Life Happens (beware the blood)

ok so gonna cover a
well its normal
i was going to say its an odd topic but generally as it affects so many people its not odd just not talked about and i especially dont really talk about it
and since ive done nothing today but watch youtube and deal with this
and i havent really in depthed this yet
here goes
so yeah thats a thing
i knew last night
because i was 11 days late (according to the app i use to track it) that i would be triggering my period because sometimes my uterus forgets im a woman if i leave it alone and yeah i guess i could use the word unstimulated (still not yet a topic i want to cover maybe one day but not today)
so the average cycle is 28 days meaning roughly once a month but since the end of year 9 (where i missed like two or three months after being regular like clockwork) it got a bit out of wack
it wasnt till probably last year that it started getting very un-co but i was noticing longer cycles and definitely being late
its quite possibly to do with diet and exercise (IM TAKING A MOMENT TO CELEBRATE THAT IVE SPELT EXERCISE RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY FOR THE FIRST TIME MAYBE EVER) and stress but it can also just be a personal body thing
the first (i had this app before on my old phone but didnt really use it as well as i do now) cycle i tracked (keep in mind the average is 28 days) lasted 58 days
fifty eight
thats a month longer its one fully missed period
now i dont really know what was going on at that point in my life but i could i guess look it up
i looked it up and i t was a time where i probably wasnt eating great and had donated blood but nothing really stood out as something that should alter my cycle
but my average is still longer than normal as its 33 days
until today this morning the horrible i know im waking up with this and i dont want to move in case something bad happens feeling
it was 44 days and i know by the time ive missed it how i can trigger it but there never seems to be a good time
(this may also explain why i was so fucking emotional about charles and catherine the last couple of days instead of just being a pathetic asshole)
there is no good time to have a period
but to know it’s come and that i dont have to carry a tampon around in my pocket (yeah that happened for the last week of school where i knew i was late but didnt know when it would come and any remotely weird feeling i had sent me running to the bathroom) and it’s the holidays which is a slight blessing
when i was younger i also dont think i ever really got bad cramps but this year theyve been worse
what works is either a cooling cream (anti-flamme.. which sometimes works but not always) a hot water bottle (only works on my stomach because i cant lie on it) wheat bags (have a good weight and can put them behind my back and not worry about them exploding) and exercise
its shit that doing exercise helps my cramps and generally just makes me feel better when i have my period because its really something thats hard for me to start doing
like as much as i want my cramps to go away its also the whole moving around and worrying about leaking and just not wanting to move in general that brings an anxiety to it that makes me not want to do it even if it will help
you know what also sucks about periods
i dont have a good analogy for this but after sitting down or lying down sleeping the whole sitting up and getting up process, for me at least, is just a little bit stressful especially given some dodgy history
i also kinda want to add for no specific reason that i didnt tell my mum that i’d gotten my period for a few months after the fact like i left it a few times and then when she asked eventually i said yes (there were also some other problems with some things that i dont want to go into like ever but yeah i hope ill remember what that was later)
i remember the exact moment i first got my period it was at primary school i was in year eight and i knew what had happened and i think i just got by for the first few times from stealing things from my sister to deal with everything
and then theres now where im 18 and have got my system sorted
the thing is the whole pad vs tampon thing is all about occasion and im not going into that but i have been considering other options recently
like sure in the past with my ex we’d talked about birth control but at the time i couldnt swallow pills and we werent at the point where it was relevant for other reasons
other contraceptives never really seemed like an option because of them either feeling inaccessible or not wanting that specific kind
now theres diva cups or whatever the non branded name for them are and thats something to be considered too with all the chemicals in the processed cotton and waste products who knows when i find one in a shop we’ll see but who knows

and that concludes tonights rant about periods
(i say tonights like its a regular occurrence but hell no)


It all falls down.. or doesn’t? (mob/cows/scarab/end of the becca drama?)

