Last day of being 17

i think i should say some things about turning 18
maybe write a poem about it
but i have other shit to say first before i get too sentimental
and as usual a bit heavy on the mental side
i also think i might message some certain people stuff i think is kinda important
but ill get to that
basically i woke up and then ended up in a rush because rebecca and i were going to lunch with dad
while i was in the shower i was thinking that its my first birthday without grandma and grand-dad and that I’m turning 18 and i miss them and i never really mourned either of them and theres so much grand-dad hasn’t seen of my life and there will be so much to come that the won’t be there for and so i asked mum if we can go to the crematorium tomorrow
wrote something for the boy
then went to lunch at denny’s the place of gods and had nachos as usual and talked a bit but dad and rebecca did a lot of the talking about driving and stuff but when i did make comments on stuff i felt more like myself and i didn’t feel weird about it except for feeling weird about how it didn’t feel weird
wrote something for the wife
then at home i didn’t really do much but sit on youtube and think about stuff
i painted my nails and
im an idiot
did the workout and stretched a pathetically little amount
and I’m almost finished all my dreads and i think i might make it to forty
in before i don’t have enough dreads to finish all my hair
i might be able to steal some of the purple ones from my other set if that happens and if i can find some thin ones
and one for jarrod
i feel like it could be considered leading him on? but i don’t think he’s in an emotional state to be lead so does it matter?
i don’t really know if i have anyone else to say anything to

i think what I’m saying in the things to these people is basically all i need to say to go I’m done with being seventeen and i can be a little bit different and a little bit better starting from tomorrow
and i know some things will still stay the same like how I’m not going to be confident doing some things on my own or with my art and my writing for school stuff but i can’t just change everything overnight

I’m grateful for everything that has happened and how its impacted me as a person and who i am now and what i want to do with my life because of it and I’m even more grateful that after everything we’re friends again and i care about you a hell of a lot more than i do for the majority of other people in the world and i hope you have hope for your future and manage to do whatever it is you end up wanting to achieve.. love you man :3

wife wife wife wife wife i love you a hell of a lot and I’m proud of you for everything you’ve done so far and can’t wait to see everything else you do with your life because its going to be amazing because youre amazing and ill be here for you whenever you need me and i hope we can still manage to see each other even though I’m crap at making plans and then actually doing them but i swear next weekend if youre free we’ll do something

heyyyyyyy so i know we don’t always have much to talk about and sometimes conversations just end out of nowhere but I’m really grateful that after everything we can still talk and i can almost promise that oneway ill fly over and something will happen because we need to be weird in person at least once in our lives and I’m glad that i made an account on that stupid site and then messaged you back x

I’m getting old and when you get to my age things that used to mean a whole load and were so important get put into perspective a little bit

tomorrow i’ll be eighteen

I’m actually really proud of myself

i may have hated every minute of it but i have completed my 30 day challenge
it has kinda become a habit now
I’m now kinda stressing about the meeting on monday because people are really important
and its all the teachers and i don’t like it
but I’m going to go numb my brain with youtube and ignore it once I’ve written this
guitar was decent and holly was back today
then we talked about my folio which i don’t really get what I’m doing except for the fact that i need to stop generating and need to start regenerating ideas instead
and then jess used her card to buy the fidget spinner of doom and i payed her back
its also getting delivered to her place not mine because i don’t want mum to know and also theres more likely to be someone at her place to sign for it or whatever
id say its $25 well spent
and now i need to stop spending money on things
but the lady at the hot food counter in new world (cos jess needed to buy water and i bought food because I’m a little shit) is great and on wednesday she gave me two sour cream tubs with my wedges and she did the same today as well though she did go to pick up one of the smaller bags for a cordon bleu because thats what i usually get
then i went with sophie into the art room in mentoring and did some stuff then it was class so she left and jess came and it was pretty good we shared headphones even though i had the splitter because it was the one day she didn’t bring hers
and we left at half two which meant i caught my old bus with the st Thomas boys which was kinda weird and i saw nathan for the first time in a very long time but he ended up not seeing me and sitting behind me
ryan was also on the bus and after a while we were the only two people on the but that weren’t in that blue yellow uniform
the driver was kinda shit and kept missing stops
then work
and rebecca is coming home tonight


