the most bipolar

so it started off shit like the whole i hate myself and everything else thing as soon as i get up
as in i dont want to be here
and then i get to school and im like ok right so gonna start making a big thing and then actually holly comes in and we need to have a chat about how things are going with my art and to make sure im not taking advantage of the course because im making things but mot putting myself out there because im scared of failure and then she’s not going to pressure me about not making big garden sculptures because im not connecting with them but apparently im really good at making things technically and its just the aesthetic on the larger things that isnt coming across right and there was a point where i was starting to tear up and i was just thinking im not going to have that whole thing again in the back room like last time when holly was telling my that brodie was abusing me and it was just a combination of that and whats going on at home at the moment and just not feeling in a good place all over the place and it just not being ok at all
and then it went on for a bit and holly said there was a moment there where you were almost crying and i said i know you cant say that cos then im actually going to cry and then loghanns going to cry
and so i started crying and then loghann teared up and came over and i couldnt hug her because i had clay all over my hands and it wasnt ok
so after all that with holly saying she was needing me to either sell or get rid of the big thing she then said she was going to fire it and keep it in her garden and every time she looked at it it would be a reminder of that moment
and now i need to focus on making smaller things and making them good and making them to sell and putting my stuff out there
we went to the office later on and put out the pedestals either side of the drinking fountain which was blocked and holly put a fake plant in
so im going to put me things on there tomorrow and im going to get loghann to put her things on the wall behind it
and also have something along the lines of please leave some feedback on what you think of the things if you would be interested if there were similar things available to purchase and drop a follow on ig right?
and i was still in a mostly shit mood when i went to catch the bus
but then it all changed
i mean i dont like people especially the fucking kirkwood kids who are way too just something for me to be ok with them sitting reasonably close to me
it might have something to do witht he fact that they yell down the bus to their friends who sometimes they dont seem to be friends with and they always move around seats or dont sit down when theres empty seats for them and mess around on their phones taking photos or videos and its just too much
but then theres these two guys right
and ya know theyre just guys pretty average pretty normal…. if you would consider still being on pokemon go in 2018 and whipping out a nintendo on the bus normal
which honestly considering loghann and i and soon rose will be having epic mario kart grand pricks at school its not so bad having a ds these days and like not fault to them for still being into that app like who cares i know how i felt about fireboy and watergirl so yeah not the end of the world
and particularly one who is interesting for no apparent reason
it was just that it had been weeks and then they were there same as always
also the other thing that helped make up for the shity mornign that i had was the package arrived
the one from 3blackdots
and it was in a box
like ok but what kind of hoodie comes in a box
but then it was so cool and so awesome and there was the suspense and then it was just sitting there
mum doesnt get it
mum doesnt get anythign about me


I got touched by a crab

so i dont like getting up early when i havent had a reasonable lenght of sleeping
does that even make sense?
i kinda also didnt
i dont even know where that sentence was going
mum made a comment about me playing the old rocknroll cds that she didnt mind the music but was surprised that id picked it
bus went fine except for the fact that i got a can lift from the dairy and the bus came before i could finish it
then met up with Loghann and it was great
went to H&M where i bumped into Sarah and we decided we’re gonna need to catch up soon and then ended up in the mens section and got suspenders
then found the cookie place which was good then went to the Alena beach
i took my shoes of cos they hurt my toes but then the hot sand hurt them loads more and also all the prickles in the grass and then the beach the beach the beach
went in to underboob level and was more damp that i had anticipated
like actually this morning i was going to wear togs but i was like nah i aint going in or at least i wont go in deep enough to fuck with my clothes
who was wrong?
fully soaked
at one point Loghann got nabbed by somethign and then later i got fucked on by a crab
how do i know it was a crab?
well something that hurt snapped onto my foot and then i bought my foot up and a crab was just floating away
i dont give a fuck if you have a complex and unique to your species respiratory system with your articulating plates internal gill cavities and scaphognathite it is still rude to snap at peoples toes
then we left because i was bleeding
we were kinda screwed though because all our clothes were wet
i managed to survive because i had a plastic bag and buttoned up my shirt i had been wearing open and tucked it into my skirt
my feet were really really sore by this point
(something in here about getting changed and stripping basically down to my underwear in the middle of a rugby field)
theres something about loghann that makes it easier for me to do things that i wouldnt usually do like at the graduation i wouldnt have gone and danced but loghann went so i was ok with it and then the sea loghann went so i was ok with it
then we went back in to town where i realised i had huge blisters on the bottoms of my feet
then got a butter chicken pie at muffin break in the exchange then went home
going to work dishes tomorrow
brodie isnt free on the 8th
jarrod is getting annoyingly excited about the fact we might actually be meeting up in person
i dunno its a weird thought
kinda considering asking loghann if she wants to come with and i was also for a little bit thinking about asking noah but like nah i dont think i could do that
i think i have a bite on my elbow