I dunno but i got sunburnt
got up way too early for how much ive been sleeping and also for just the holidays in general
which was just the normal time i get up
met up with charles at northlands and my hair dried way too quickly for my liking and so i hadnt had it properly styled at all
when we were waiting for the bus this old lady came up to him and asked where a specific bus stopped he didnt know and then she went to cross the street and the whole road stopped for her
he went and hid around behind the bus shelter so he didnt see it but both sides of the road just stopped for her because she was a special old lady
we ended up at Sam and Catherine’s place and i met their dog Storm who was hyper as fuck to meet new people and of course Charles jumped on everyones bed
the weirdo
then we went off to the library
was weird
just hanging out and eating(???) in the library
(eating was later but whatever)
we just ended up talking about the things we’ve been told and whatever and waiting for becca to turn up if at all
she came with Melissa ages after we got there
and becca and i went to talk outside
she started blaming everything on ‘other shit’ that was going on in her life
turns out she says the other shit is with the mob (???)
like im supposed to believe her who thinks she’s hard but is a little bitch at heart
so it went in circles that she couldnt explain anything that i wasnt going to trust her again or believe her unless it was what i wanted to hear no one could explain the fake brice account i was in danger just because she mentioned the mob to me she had to get their permission to talk to us and leave her house today
what i had looked like proof that she had been lying she and no one else could explain it she couldnt give me proof that it was real i couldnt trust her because what i had looked like proof that she had been lying
around and around and around
before we actually went out to talk or actually we went out to talk and then i had to pee and she had to go back inside with me to find the toilets and we were laughing and shit like before all this happened
when she isnt lying about shit and trying to get attention she’s actually a decent friend but i’ve lost that and everyone else has lost that because of what she’s done
and she’s lost this all
Sam told me that becca said even if she never ended up friends with sam again that she would end up friends with me again
she did nothing to help herself today
Sam then came out and becca was adamant that she would walk away and yeah it was basically at the point where i was saying that if she cant admit anything to me and i cant trust her we cant do anything and anything with us is gone
i have still been nothing but civil
and im proud of that actually
while i was out with her Melissa had told everyone inside that becca hadnt had well pretty much anything to do with the mob and that it was actually her that had and was in it all
we talked about stories that she’d taken from other peoples lives and it was terrible and also good to get everything out
it didnt really change the fact that she had lied about almost everything she had ever said to us
i was starting to get sick of it and also feel a little left out because it got to a point where Melissa and Sam were talking about people from KHS and other mutual people who i knew nothing about
by this time becca had totally disappeared and saying she wasnt going to come back ignoring people calling her and was kinda replying to Melissa who kept making it really clear with me that she never hated me and never said i was a bitch which had been things that becca had told me and what she had told Melissa about me
It turns out we get along pretty well
like seriously when we ended up at KHS on the field there were quite a few times where we had the same thought and i said it out loud like Charles was lying on his side and lifted his leg up
she and i started laughing and i said the first thing that came into my head was ‘paint me like one of your french girls’ and she had had the exact same thought
there were a couple other things too which was like did becca realise (she might have been too dumb to but like still) that we would get along good and try to keep us from getting to be better friends with eachother than with her cos thats what it felt like
Charles got really sick of everything being about becca
but Sam was ofer talking to her and recording the conversation (we could hardly hear it when she came back with it and were gonna put it through Charles’ speaker but then Melissa’s phone died and we couldnt
so he was lying on the ground with his hood up and i said to Melissa that i kinda wanna pour water on him so i handed her my drink bottle and she threw water at him
it was seriously one of the best things ive ever had the idea for
like usually it wouldnt have happened i wouldnt have gone through with it but Melissa did for me and then he got pissed and picked her up then me up and dropped me which hurt a little
we left it a while and then did it again
i really wish ‘d filmed it now that would’ve been amazing but i didnt think of it
we’re gonna have to get to a point where we can do it again
then we were out of water bored and Sam had come back
nothing really to do it was almost 5 so Charles and i left and bussed back to northlands
managed to explain about the cow thing and he said he had no idea what to reply and also he thought it was really funny anyway so lack of relationship has been saved
(he did get real close with Catherine near then end but im jealous of everything and i havent been around him and other people in ages anyway)
i got the lamest hug when her left like it was kinda awkward i just ended up hugging crooked from behind his shoulder and he only reciprocated a little which i guess wouldve been a difficult position to be in anyway but also HE DIDNT JAB ME IN THE SIDE AT ALL
what he gave as an explanation to being nervous was not really anything at all
he just said something like because he’s left it for a while and hadn’t seen me in a while he stopped being nervous
i dont really get it but he doesnt make much sense at the best of times
but yeah i got lily to ask if he was free this weekend cos he mentioned that he still kinda wanted to meet her so maybe on wednesday but we have to ask again tomorrow
in the group chat i ended up saying the second magic mike was slightly better than the first cos Catherine bought it up cos Charles wanted to watch a movie
yeah i dunno
theres nothing more to be done with becca im not going to message her anymore cos the lack of attention with annoy her just as much as if i was having a go at her
it was nice though for those few minutes before and a bit after i went to pee that we had a little bit back to how it used to be
its just sad that she cant honour that friendship and value it enough to be honest with me