thats the word that i needed when i was trying to draw and label the plasma membrane diagram today but theres other things to talk about first like lots of things because i feel like I’m actually doing things with my life
nothing happened in english for a while till i asked richard if i could talk to him about a non class related thing which was politics
i told him that i was enrolled to vote and didn’t really know what to do about finding out more and he gave me the richard answer and the teacher answer
he doesn’t vote because he feels like he doesn’t know enough to make and educated decision about who he should vote for that would be best for what he agreed with and thought was important
then he said that the teacher answer would be to do loads of research and invest hours into it which neither of us are really prepared to do he also mentioned he kinda knew about on the fence which i told him that id done and he said that i was then probably more educated on politics than 90% of the country which i don’t agree with but he said if he could he would let me vote for him
then ana holly and i talked to him after class about the classroom² and we had a date then kitty talked to him about camp dates so then we couldn’t have it when we thought and we went and ferried the question to brent who came back with us
then in green we went to find liam and got him to create an email for us to use as our google classroom account
then talked to steven about wanting to run something at a staff meeting and he told us if we wanted to do just a campus meeting to talk to duncan
so we talked to duncan about it and it was kinda iffy but we’re penciled in for the 26th
we went back to the other richards homebase and created classroom² and made a couple of videos but we had background noise in it so ana is going to have to figure out how to mute it
then i got a text from mike and i went to go meet chloe who seems pretty cool and we’ve arranged for the three of us to have lunch on tuesday next week
went back and they’d found out which forms can be digitised and sent out the survey
then we discussed how we thought we would need to have extra time and not being sure about the whole we only have three weeks left of term so we said we would meet up again in mentoring to talk to brent about it
i went to the cafe with sophie h and we actually had a pretty good and not awkward chat and then back in her homebase it was kinda weird because her ashleigh and he other sophie were talking about when they first met and then ended up getting to talking to primary school in general and i managed to join in and it was really ok
like ok ok ok and I’m not used to that
he suggested that we do the meeting next monday even though its pretty close and I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE TO TALK TO THEM ANAD ASK IF WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME FOR IT
id really rather not be there but they need me?? apparently I’m really good at doing stuff which i don’t get
then there was bio where we did some stuff with DNA that i think I’m starting to kinda get a little better with and then we did a cantamaths style quiz and i was in a group with josh (jacobs brother who is pretty cool) xavier and ana and they didn’t really (as in ana cos josh was the runner and xavier didn’t do much??) think we were doing that well but i was pretty sure we were and as it turns out we won and chose to share a bag of fruit bursts
then i ended up missing my bus and then ended up sitting in the middle of the back next to fern who was in my usual seat and deans sister who was next to her and there was a young boy who was kinda taking up two seats cos him and his scooter were in the way of moving over so there was kinda a spare seat next to me but not really
then dan got on and ended up standing in the top aisle in front of me
like all i could see of the whole bus was a couple of seats either side of me and his ass
and BOTH THE WINDOWS WERE OPEN AND ME BEING IN THE VERY MIDDLE got both of then fucking up my hair the whole time and i was dying
when ella(?) got off dan ended up sitting next to me
that was all
literally all it was he didn’t even say hi or anything
i did see brooke though didn’t get to say hi but yeah smiled and shit
and then work which i was at all by my self and i think mr topham was hiding from the cleaning parents and students
then home and thats it
i feel lime I’m actually doing stuff and I’m not sure how i feel about it because i don’t really know whats going on and i don’t really feel like i have time to myself anymore but i don’t need any really because i internally and personally and emotionally don’t really have anything i need time for
i don’t have any problems and i don’t know how i feel about it