SECRET kinda SANTA (and last game of SVH)

so we were all pretty excited for the whole secret santa thing at lunch and i honetly dont really remmebr what happened before that
theres really not much to mention till like almost 1pm when we were all together and we finally opened everything mine i knew as soon as i looked in it who it was from and what really gave it away was the punnet of strawberries with a picture of a fejoa drawn on it
what the hell did Mario do to match Loghann and i with eachother for the secret santa
along with that was pineapple lumps a can of lift and a notebook saying ‘why I like sloths more than people’
when loghann opened hers i was really just waiting till she opened the second part which was the cards cos id wrapped them and then put the necklace box on top and then wrapped over that cos i didnt want her to be able to see the cards straight away
we both figured out that we were eachothers secret santa and everyone else wasnt so obvious
so she liked the necklace but only after i talked to her about it did she realise it was a trash rose and that id made all the roses
im kinda pissed that i didnt take any photos of it
when we realised we had eachother we kept laughing and it was realy weird cos everyone else was looking at us like we were mad which i guess isnt so far from normal but it was like why are they having such a big reaction to an anonymous gift? but it wasn’t really
and then she opened the cards and then things got really terrible and awesome
alena saw them and asked if id taken the actual cards from the game
it took a second for her to realise they were personalised and then she read them and was laughing and crying and i was laughing and crying and we were a mess and everyone kinda got by that point that we had eachother and i went over and hugged her and she kept reading them and then gave them to alena to read then we had a game with just the custom cards and JESS EVEN PLAYED
which turned out actually sucked because she ended up winning
she comes back and plays with the original rules for the first time in months and she wins how is that fair
we made jokes about board flipping then table flipping then school flipping and even to the point of flipping ourselves if she won
then there was a group photo which after like a million years i changed my cover photo
and while i was at work i was brainstorming the cards and the item cards and rooms/places for a completely custom game the “Sweet Valley High – Unlimited 2017 Custom Edition”
my project over study leave and holidays along with getting fitter
my quads still hurt from sunday but its mostly my right at the moment
queenstown on friday
meeting tomorrow


and why are all my post titles in capitals and also why after like three years or something am i still bad at titles?
that was a lot of questions
so i woke up early and wasn’t even mad about it
didn’t have to bus there because mum dropped me off (did home thought but thats an entirely different story that ill get to later)
the people were there as soon as i was with was fine
george was really late thought like an hour
and so i met beccas twin and charles for the first time
and he had a black eye
and the first thing i said to him was you were mean to me on the internet
which was weird
i don’t really know what to say about all the other stuff but they were all really great
we found melissa a bit after i got there
went to the warehouse and that was ok except they specifically charles were being disruptive to my very sensitive everyone is judging me and the people I’m around mentality
melissa was all over him and he let her which still confuses me
so we talked and whatever hung out sat around had no personal space i need to remember the present for becca tomorrow
the earrings
from australia
as in i need to find them now in the drawer that i can never really find things in in the dark
great plan hannah
anyway i think charles is a very tactile person
does that mean what i mean it to mean?
i know what i mean though
i feel kinda sick
hes cute not exactly as looks but as a person
so theres not really much specifically to mention until the last bit in pacnsave where he kinda hugged/held/somethinged me and it was weird and i said something like i almost licked him and then he said something else and i said maybe later
then he tazed me when we were walking and because i really wasn’t expecting it i actually yelped and kinda screamed a little which was really embarrassing
that was the weirdest weird it got but the other stuff was weird but not strange weird or weird weird just not like me weird
like i don’t know how to hit on guys and i don’t know how to make a move and i guess i kinda did some things but like i dunno
i think I’m getting week before period cramps or I’ve just eaten weird today
im aso getting pretty tired cos its actually taken me ages to write this
so lets get to the part i want to talk about
the other girls left and caught the bus together
the twin hugged him and george before she left which was the first time he had been hugged like that
george left and did george things
and that left charles and i trying to figure out who was busing where and how and all that
i didn’t want to cross the road not at the crossing place and he joked about holding my hand and then did while we crossed the road
it was weird but not bad and he kept telling me i had soft hands
after a decision he went with me on the orbiter to riccarton as in past school which i then had to bus back to and yeah it was good we didn’t run out of things to talk about and he was funny and it was cool
and then he poked me and i had a weird twitch and smashed my wrist on the back of the seat in front of me and he was in hysterics and it was cute
and then i was scared he was gonna do it again so i put my hands over his to stop him and then we ended up holding hands but it was right in right so it was kinda weird and i don’t know why i was so ok with it but it felt right and not weird but it as weird because it wasn’t weird
on like the first day i met him and lonely little me is basically planning our marriage for next month
not really but like i go way too much into what is really nothing cos as i said i only met him today and even though we spent like 6 hours together its not very long
so he came to riccarton with me and it as good and we kinda held hands again and he was being cute and awkward but also really funny and conversation was easy and i was having a good time
and then the bus came and he had to go
when he left he hugged me like he wanted to be there
as in like the second time he’d properly hugged a girl but like shiiiiiiit man all i can compare it to is how hugs from brodie have been lately like the minimum length while still being considered a hug but charles actually did the proper hug thing and it was great and i was happy except for the fact he was leaving
and that is that
i don’t know what will happen and i don’t know if anything will even happen but we kinda all want to hang out again and it has the potential for greatness
but i don’t actually think i can tell becca about it
i did tell lily though