(drew out and figured out the colours for the scarab tattoo and it looks decent just got to find where im going to go to get it done some time next week after ive given blood on thursday (they called when i was at Sam’s) and lily and maybe jess is gonna come)

It’s all gone tits up

what does that even mean if you take that literally?
i dont wanna know to be honest
wow honesty what a concept
its all about the becca drama again isnt it
samantha called me when i was at work and said that becca had told her that her and melissa had been stalked around northlands mall
(I MESSAGED BRODIE about the kinda shitty but i kinda like it poem that ive written about the becca situation)
(also looked at beccas most recent posts on instagram)
so its the first of the month and maybe we’re getting somewhere to sorting things out
who knows
but yeah after i was done with work i messaged lily who said that she is in oxford at the moment and hasnt been to northlands and basically wouldnt give a fuck if she had seen her there anyway
so i was going to meet up with her on wednesday and then she bailed saying that her mum had a thing planned on that afternoon
so im meeting people tomorrow
its possible gonna be shit
and im freaking out about catching busses that i dont know and meeting people i dont really know and it sucks and i hate it
but now im talking to brodie about it all
and i actually feel a little ok at the moment
i spent like two hours on the phone with Samantha today and i could overhear george and Charles in the background sometimes
i didnt realise how much i missed Charles
and Brodie for that matter
until today
mum doesnt like how im dealing with this
im doing my best

or:did you know lemons have more sugar than strawberries

so it started with lily being at school in the morning…
It didn’tReallyIt startedWith a white tailed spider on my curtains at one in the morning
but then went to school and had the neeting with miriam and lily and talked about the options with talking to her mum or leaving it and how it would effect me and charles
i was going to message her mum about waht was going on but ive decided to wait especially with what has happened how
i dont really think us kids should be judge jury and executioner or that im playing that role its just i feel very responsible at the moment
so the thing was that samantha has messaged me asking if i was ok
i wasnt going to bullshit her and i wanted to see what she was going to say especially since what happened with her and lily and the fact that she apparently hated me
she was surprisingly nice about it and didnt seem that surprised about what i was telling her or mad at all that she’d been lied to
apparently shes also said to a few people today that she used to smoke in year 9 and stopped in year 10 which i dont want to believe and i really cant trust anything she says now
so yeah i didnt want to say too much to sam because i wasnt sure if she was just getting on my side to get at me for becca like thats how little trust i have right now with her lot but gradually i ended up telling her more
then she gave the access to an instagram account that she was talking to becca on where i could see the whole conversation
turnd out catherine sams sister was also reading it and added me as a friend on facebook
she didnt really know much at all
also turns out that she messaged me yesterday about becca and then appologised today because she hadnt actually really known what was going on
i have been on my best behaviour with all of this no swearing at all and trying to be totally levelheaded and facts only with everything i say
im doing my best and maybe i should just leave it but now that her and catherine have started talking to me about it i dont feel like i can
she says shes going to fix it and that i will be able to go back to being there for becca
i sent her two screenshots one of the real account one of the fake one which is now deleted but i have screenshots af quite a bit but i dont know if its enough
poetry was the last workshop
we did a thing where we passed around and wrote one line after someone elses and read them out at the end