george is just a little bit special

also don’t shake lava lamps
we had pizza
and rebecca said she loved me lots and yachts and then at the same time we said dinghies it was great at the time ok
which was like a minute ago but shh
anyway it happened
and then i took the braids out and i kinda wish my hair was like this all the time but kinda not
also want to make red dreads but make them slightly thinner than the ones i have at the moment but not entirely sure because that would kinda mean there were more of them even if they were more flexible
i don’t think I’ve even watched any of todays videos of gone on the watch later rampage
i swear the lava lamp used to be blue but now its white and goes yellow when its on
but yeah he’s just a little bit special and doesn’t exactly remember how to lamp properly sometimes
the garage sale is on tomorrow i feel kinda weird about having red hair now
i miss the green but it was so much harder to keep the colour in
i also mis being on planes
i actually do want to go to sydney
#planittripit and all that right?
but then want to go to the uk too
and egypt but preferably in a time machine because ancient egypt would be so much better than current… even if there wasn’t wifi or anything but there would be the pharaohs and the traditional religion and the temples
even though i wouldnt be able to understand anything they were saying
which would suck and is kinda why i only want to go to daily english speaking places because language barriers are terrifying
but going to sydney with dad will be fine but don’t know if rebecca will some with us and in some ways i hope she will because i don’t know how to talk to da very well but also if she isn’t there it would be so so much easier with the whole food situation and that thing where she has so may food intolerances
but then i just have the problem of never really knowing what i do want to eat
fuck this family is complicated
i don’t know whats going on
i think some stranger has come to the door wanting to look at all the garage sale stuff before tomorrow morning when its all set up for the public
what a cunt though can you not wait till tomorrow like all the other people and not come at almost nine at night when we’re keeping to ourselves?
but theres a new hunting we will go episode out
still don get why I’m so invested in this series when I’m not even a gamer and don’t get anything about football or fifa like what the actual fuck?
its the personality
of course it is
its not even a question really
but the rest of the world can fuck off though

Everything OTHER

body mind spirit festival this morning
walked around the whole place and then got my aura photograph done
while i was waiting saw Alice which was pretty cool and she was with her man
i got a reading of the photograph afterwards and basically the lady said i was intuitive and a very caring and compassionate person i have a lot of energy to give but the people drawn to it tend to take a lot there is someone (a female spirit or angel) who walks just in front of me who is very determined and helps me make decisions
then to a man who did palmistry who was british (this is significant kinda) he told me about numerology and my lucky number is 8 and the colour is cold blue
this might be a lot to write and hard to remember
my wealth isn’t going to be much and I’m of anglo-saxon decent and i have a sun hand my thumb is also longer which indicates a higher IQ
along my life line something happened to me when i was 13-14 or maybe younger he said which fits i suppose
i also have a split around where i would be in my early 30s meaning there will be a big change or i need to make a huge decision about something i also have two back-up lifelines which he said means if i was in hospital and a doctor told him that i wasn’t going to make it he would tell them they were wrong because of those apparently rare lines also my life line is very long possibly into my nineties
i also have a cross below my love line showing an affinity for spiritualness and that stuff which was also indicated in the aura photograph
mum and i both had buddha’s eyes on our thumbs can’t exactly remember what that means
theres a line that indicates my creativity and I’m very artistic he says could go for anything in the arts and i would do well and also would be a good business woman
i have quite a few loyalty lines and also quite a few lines on the base of my thumb that would mean i have some ancestors and relatives waiting for me in the ‘new world’ as he called it (afterlife)
theres a line between my ring and middle finger that i don’t quite remember what it means and i also have three (3 distinct but a couple fainter ones) lines that show relationships and one has a perpendicular line which would mean having a son but he said (and I’m not quite sure if the son would be or the man with him) would be a good and lovely boy
he also said that they might not all be guys that i was with they could be ones that i wanted them to ask me out but didn’t
i got two bell anklets a gaia stone and then a fluorite(?) with ruby in it for mum for her birthday considered getting a deck of tarot cards but didn’t there wasn’t really a pack that felt right
the last thing was i got a tarot reading from Davina (who was also british.. how i managed to pick the two people who were british out of the whole place i don’t know) and i had the option of a general reading or about something specific and as i said to mum later that if it had been a couple years ago (maybe even a few months) i would have said for something specific like what the hell is with this boy but now i went for just a general reading
i chose the deck and shuffled it and she dealt ten cards
the first two were the ace and king of pentacles… someone in my life probably male but i think it might be mum cos she said it would be someone helping with money and becoming more independent and moving more into my own life (but then it might be Mike but not with money)
the third card was the magician (for something that i need to learn) which she said was for self-confidence and that i didn’t tend to blow my own horn much and i do have the skills to do what i want to or need to but not the confidence to so not to feel shy about saying what i have achieved
the fourth (area of life in need of attention) was the nine of swords which it the worrier card (not warrior) and that i may be losing sleep over things showing I’m a caring person but get caught up in things
fifth (hidden obstacles) was the six of cups which Davina said was a nostalgic card which might mean that even though there are no major things that could screw me up it might be that something from the part or a relationship or friendship messes with my shit like an opportunity that might come up that would mean needing to cut ties with or stress connections with people but i should take the opportunity anyway because its easier to keep in touch with people now
the first pair (notice this and that to do about it) was the justice card which means that even though she can’t tell me what or when it will be it will have something to do with a judgement call or a moral dilemma (i just accidentally spelt that right) and that its about right and wrong the second card was the eight of swords which is being caught up in something that wasn’t my doing and that i would have to “take a good hard look in the mirror” and deal with myself about how i ended up like that but it wouldnt be something i had gone into of my own volition more like being manipulated or coerced into it
the second pair was life changes what is coming and how to prepare for it the first card was the five of wands which is like me holding my own ground and standing up for myself the image was of two guys arm wrestling and that people may underestimate me
and the second of that pair and the final card was the world which is a end of a chapter card