i dunno it went i guess

my art is going in a strange place and becoming a kind of political commentary by someone who doesn’t know much and is also mocking it a little
which might not be that great
kinda need to bring Otis in soon
brodie wasn’t there
becca said george likes her
i need to stop buying food and drink
i can’t quite say I’m going to because I’m not making that promise yet
today was the shortest day of the year
winter solstice as in yule
i started off losing
i kept turning over jessicas cards and jess wasn’t playing
i also got two detentions
basically i was getting fisted for most of the game
until the end where i got some pretty choice trade place squares and a change boyfriends then killed it with like 3 minutes to spare before class
efs was crap i don’t know what we’re doing

scared for my not exactly life but momentary wellbeing

im glad day five was a rest day
im not sure if it was a coincidence or not
english was meh
brodie sat next to me again he smelled like smoke and it hurt my head
but what was the point in saying anything
i tried even more to write the essay but it still wasn’t working
then break where i saw loghann after a basically same as usual community meeting
then went to the cafe stayed there with becca a while then remembered that loghann was in yellow class now so went back to that and did some work and we laughed about things that i can’t really remember but it was great
then lunch we played sweet valley high which because of the company fucking hilarious
and then monopoly
which is where shit started getting bad
there was also some jokes made with me loghann and her boyfriend having a threesome
and then we said we loved each other
and then they mentioned it to alena’s boy hamish and we (well me and loghann) ended up talking to him saying some pretty weird shit and he was i think still thinking it was alena
but it was along the lined of threesomes and he assumed it was two guys and said it was only gay if the balls touched (Lila said we didn’t have balls and i said not yet we don’t you know the usual reply) then Lila told me to reply and i said something like i don’t want to be involved in this i don’t want to take part in it i only want to spectate
and then she told him i said that and it turned into me mentioning Eiffel towering and him not getting it but making a dick joke and i said something about going sight seeing to the leaning tower of pizza too
it was a wild ride
and then there was the whole fucking speed monopoly which stressed me out
i went into jail on my second turn Lila had a secret stash of money in her laptop but i cleaned it out with my four railways which i didn’t have till we traded marylebone plus $150 for bond or oxford
then i just smashed it
but the thing was it was really stressful and i had no idea what was happening most of the time i was shaking and overheated and i was trying to buy a property by the time three more turns had already been taken and i felt like we were all cheating because i couldn’t keep track of what was going on
i won by default of ho had the most money when we had to pack up and go to class
but i was ill and lightheaded and really just off
so i told brent i had to go buy food and then EFS was just weird and i didn’t like it and we’re going to have to write another report for the thing thats taking us eight weeks to do
BUT when we were voting for what we were going to do and to mark on the board which one we wanted to do and i put smiley faces up for sophie holly and i and then everyone else started dong it
i think brent is annoyed at me
half cos i don’t do work and half because I’m disruptive and do stuff like that
good thing for him then that loghann isn’t in bio anymore 😦 but not a good thing for me
thats it for school but there was a culture puzzle at work and no i have it and i finished it and its cool and i like it

the world is falling apart but i have a trash rose

i should start from the beginning but things only really got interesting about lunch time
so nothing really in mentoring
then there was blue art where we talked about stuff and didn’t do work really
then loghann and i went to the supermarket
while walking past the dumpster we saw some flowers that had been put in that still looked pretty decent and i picked out a rose and then the whole bunch and loghann picked out a couple too and then a dude picking up trash much have put them back in cos by the time we got back there was only my single rose left lying on the ground
i stuck it behind my ear and left it there till i went home
then we played a game of sweet valley high which i basically won’t they wanted to end it so we could play cards
yellow block jess and i kinda tried to do stuff but then we just played cards
left and then oh holy miracle
dan let me on in front of him on the bus and i hadn’t even realised he was there
a watched pot never boils eh?
then he asked me something to do with brodie and school and essays and english class then i said something about brodie being a dick and then about poems then about ben and the buzzard
and he kept laughing and it was adorable and i now get why people are like oh my god people are so attractive when they’re talking about their passions
and then he told me about the comics
which are according to him shit but i think the do have some twisted kind of humour in them
so we messaged a couple of times on facebook and thats pretty much it
opened the door to some more on the bus conversations but yeah
had fish and chips and a Dr Pepper
told jess all about it
to the youtube
and i would skype jarrod but no he’s not online for once in his life