0161 youre full of crap

i gave you so many opportunities tonight to come clean about lying to me
you didnt take any of them

school was good mostly
i got a mother before school
DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT scull a can of mother while walking fast
i almost threw up
saw kitty after purple and i gave her her presents (blue fairy elf thing and some charms) and she gave me a ring thats actually a turtle and it moves not really how birthdays usually go but yeah
then hung out with the people then had bio
then lunch were we went to new world and it was fun and then came back to play sweet valley high and i won… which was probably the best part of the day
loghann and i were going off on one and it was great
becca came in and watched us play for a while
i said that i didnt think miriam was there but she said she was and she’d talked to her so i asked how it went and was she alright and she said that it was ok
she left later i won and then class started
i ended up going to talk to miriam because i wanted to know if becca had actually talked to her
she said that she had seen her through the window and smiled at eachother but hadnt talked about anything
and that was kinda it
so i messaged her about it and and it went from there and ended up with me saying that she had been lying to me and she denied it and accused me of lying to her (about telling lily which i had, it was a lie though and we both new it all i did was tell my friend one of my other ‘friends’ was lying to me again) and saying i was putting the blame on her and making it sound like it was all her fault
i wasnt blaming her for anything i was just saying what she had done and how it had made me feel (hurt and taken advantage of(and pissed off but i didnt add that))
it was her fault she created all this for herself and yeah
while all this was happening i was shaking so much it was hard to get my fingers to hit the right keys
partway through i went to tell mum what was going on and then ended up crying and eating four rice cakes
went back to the conversation where she said that she had never lied to me
i said i gave her as many chances to come clean as i could and then sent her a link to the real brices page and said ‘tell me im wrong’
and thats is she’s left me on seen
i had messaged charles earlier like when we’d still been talking about miriam and said sorry if shit happens he said nothing had
i want to tell him but i also think she should tell him and the rest of them herself but i doubt she will
she asked how would that get me anywhere and honestly i have no idea
notable quotes: (her ‘) (me “)
‘hannah i havent been myself in a long time what do you expect from me’ “i expect you not to lie to my face when im trying to care about you”
“how can you forget about something that didnt happen”
‘hannah i know you’ve been talking shit behind my back i just didnt want to believe it’ ” and i didnt want to believer that youve been lying to me for a year”
“what am i wrong about” ‘everything you saying im lying but im not so ye’
‘youre making it sound like its all my fault’
‘omg ffs are you kidding me right now’ “no im obviously not i wouldnt do this for fun” ‘ well
thanks for making me feel like shit like you always do so it seems like you have never believed me
so why try now’ (i have never tried to make her feel like shit if i have its her own problem of jealousy or something. i used to believe her. im not trying to now im doing the exact opposite)
‘ive never lied to you i cant believe you think that’

i didnt bring up the cancer and adoption things because that came from lily and her mum which isnt really something i should know
i kinda wish i could have been a fly on the wall through that
i know how hard it is to get out of a lie and come clean about it but it would have been great to see her exact thought process through the whole thing and when she realised it was over and does she really think she doesnt need help? why did she start in the first place how did it get so out of hand

lily is gonna come talk to miriam tomorrow

i asked her to tell me if im wrong
she hasnt said shit

there should be a lot to say but i dont want to bother

lets go backwards (it failed chronologicality has gone out the window)
did the last bit of notes i could manage for the bio internal ive got tomorrow
jake from rebeccas work is staying here tonight and maybe tomorrow i dont know
its shit
gave ray the things for the zines
need to publish more stuff on ink
(tried and failed cos i got sidetracked with talking to people on facebook and writing my bio into my blog)
need to figure out how to fix the issue that catherine and i had with her blog posts earlier today
didnt really get much from the writing session at the workshop today but did some performance stuff with the microphone stand and how to move it and be cool about it
sunday is seeming like a greater possibility and its gonna hopefully be good
also going to see lily tomorrow
the bunny was at school today
loghanns bunny the one that peed on me and looks like its just run through a pile of cocaine flour
i got to hug him too
went to find duncan to have a talk about going back for year 14
just missed him and yeah it was awkward but he hasnt told me i cant and yeah basically said yes to it as long as i keep my shit together
talked to becca and have basically forced her into going to see miriam with me at some point and yeah hope that goes as planned
she had a meeting this morning and she says she now has this plan of being a student still but doing all of her work at home and then coming in on a wednesday to show what she’s been up to
i dunno
like it sounds reasonable but i still dont know if i can believe it
jack and i talked a little about the peer mentoring thing that braedon is doing
and seeing as im probably going back next year i can do it