after all that which was like three hours we went to the school gardens show which was ok i guess went to the library watched the winter soldier and thats pretty much it
brodie dyed his hair purple yesterday and meccas dying hers the same colour soon too and lily an i are pissed about it
and now I’m making lily a felted hatch keychain and listening to bagpipes
probably gonna go onto youtube
finally at 8pm

Are you wearing pants?

when i got to school like 15 mins before class started even though i took an earlier bus
fuck this stupid traffic
i went into richard’s homebase and diana was there with patrice and then in the corner talking to no one was dan who I’m pretty sure is oblivious to everything when he’s alone anyway
the first thing diana said to me was asking if i was even wearing pants to which i eloquently replied uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *point* bike shorts
im so good at this human interaction thing
and now I’m not writing this post properly because I’m posting random poem pieces on the other blog
i sent one of the things to cameron
art was meh but i did do a thing
i need to remember to go and talk to mike tomorrow
went to new world with becca because brodie wasn’t answering his messages but he then said that he went a bit after we did
made a donation to the dumbass by giving $2 to yashbir for no real reason
in ifs it wasn’t so bad not really sure whats going on now though
we made a google doc?
told brodie about grandma
i was ignoring him for a bit when he was trying to show me something about a photo and then slapped my leg
and i kept ignoring him so he slapped me i think twice more and it left a mark for a while its gone now though and then when i was about to go off to class i was like well i can feel one of my knees but not the other and its weird and he jokingly offered to slap the other one but i seriously said yes and he did
they didn’t get why i said yes i don’t really either
but theres no marks now
neither him nor becca will be there tomorrow
the greatest thing of the day was at work i wrote larry’s popcorn machine on my mop bucket and gnome-be-gone on the purple spray the wand of justice on the kitchen mop handle and kind arthur’s sword on the toilet mop
also ended up putting a sign saying this was to narnia on the pointless laundry bin and mum put a couple signs on some bins saying something about the magic wishing tree and down the rabbit hole
ha phil you can suck it you interfering little British gnome

who are you exactly?