the edge the month the meme

most of the time on faultline nights i forget that i had the day at school before them
so i think i was more social today than I’ve been in a while
i certainly felt more up with the kids in the social media department to be sure
so went to school later
got there just in time for class
had critique
thought it didn’t really have a point
went to the supermarket with loghann alena jess and mostly sophie
then came back and played sweet valley high
there is a rodent in my roof
i did not win but winston is my man now and always until he dies from falling off a balcony “…after a night of drunken debauchery,” so ill spend as much time with him as i can (whats this? another integrated quote? you see this richard? with an ellipsis too don’t think i haven’t learnt anything from your class)
and then yellow which was fine i guess
then i got home and worked on a poem
skyped jarrod and then picked up peaches skyped jarrod changed my pants got ready stopped skyping jarrod went to faultline
cameron was there which was actually really awkward but in the intermission he said it was better than he expected it would be and then left to meet a girl
sat with ben and his mate josh (don’t go there do not do not do not)(too late matt’s cats last name) and it was a barrel of laughs like actually really really great
many memes many laughs many relatable comments
i was third
josh was fourth
and ben was fifth
the rest is like whatever
need to remember that Rangi is the girl who did the really long journal entry thing at the end of i think two faultlines ago maybe last year though??
ben said we should make a podcast
and write a poem about when we were standing outside waiting for our mothers
so on the was home and at home i wrote it
and it sounds way more deep and meaningful than all the jokes we created in those 20 minutes and i love it and can’t wait to perform it next month
so the whole being weirdly active on all the social medias and getting hip with the kids was i followed ben on his new account on instagram and posted twice
and added him on twitter
and sent him the photo of the dark stairs dude with all the edge
he sent me his photos (which were the ones i posted)
sent sophie the photo of the rainbow paddle pop
found the dude on facebook (and twitter)
changed my profile picture
poster on tumbler
and now here we are
i want to write a poem about more dude but like theres too much


it feels like theres a lot to write but really there might not be
went ok i suppose
english wasn’t great though because i didn’t take any notes
but helped kitty come up with a synonym for determination to cheat richard’s rule of not using the same theme as someone else had
then she had to rewrite her quiz question because id already used it which was kinda funny
had a 1-1 and then tried to find mike
but couldn’t so did some art instead
started some hand stuff and then one of the dude the dude the too nice dude and then THEN the bestest dude in my entire world
had a little bit of a conversation about watercolours with lucy the strange vintage girl
then went to louise’s homebase and it was pretty cool they (jess teresa and loghann) were playing the sweet valley high board game which is the 80s is thing cos thats when the books were out and i joined in for the second game where i was Enid and i lost my boyfriend to teresa and then she put him in the literacy classroom like hell yes my mans a poet but shit i lost him
but then i got him back but teresa had basically won anyway by the time mentoring was over
but theres cards that say at the end “Enid can roll the die and play out of turn,” but loghann (FUCK YOU RICHARD I CAN INCORPORATE QUOTES PROPERLY GO SUCK ONE) missed parts out and ended up just saying ‘die’ which was hilarious at the time and then we got to bio and kyle the creepy reliever dude who always wears sunglasses in all weather was doing our roll for us and we were saying how we have never seen his eyes and i was going to say maybe he rolled them so much they died but i was laughing too hard i couldn’t get the words out so i ended up typing them out and just laughing about it for too long
and then

Lily was there
my wife who i love so dearly and haven’t seen since late last year after like four months i finally saw her again
fuck id missed her
we walked and talked for a while and i was kinda ditching class for it but she was worth it and yeah it was great
went back to class eventually and then told loghann about the xyzzy cards agains humanity site and went on it
spectated a game under the name ‘logibear’ and some chic called ella asked if we were someone she knew
(some of the conversation is missing but yeah)

token: logan?
logibear: sup
t: maddies bf?
t: wtf
l: yeah
l: lol
t: coinkadink

t: you? hows the hsc?
(we had no idea what she was on about so just winged it)
l: its going pretty well at the moment
Boo (no idea who this was): how old are you now?
(how the fuck were we supposed to answer that? in my head i just had a clip of josh from his video with tobi so i said that)
l: old enough….. to partaaaaayyyy
t: hes 26

so that was a wild ride we probably just really confused some people but it was great

then went home went to work came home watched shield have one episode and the bonus features to watch dyed mums hair
can’t put holds on the dvd series
need to clean my piercings
faultline tomorrow and i need to finish a poem