oh my dick is fallen off (Tnanslation: fucking hell everything we thought we knew but still didn’t really believe)

a josh phrase perfectly describes whats going on right now
(just realised that today is the first day since we met that charles and i haven’t talked on facebook)
I’ve finally been able to follow brice on instagram seeing as becca said he found me on it
I’ve found his before and didn’t follow it because i was on private and didn’t want to intrude cos she’s said a few times over the past year that she’s been dating him on and off and also that she’s been staying with him for the last week because she’s trying to hide from his dad who she says has raped her and got her pregnant twice and that the first time she said she got pregnant was i think with brice or maybe he was the knight in shining armour who said that he would help look after her while she went to term and
(i just though about what the hell she could have said to the boys about brice)
i think actually he might have been the ‘father’ and had wanted to keep the baby i don’t know it started a long while ago
i followed him and he accepted the request and i scrolled through all his posts trying to find the photo she sent me the other day when she asked what i thought of him and i asked why
at this point i was thinking that this must be the guy she told loghann about at formal who she had gotten with two days before that and wasn’t going to tell me about it and she still hasn’t mentioned that she’s ‘dating’ him but she had sent the photo and also ‘he’ followed me on instagram
so i was just trying to figure out if this was the guy and it seems like its also the guy she’s been talking about for the last year
so i found the photo which becca had supposedly taken
also found lots of photos of becca that she had at whatever times told me that he had taken of her
there was photos of couples and it was definitely him but the girl wasn’t her
like really wasn’t and the way the captions had been written was definitely saying it was her
there was a photo with another girl where the caption said sis but it was the same girl he was kissing in the other photos
so the search began
facebook searched him but nothing came up
this was when i was still assuming he was either kiwi or aussie cos thats what becca had told me
then everything from there was standard google
his name with motocross came up with some older guy called chad but had the same last name
went with maybe it was photos of this guy when he was younger but nope
also him bike number was different
so searched him name and bike number hoping he was good enough to have something come up quick which it didn’t
noticed that there was a competition photo from in texas so looked up combinations of his name and bike number and texas and motocross and then searched the website that was on the banner in the background which came up with nothing
tried with kiwi motocross cos i was like how would she know about some dude in texas maybe he travelled?
then it was the combination of ‘texas motocross brice reed 561’ that finally got me somewhere
a tracksideonline page that was race results or something there wasn’t a photo but it got me an area in texas so copied and pasted the name and location to google
ended up with a profile on hookit (no idea what it is really) and there were photos and linked to his instagram where yeah i found the real Brice Reed 22, Texas
the photos of the girl were from years ago
becca follows him
if he isn’t real (in the sense that he’s not who she said he was as in they’ve never met) then he never got her pregnant she never stayed at her place or offered to move to new zealand to be with her or carried her around when her knee was fucked or took photos of her sleeping
his father also isn’t real so there was no way he could kidnap her and rape her and get her pregnant two times and you can’t put a restraining order on him when you have never had any kind of contact with him
she hasn’t been staying with him he never took her on that shopping trip last year
she had been lying to me for a year
lying to my face
alena loghann lily and jess all know about this now because i was just messing around with it going oh i can see this boys instagram now wonder what he looks like and i just knew it was a lie
THE BOYS FUCKING FOLLOW HIM (oh god what has she told them she says charles knows everything has she told him the same stuff about her being ‘pregnant’ and the rape and getting drugged and beaten)
in the end i felt really shit about it
like still do
like if there is something wrong enough in her head that she feels like she has to create this YEAR LONG ENDEAVOUR with all its twists and turns and all the lies upon lies upon lies
(does her dad really have cancer? she hasn’t mentioned it since that first couple of days)
(she told me she broke her finger two days ago but didn’t mention it at all today)
(she won’t admit that she always has an injury: her knee over and over again, her shoulder, wrists, bruises that I’ve never seen, ankles, concussion, trips to hospital but never taking time off school, broken toes, broken ribs (apparently from charles hugging her too hard or restraining her when she was going to have a go at paul at course), broken finger (oh year thats right she was beaten and what else was there…. oh right she told me SHE WAS STABBED FUCKING STABBED IN THE GUT BUY THE GUY THAT TRIED TO RAPE HER she told me she was stabbed)
she’s had at least three friends die or get seriously injured in car accidents
and i don’t know if i can believe that anymore
i also don’t want to just blow whatever world she has constructed for herself out of the water if its her coping mechanism then ok its not healthy or sound but i don’t want to take that away from her
i don’t know what to do
i told rebecca a little about it and she offered to take me to school and tell miriam all about it with me and yeah turns out miriam won’t be there tomorrow so I’ve booked for wednesday morning
i don’t know how i can deal with a whole day tomorrow knowing all this shit
like we kinda figured that it was a lie about the rape and pregnancies but like for so much to be a lie
for him to not only be not a person but to have made an instagram taking photos and replying to herself in the comments
its even a private thing so its not even like people can see it and go oh wow she’s got a boy
and what foot do you have to stand on with me and charles not outright mentioning to you that we hung out when you’ve lied to us about such huge things
i need to talk to him and see him again
but i can’t till next weekend i guess