got up early
well for a day that i wasn’t going to school it was early but for a school day it was late
so much sense gets made the fuck dude
and went to riccarton with mum
i feel like i twitch too much and like today i was noticing my foot was always moving i think I’m a fidgeter now this is not who i wanted to be in life fuck this
so then later we were kinda later than mum wanted us to be and then we were handing out service sheets it was weird seeing so many people that knew who i was but i had no idea who they were or i knew their name but had never seen them before or something like that
really twitchy
and hugged loads of people that i don’t know and they all bumped my healing piercing like thanks
lots of smalltalk was made
dad was there and mum thought that would bother her but it didn’t too much
i didn’t think i was going to cry but i got closer to it than i thought i would especially when things about grand-dad came up that was pretty hard
walked the coffin out i was at the back left corner or like above her left shoulder i guess and then lifted her into the hearse
I’m going to end up with pins and needles
then the piper took her out to the highland fling
now listening to bagpipes
then went into the catering lounge for afternoon tea and dad was crying like a lot I’ve never seen him cry before and it was really hard for me to see that like i knew if it was something i looked at and tried to remember that i would’ve started crying then and there so its something that i can remember out the corner of my eye
i know kinda know who brian gowns is who has been ringing quite often he held onto rebecca and cos i had my arm around her shoulder i ended up with my hand in his armpit which wasn’t pleasant
followed rebecca around at the afternoon tea and then ended up sitting on the edge with her and when people had started leafing maddie and cameron came and sat with us and we talked about stuff and cameron had said he didn’t think he’d seen us ever not standing with mum at family things which was probably true really
i feel weird about which people i give capital letters in their names too it really depends on the mood sometimes i just don’t because i don’t think about it but others i purposefully capitalise their name for a certain reason or leave it lowercase for a certain reason and others i don’t bother either way even if i do think of it
but with punctuation i just don’t bother at all
who gives a fuck i can just press enter
maddie said something
ie or y?
something about us being the statues that have finally started talking
and i guess yeah but then i still wasn’t really talking much
eventually we all made it to aunty joannes and uncle glens and
ok so
she had water i had cola right and she wanted to smell it for whatever reason?? and so she asked “can i sniff your coke?” and then we just kept laughing which was kinda awkward and thing i couldn’t drink it for quite a while cos every time i looked at it i would just start laughing
after food of after id finished food and other people were still eating rebecca and i ended up in the blue couch room cos there wasn’t really seats anywhere else and we were the only people in there till cameron came in and then maddie a little bit after so then it kinda became the young people room and we were all talking and stuff or kinda all talking gary came and sat with us too and amy and yeah it was nice then aunty joanne came in too and then people left and then it was just cameron and i kinda just talking about stuff like big stuff
it started with art and then got into poetry and relationships and books (told him about the long walk) feelings and depression and life and career options and it was pretty deep and like an intense conversation to have with someone you’ve basically never talked to since you were 7 years old and had a dragon drawing competition with and he obviously won
and nelson was there dogs are great
nick the guy in the waistcoat with eyes like matt the music teacher came and sat with us too and we talked about movies and caterpillars and gnomes and a bit about circus
i now have to give like sane (logical/smart/intelligent/valid) replies and critiques on his art and things and i don’t know how to do that like how do i voice my opinions
i just messaged jarrod i don’t know how this is going to go
my feelings always seem to end up in the wrong places lately this is not ok

p.s. i had to message brodie about the fact that i saw dad cry because i didn’t want jarrod to be the first one i said it to

