentoring i need more than half an hour to do anything worth getting stuck into like i could on fridays but like other days not so much on a normal day its more for yellow and pbl
then there was efs where we have a new student teacher which i don’t like as much as sharnae but mostly because she isn’t sharnae and for no real reason
i don’t really know what we actually did though
talked about some stuff and i left 20 mins early
there was a really interesting guy on my bus like a cool guy like alt af and great and he was in the 2m can’t look distance which was sad
(brodie says being a hoe is going good and i feel gross)
that just killed my mood
i should not ask questions i don’t want the answers to
i don’t learn
but i wrote and observation thing about the guy which is weird but i also kinda like it though i only liked it while i was writing it and looking back on it i havens read it again so i can’t be sure
so i guess i have to more onto all the to tuam st shit
caught the but there was the guy he got off at the exchange got off at the stop and walked till i was sure i was in the right place
then wandered around the other streets to kill time because it was like half an hour till four still or a bit more so i went on an adventure
there was a guy on a bike that may have said something to me but i had my music in and he was leering at me in like a really gross way and kept looking back at me to the point where i thought he was going to stop and actually try and talk to me
but he didn’t and i kept talking i found the little dairy place and then down the road corner of tuam and nursery(?) rd was a bigger dairy and i got another lift which i probably shouldn’t have gotten
(stop trying to talk to him he doesn’t care)
(like seriously stop youre going to end up making yourself feel worse)
i wore purple lipstick today??
so people were there
i knew all of them from school (jessi) and faultline and rising voices (troy is the only guy and yes I’m disappointed theres no others like ben or josh goys who write are interesting)
we did the whole explain your name origin and why we write thing and it does really feel like rising voices
writing activity was cool was like the other ones we did where sarcasm became fear
might be doing a thing next thursday??
but stop was a while
bus was fine and i thought of noah
wrote about him too
and other weird stuff too
started a patchwork poem with all the noah stuff and i don’t know if its going to work
i invited him to faultline on facebook don’t know if he’ll see it or go if he does but i did it when i was at riccarton station then 100 home was the really nice lady driver who i used to get sometimes on the way home last year
i decided that since i don’t take rest days with the app i can take rest days when i feel like i need them which was today with everything I’ve done
i think i need to wash my hair and dreads tomorrow night and ya know put them in nice for friday
but then they get fluffy in the weekend so I’m not sure
i still feel kinda sunburnt which is weird
i don’t know whats going on
and now I’ve run out of things to say

LILILIOILLIOIL

lily was at school and thats when it started wrong
basically went to the supermarket and i got a v like one of the new ish ones the pink spiked punch
its decent actually
then wandered round for ages and i was kinda third wheeling them which sucks cos i know they don’t mean it but its just how it is
then eventually becca and george got there and it was kinda awkward and yup thats it
went back to the girls
and then was like actually the other ones
then ditched class to go to the cafe with george and becca and it was actually pretty great he’s cool and as far as i can tell a pretty decent guy
then it got to the point where was like hey I’m actually enjoying myself with these guys more than i was walking around with lily and jess because i feel like this is actually a even interaction and not just them and me
so lunch with them too went to the supermarket (had already gotten a lift at the cafe) and then got a dr pepper
ended up sitting in the stairs place like the other day and there was still this thing of who is worse me or charles (OH GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS TO COME (24/8/17)) but apparently we need to be together for that to be figured out
and now i know who ben is
the guy i said happy hanukah to the other day
now mutually following on instagram
he’s actually kinda ok a little bit maybe i don’t want to commit to a positive judgement right now
then the girls ended up with us and i kinda chose against them
ended up back at the cafe i kinda crashed and it was alright
walked a little way with just george to the orbiter road and thats it for school
oh and brodie was sick but i couldn’t bring myself to say that i missed him because that would be a little uncomfortable
badly drawn tiny politicians is now a thing
progressing to also badly painted tiny politicians
which are going to have something to do with my art folio
i like them but i don’t know how they fit with any artist model or anything like that
watching season two of lucifer now because season three has just started on tv
nothing else really
hands class again tomorrow but the thing is i don’t want to make him clothes now
or at least not stuff him
and by him i mean Otis

I’m actually really proud of myself

i may have hated every minute of it but i have completed my 30 day challenge
it has kinda become a habit now
I’m now kinda stressing about the meeting on monday because people are really important
and its all the teachers and i don’t like it
but I’m going to go numb my brain with youtube and ignore it once I’ve written this
guitar was decent and holly was back today
then we talked about my folio which i don’t really get what I’m doing except for the fact that i need to stop generating and need to start regenerating ideas instead
and then jess used her card to buy the fidget spinner of doom and i payed her back
its also getting delivered to her place not mine because i don’t want mum to know and also theres more likely to be someone at her place to sign for it or whatever
id say its $25 well spent
and now i need to stop spending money on things
but the lady at the hot food counter in new world (cos jess needed to buy water and i bought food because I’m a little shit) is great and on wednesday she gave me two sour cream tubs with my wedges and she did the same today as well though she did go to pick up one of the smaller bags for a cordon bleu because thats what i usually get
then i went with sophie into the art room in mentoring and did some stuff then it was class so she left and jess came and it was pretty good we shared headphones even though i had the splitter because it was the one day she didn’t bring hers
and we left at half two which meant i caught my old bus with the st Thomas boys which was kinda weird and i saw nathan for the first time in a very long time but he ended up not seeing me and sitting behind me
ryan was also on the bus and after a while we were the only two people on the but that weren’t in that blue yellow uniform
the driver was kinda shit and kept missing stops
then work
and rebecca is coming home tonight