when i said shit was kicking off before… (I’m a sucker for punishment)

it was nothing compared to what happened today
lily was at school again so i didn’t do any of my art today and instead hung out with her
talking about everything and then it got to the point of she was going to message becca about why the fuck is she being such a bitch about me and charles
there isn’t even a me and charles so most of this is all pointless
i dunno it just feels like a load of crap now
becca was pissed lily was pissed we (alena loghann and i) all knew what was going on cos alena added her to the group chat
(i message him when he’s offline and want to check every five seconds if he’s online and replying yet and i feel like shit for it I’m switching between screens even though i dong even have a facebook tab open anywhere)
so everything really went down after i got home from work but ill say the shit about bio before getting to that
talked to brent in the morning saying i have basically nothing for the internal that we were supposed to be starting today and i was trying to pull out of it but then its ended up that I’m going to sit it in a week and a half
i really don’t know what I’m doing with it
kinda should have sat in in green when the others were going over all their things for it but lily was there and we were hanging out with alena too
so it was deafeningly quiet
like a painful quiet like there were sounds and whatever but it was shit and it was suffocating but then i started getting into what i was doing and i found exemplars from past assessments for them (which were all about fish which was annoying but it would have been worse if they were all about insects cos we aren’t looking at them at all) and looked at the internals book
theres really not enough about the gas exchange systems of mud crabs anywhere in the anything i can find
I’ve got most of what i can with them just need to figure out a better way of explaining countercurrent flow and then move on to cheetahs
saw billy on the bus today for the first time in almost two weeks and he was snapchatting this other kid and he was smiling and it was so cute
so work was whatever and then home to all the drama
for some reason jacob had poked me on facebook and i realised i hadn’t poked jarrod back from two years ago and so i did and then he messaged me while i was in a furious three bubble chat series trying to send screenshots and mediate and gossip all at the same time so it wasn’t exactly the best moment for him to message me because i opened it as soon as it came up because i was trying to reply to lily and then ended up giving him the most abbreviated version of what was happening
his advice was to fuck off becca and get the guy to go on an actual date with me
which isn’t going to happen but he was really surprised that id already asked him to hang out and told him my feelings
while this was going on i was leading becca to believe lily wasn’t telling me what she was saying to becca and talking to lily about what she was saying to becca
so i knew she started it but i have no control over what she says and yes i was interested in what the response was because it was about me and my feelings and one of my best friends and so becca had also sent me screenshots after blocking lily about what lily had said and then sam was also getting involved and they called lily
like actually called her and i don’t know why they do this like apparently they did this to charles too and sam has a go at people from beccas phone and also without telling them it her talking not becca which I’ve done when I’ve been making jokes but not having a go at people you do that from your own name
becca might not trust me
haven’t really talked to charles and lily can’t meet him till the weekend after next
her and alena stalked his instagram and were both judging the same photos at the same time and having so much fun with it
they’ve gotten over the whole being happy I’m into a guy that isn’t brodie and in the times they aren’t pissed at becca for being manipulative they’re starting to give me shit about him
it was nice what jarrod said though
i did kinda miss him but i guess it was only the attention