p.p.s. i haven’t done my biology homework

managing the workload

I’ve never really struggled with the amount of work I’ve gotten from school but then I’ve never really had more than one thing at a time
and i don’t have the time to manage everything properly
i was late to school today but like 10 minutes because the traffic is especially bad at the beginning of the year so i might have to catch an earlier bus in the morning because richard is pissed about people being late
brodie was half an hour late so I’m not the worst but at least half the class was late he said
i need to get the shawshank redemption as soon as possible I’ve put a hold on it tonight and i need to also start reading a book to write a response to by the end of next week i think
grandma probably won’t be alive by then they’re surprised that she lasted through last night and same for the night before that too
my first butterfly came out today
work is taking up too much time
i did basically nothing in yellow today like i tried to do a painting but it didn’t come out right and i hated it and I’m not really sure where I’m going with it anyway
trying to eat and write this at the same time
i need to do as much of my bio thing tonight as i can and I’m not really sure what else
i think a poem for faultline and write the interpretive dance one in the book of shame
there was a safe driving thing in school today called coach bash and it was pretty bullshit like what they said was good and whatever but it was the whole clap along cheer ask questions thing that we really suck at
that was the only time i saw dan today but whatever i caught the bus with dean again which is actually pretty cool
the last class of the day was EFS and we’re going to be starting a hydroponic system in class and i knew that tomatoes and potatoes were part of the nightshade family me and my random garden knowledge that to me doesn’t seem random because I’ve grown up with it but still
the kid from kirkwood that always seems to be on the bus is called sam
i found a thin piece of wire on the table in EFS and i kept it round my pinkie finger all class and was fiddling with it on the bus but it was really starting to hurt and i was probably going to get it stuck on my finger so i gave it to dean instead
i don’t think theres anything else to say except that i was kinda a bitch to brodie this afternoon he was leaving and i said yay and fuck off which i immediately felt really weird about not like bad about saying it but like why did i? so then i texted him and apologised and he said he was going to the doctor to see if he’d broken his tailbone

unexpected pain that will be with me forever

i got scared by my alarm again i need to get used to australian guys singing about birds and bin juice waking me up in the morning
i didn’t really need to get up that early but i did anyway mum was already gone when i got up half hour after my alarm i got ready and stuff but i was really fucking cold like with no explanation cos i never get cold and it was the normal temperature in the house but i had a hot shower and put on jeans and a hoodie (I never wear hoodies inside unless I’m wearing it as an actual top wtf??) and sat on the couch to read cos i had an hour and a half till i had to catch the bus
i ended up dozing a bit once id put a countdown for the last half hour before i had to go i don’t even know how i managed to be so tired my leg kept jerking though but without my control which was freaky and meant i couldn’t actually fall asleep properly
and then this shit i wrote begins
–Started writing it on the bus on the way to school to have the 1-1 with Holly… ill add in bits where i need to that are more about what happened rather than what i was thinking or feeling–

Cute guy on the bus that I’m probably never gonna see again but he’s also conventionally handsome face-wise so I dunno I noticed him but not necessarily my type if I even have one though it’s mostly atypical attraction so not guys with bulk or pretty faces he’s tan though and has cool knees he would not like me I’m too weird I just appreciated his knees I don’t approve of his shoes though I generally don’t like guys shoes unless they’re converse or hightops or a certain type of dress shoes his jeans are pre ripped and with the wrinkly bits above the knees his eyes were kinda buggy too
went to new world to get a dr pepper because i wouldnt try and find one at paknsave at the mall because i would probably get lost so i figured dr pepper in ilam and id get a lift at the mall i got a chicken thingy that i can’t pronounce and then couldn’t find the international drinks part only the food but i was too awkward to walk out of the aisle without picking something up and they didn’t have milk duds so i got a reeces bar (which i still haven’t eaten and its now in the drawer next to my bed) and a lift then left to figure out where i was going to spend an hour killing time
I’m always really shy and sweet with the people at the deli counter at New world which is odd because the rest of the time I’m walking round looking like I want to kill someone by this point i was in the uni cafe with 20 mins left before i could go see Holly) I can feel heat radiating around me and is really strange considering I was so cold this morning the guy at the deli counter was kinda cute I don’t know why I talk so differently to the people there it might be a politeness thing like my fake cheer and confidence voice I use on the phone with everyone but mum but I think it’s more than that I found a bench to sit on near the river the guys in the treetech truck were watching me weirdly anyone who saw me would probably think I was smoking there were two guys next to the river from a distance I was worried they were druggies but closer it was an old man sitting against a tree and a younger man standing near him smoking didn’t make me feel much better cos the younger dude reminded me of Andy? The guy who loved cars drove trains got a cops daughter pregnant and smelt bad and had the same Shit white phone as me but had the orange version not blue like mine
I couldn’t find the Dr pepper in the international section they put bread there instead I’ve got 10 minutes till my 1-1
I was having a think about things on the bus
*Writing them in another note* (stuff about depression and anxiety and functionality and lonely people having longer showers)
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning
one to now with Holly after waiting outside while she finished with other people we talked about rejection and the obviousness of my struggles with it that I’ve been rejected my whole life by most of the people i know and because of that i reject myself and the things i do and I’ve also rejected people like mum and rebecca and i need to learn to stop doing that she also told me i need to start meditating and suggested i look up teal swan cos she does guided meditations
Totally impromptu piercing I’m getting my cartilage done why the hell am I doing this? I haven’t even really thought about it what the fuck????? I don’t usually do stuff like this I don’t know what’s going on and then I’m going to go to Kmart and buy a pouch thing
i then went to the mall and was really only going to get a purse/pouch thing to put stuff in in my school bag so it wasn’t just floating around and also wasn’t in a see-through bag which i had it in because the thing i had it in the last three years died and had still had blue eyeshadow dust that was getting into everything but for some reason i went to trendz straight away and I’m not really sure why i was going there maybe i was thinking of getting a different bar for my belly button or a black horseshoe ring for my lip…. but i went in and just asked the lady if i could have an appointment to get my cartilage pierced and then waited a bit while two little girls got their ears done and then got it done
i did have to tell her to move the dot down a bit but its in a good place now… i guess it was also the same kinda thing as when i did my belly button but i didn’t really think about the actual piercing process until i was in the creepy little room with a needle in my ear and i think it was pretty bad to do that cos I’m just getting more and more reckless i think is kinda the word with making decisions like that

I got it pierced and I got an Oreo milkshake I’m kinda screwed what am I doing with my life like honestly I didn’t even think about getting it done it hurt but not a painful kind of way I’d just forgotten what it felt like to get a piercing and you don’t know what the pain is to feel something go through one side of you and out the other like taking a hole out of your ear and even just feeling pain in your ear to begin with isn’t a normal thing and if it is it’s only pain on the surface of your skin not all the way through it this milkshake isn’t as good as I remembered remind me never to get another one cos it all gets stick in the bottom and it’s too thick for the straw
Threw the last but away cos I literally couldn’t suck it up the straw went to Kmart and felt really awkward my bus home is soon
Got a pouch thing for my things in my school bag but unfortunately it’s glittery on one side
Got a choker too that I don’t know when I’d wear it but it’s adjustable in like the one from aunty Joanne and I just saw Spencer he gave me an eyebrow nod
–current time writing from now on–
I’m probably never going to read all these posts back not for a very very long time at least
now ill only be able to donate blood just just just before my birthday and then the tattoo after that
I’m going to have to make sure i hide it from mum shit and rebecca which means she can’t dutch braid my hair until its healed and she or both of them know about it
i also had a thought about what I’m going to do for my folio this year because I’m pretty sure I’m going to be stopping my egyptian one but i do want to do something with animals that i feel a really strangely strong connection with even though I’ve never seen a camel or a whale in real life and I’ve never really been close to a magpie or a gibbon…. there was the time at orana park where i just sat with the gibbon that was in the solitary enclosure for a long while and it was probably one of the coolest animal interactions of my life
so its going to be something in watercolours and indian ink and paint or a combination of two of them at a time or something like that and theres a human in the middle like i think Da Vinci’s Vitruvian man but more featureless and a woman and magpie wings and a whales heart and a camels face and i don’t know what about the gibbon maybe just hanging off the person
i had a conversation with jess yesterday at school but more on facebook the night before of what i would call myself if i was a guy and she said she wouldnt let me call myself harry but she would allow aiden so yeah i think I’m going to have Aiden days sometimes and theres a possibility that I’m going to change my name on her chat to Aiden on those days but then i don’t know that could be a bit of a step too far
i want to get rid of my compactum but i don’t know if its really a good idea the thing is is the back of it it mouldyish and stuff will be in danger and also its too tall and too hard to move around and theres not enough wardrobe space in it and the drawers are useful sure but its just not the right thing anymore… also its too tall for me to properly do my makeup on it with the mirror and its hard to reach stuff
it also means its creating the corner of shame even if it has the command hooks on the sides for my tail and necklaces but i can always put them on the other one
my hair has gone viking punk at the moment
but if i was to get something else what would it be?
a nice ish clothes rack? but then i would still need a shelf to do my makeup on
a different piece of furniture? but how would i make it fit or pick the right thing to put in my room?
theres a whole lot of questions with that
just mentioned it to mum and she’s going to think about it she did say though about what happens with a dog with exposed clothing
shit i just thought tall tree ish thing to pee on… fuck
going to go watch the second episode of blindspot season two and make the creature keying for Holly kinda like the hatch ones but not exactly matching the colours
might make an actual one for Lily’s birthday
i spent ages when i got home hanging out with the monarch caterpillars and I’m way too invested in them to be normal i saved a couple from drowning and a few from starvation and competition i care about them…
lily wants to see them and i said we still need to go to orana park together so if its like next weekend she might be able to stay over so… we’ll see