Shits kicking off

so becca and i are having a go
its been building up to this for a few days
but now its all gone to shit
at the moment I’m somewhere between an asshole and a hardcore life coach
so i started about joking about fucking (i almost typed brodie I’m actually going to kill myself) charles and then she didn’t take it well cos i went from saying i was kidding to like but what if I’m not and back and forth
she said she’d kill me
then she told me she was done with peoples games and lying and backstabbing keeping shit from her whatever
she said something was wrong implied it was with me and i asked her to tell me she refused i said she couldn’t back out she said she did i said keep running then your shit will still follow you
and i told he she needs help
and then i really fucked her off by saying maybe you think if youre more fucked up people will find you more interesting
she did not like that at all
thought i was accusing her which i kinda was but like i also feel like that and i told her and then she decided to tell me she was pregnant
i dunno we’re now good again so like i don’t even know what that was but i made sure not to say anything that was an outright diss so she can’t say shit to me about it
but we’re good
went to school looked through art books that i don’t care about
did some painting
not sure where its all going
went home
there was a big fuck off truck in the driveway when i got home and then guys to to the asphalt
so theres a catherine who kept saying ‘three hot girls in a bed come get it’ i the group chat
I JUST CALLED THE BOY KIDDO I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS WHOLE FLIRTING THING honestly though its not like he would know flirting if it literally grabbed his balls so like who cares
i made a beautiful dick joke got jealous and protective over the boy and yeah
i think its time to drown in youtube

Last day of being 17

i think i should say some things about turning 18
maybe write a poem about it
but i have other shit to say first before i get too sentimental
and as usual a bit heavy on the mental side
i also think i might message some certain people stuff i think is kinda important
but ill get to that
basically i woke up and then ended up in a rush because rebecca and i were going to lunch with dad
while i was in the shower i was thinking that its my first birthday without grandma and grand-dad and that I’m turning 18 and i miss them and i never really mourned either of them and theres so much grand-dad hasn’t seen of my life and there will be so much to come that the won’t be there for and so i asked mum if we can go to the crematorium tomorrow
wrote something for the boy
then went to lunch at denny’s the place of gods and had nachos as usual and talked a bit but dad and rebecca did a lot of the talking about driving and stuff but when i did make comments on stuff i felt more like myself and i didn’t feel weird about it except for feeling weird about how it didn’t feel weird
wrote something for the wife
then at home i didn’t really do much but sit on youtube and think about stuff
i painted my nails and
im an idiot
did the workout and stretched a pathetically little amount
and I’m almost finished all my dreads and i think i might make it to forty
in before i don’t have enough dreads to finish all my hair
i might be able to steal some of the purple ones from my other set if that happens and if i can find some thin ones
and one for jarrod
i feel like it could be considered leading him on? but i don’t think he’s in an emotional state to be lead so does it matter?
i don’t really know if i have anyone else to say anything to

i think what I’m saying in the things to these people is basically all i need to say to go I’m done with being seventeen and i can be a little bit different and a little bit better starting from tomorrow
and i know some things will still stay the same like how I’m not going to be confident doing some things on my own or with my art and my writing for school stuff but i can’t just change everything overnight

I’m grateful for everything that has happened and how its impacted me as a person and who i am now and what i want to do with my life because of it and I’m even more grateful that after everything we’re friends again and i care about you a hell of a lot more than i do for the majority of other people in the world and i hope you have hope for your future and manage to do whatever it is you end up wanting to achieve.. love you man :3

wife wife wife wife wife i love you a hell of a lot and I’m proud of you for everything you’ve done so far and can’t wait to see everything else you do with your life because its going to be amazing because youre amazing and ill be here for you whenever you need me and i hope we can still manage to see each other even though I’m crap at making plans and then actually doing them but i swear next weekend if youre free we’ll do something

heyyyyyyy so i know we don’t always have much to talk about and sometimes conversations just end out of nowhere but I’m really grateful that after everything we can still talk and i can almost promise that oneway ill fly over and something will happen because we need to be weird in person at least once in our lives and I’m glad that i made an account on that stupid site and then messaged you back x

I’m getting old and when you get to my age things that used to mean a whole load and were so important get put into perspective a little bit

tomorrow i’ll be eighteen