Went back to work today and that sucked
Pretty much nothing else
I need to get a different job
And to pass level two this year for the potential puppy
Can’t wait to fail

*later at almost eleven at night after using the email function to do the first part*

so i redownloaded the student app
and i went through all my credits from the last four years and realised i have actually in an actual legitimate confirmed official way that I’ve passed level one
it hasn’t sunk in
i also sorted my subjects for this year
i just realised that i chose richards english class in purple which is the first class three days a week
I’m going to kill myself
i don’t know it might not be so bad
he’s going to try and get me to do an external probably and i think the first term is about an external visual texts and one other assessment it might be the level two texts for pleasure but i don’t know yet
anyway as far as i can tell because i already have 42 out of 80 credits and the assessments that it says on the descriptors for what I’m doing it adds to 40 i can pass with the first term normal classes and all year art with two credits grace
which is a bit lame considering that any of the assessments I’ve got are 4 credits each
but like I’ve got all that with just term one classes
just 1.1 classes at that
and without green block
how mad is that
this really isn’t sinking in
like holy shit i can actually pass and not have to do externals
i knew that was what i was going to try and do but i wasn’t entirely sure
but having said that i don’t want to think that its going to be easy
its really not because this will probably be the hardest year that I’ve had at school
i also found out a really interesting thing… that theres a possibility that i can get credits for sign language
if i could manage that like maybe go to a class when normal school has green block that would be fucking sick like if it worked
i do like sign language
not that i need to learn it and yeah its something that rebecca has already done but still i had a wee bit if a try at remembering as much as i could a couple weeks ago but it wasn’t much
and i guess its something to look into seeing as there isn’t much else that i can think of doing
i don’t really want to talk to mum about it but still its something for me to think about
its the day after tomorrow!!!
when school goes back
when i see whats left of my people
we’ve lost so many
gabe noah yashbir lia brodie too i guess and most saddening of all Lily
my wife is gone and I’m hardly ever going to see her
its gonna suck the others aren’t going to be as up for walking around like we did especially not jess although becca is kinda ok with it but it won’t be the same if its not with Lily
i don’t think i miss her yet nor the others but i know i will or at least i can anticipate how much ill dislike the change thats going on it won’t be fun for that i can already see
such a relief to know whats happening on wednesday like huge calmingness
yeah so
i also want to see if i can do a creative writing thing for level two although I’m pretty sure i did that last year? need to ask richard about that
i think it was because i didn’t finish the statement of intent on the penguins thing
i can pass this year I CAN ACTUALLY DO IT
I’m still not properly sure like it hasn’t sunk in yet i don’t know when it will but I’ve done all the organising that i can do while still being at home
its only like one more day until people
i have no idea whats going to happen but this bin chicken will be returning to whatever flock it has left