i dunno it went i guess

my art is going in a strange place and becoming a kind of political commentary by someone who doesn’t know much and is also mocking it a little
which might not be that great
kinda need to bring Otis in soon
brodie wasn’t there
becca said george likes her
i need to stop buying food and drink
i can’t quite say I’m going to because I’m not making that promise yet
today was the shortest day of the year
winter solstice as in yule
I FINALLY WON A GAME OF SWEET VALLEY HIGH
i started off losing
i kept turning over jessicas cards and jess wasn’t playing
i also got two detentions
basically i was getting fisted for most of the game
until the end where i got some pretty choice trade place squares and a change boyfriends then killed it with like 3 minutes to spare before class
efs was crap i don’t know what we’re doing

i dont wanna talk about it

can we just say the meeting happened and leave it at that
beforehand everything was mostly ok
played hangman
went to the supermarket
i dunno what else to say i really don’t
brodie messaged me in the morning telling me to come tho the music room but didn’t reply why so i didn’t go
he didn’t even talk to me otherwise
I’m now being the tech goddess
rescued a dvd that was stuck inside the machine with a skewer and bluetack and have now hooked up the dvd drive and speaker to my laptop and I’m living
this is such a weird experience

LIPIDS PHOSPHOLIPIDS LIPID SOLUBLE MOLECULES

thats the word that i needed when i was trying to draw and label the plasma membrane diagram today but theres other things to talk about first like lots of things because i feel like I’m actually doing things with my life
nothing happened in english for a while till i asked richard if i could talk to him about a non class related thing which was politics
i told him that i was enrolled to vote and didn’t really know what to do about finding out more and he gave me the richard answer and the teacher answer
he doesn’t vote because he feels like he doesn’t know enough to make and educated decision about who he should vote for that would be best for what he agreed with and thought was important
then he said that the teacher answer would be to do loads of research and invest hours into it which neither of us are really prepared to do he also mentioned he kinda knew about on the fence which i told him that id done and he said that i was then probably more educated on politics than 90% of the country which i don’t agree with but he said if he could he would let me vote for him
then ana holly and i talked to him after class about the classroom² and we had a date then kitty talked to him about camp dates so then we couldn’t have it when we thought and we went and ferried the question to brent who came back with us
then in green we went to find liam and got him to create an email for us to use as our google classroom account
then talked to steven about wanting to run something at a staff meeting and he told us if we wanted to do just a campus meeting to talk to duncan
so we talked to duncan about it and it was kinda iffy but we’re penciled in for the 26th
we went back to the other richards homebase and created classroom² and made a couple of videos but we had background noise in it so ana is going to have to figure out how to mute it
then i got a text from mike and i went to go meet chloe who seems pretty cool and we’ve arranged for the three of us to have lunch on tuesday next week
went back and they’d found out which forms can be digitised and sent out the survey
then we discussed how we thought we would need to have extra time and not being sure about the whole we only have three weeks left of term so we said we would meet up again in mentoring to talk to brent about it
i went to the cafe with sophie h and we actually had a pretty good and not awkward chat and then back in her homebase it was kinda weird because her ashleigh and he other sophie were talking about when they first met and then ended up getting to talking to primary school in general and i managed to join in and it was really ok
like ok ok ok and I’m not used to that
he suggested that we do the meeting next monday even though its pretty close and I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE TO TALK TO THEM ANAD ASK IF WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME FOR IT
id really rather not be there but they need me?? apparently I’m really good at doing stuff which i don’t get
then there was bio where we did some stuff with DNA that i think I’m starting to kinda get a little better with and then we did a cantamaths style quiz and i was in a group with josh (jacobs brother who is pretty cool) xavier and ana and they didn’t really (as in ana cos josh was the runner and xavier didn’t do much??) think we were doing that well but i was pretty sure we were and as it turns out we won and chose to share a bag of fruit bursts
then i ended up missing my bus and then ended up sitting in the middle of the back next to fern who was in my usual seat and deans sister who was next to her and there was a young boy who was kinda taking up two seats cos him and his scooter were in the way of moving over so there was kinda a spare seat next to me but not really
then dan got on and ended up standing in the top aisle in front of me
like all i could see of the whole bus was a couple of seats either side of me and his ass
and BOTH THE WINDOWS WERE OPEN AND ME BEING IN THE VERY MIDDLE got both of then fucking up my hair the whole time and i was dying
when ella(?) got off dan ended up sitting next to me
that was all
literally all it was he didn’t even say hi or anything
i did see brooke though didn’t get to say hi but yeah smiled and shit
and then work which i was at all by my self and i think mr topham was hiding from the cleaning parents and students
then home and thats it
i feel lime I’m actually doing stuff and I’m not sure how i feel about it because i don’t really know whats going on and i don’t really feel like i have time to myself anymore but i don’t need any really because i internally and personally and emotionally don’t really have anything i need time for
i don’t have any problems and i don’t know how i feel about it

the world is falling apart but i have a trash rose

i should start from the beginning but things only really got interesting about lunch time
so nothing really in mentoring
then there was blue art where we talked about stuff and didn’t do work really
then loghann and i went to the supermarket
while walking past the dumpster we saw some flowers that had been put in that still looked pretty decent and i picked out a rose and then the whole bunch and loghann picked out a couple too and then a dude picking up trash much have put them back in cos by the time we got back there was only my single rose left lying on the ground
i stuck it behind my ear and left it there till i went home
then we played a game of sweet valley high which i basically won’t they wanted to end it so we could play cards
yellow block jess and i kinda tried to do stuff but then we just played cards
left and then oh holy miracle
dan let me on in front of him on the bus and i hadn’t even realised he was there
a watched pot never boils eh?
then he asked me something to do with brodie and school and essays and english class then i said something about brodie being a dick and then about poems then about ben and the buzzard
and he kept laughing and it was adorable and i now get why people are like oh my god people are so attractive when they’re talking about their passions
and then he told me about the comics
which are according to him shit but i think the do have some twisted kind of humour in them
so we messaged a couple of times on facebook and thats pretty much it
opened the door to some more on the bus conversations but yeah
had fish and chips and a Dr Pepper
told jess all about it
to the youtube
and i would skype jarrod but no he’s not online for once in his life

ok but seriously what?

morning was ok
english and children books
orange bio but not and had pbl
did art
sat in the back room with cleo and louena(?) and caitlin
and Jack
and we all talked about people and had a great bitch session and was pretty productive too in a way
then class was over and Jack and i stayed and talked about life things and how in schools some things are taught badly and need to be done different and how kids don’t realise things and support people need and it was really great
its probably the easiest first conversation I’ve ever had with someone
and i told him about the mentor thing that Mike and i are going to do
he was pretty keen
his girlfriend just doesn’t talk
and then it was blue block and i did some art but since id already been doing art for ages as in three hours i crashed and lay on the floor for a bit then went home early
went to work and it had a better vibe today
i don’t know if it was the puppy or Josh (lets not ever go there ever) and his step father
or that phil isn’t there
or it was just me
don’t know how though but yeah
but then at home I’ve crashed and now I’m skyping jarrod and needing to talk to him about important shit but i can’t bring myself to

I did a stupid

well not really a step just a big huge motherfucking different
i tidied my room
and i moved it around
and theres a huge space on the floor
and everything got dusted
except me because I can’t breathe properly and my bones are itching again
like seriously theres a huge space on my floor like a two and a half person sized space
as in someone could actually stay in my room and this is really fucking weird
i still can’t use my sleeping bag without thinking of specific times
also I’ve taken everything off my wall like actually everything
except the lights
but all the things off my door too both sides of it
the mural is gone the one with the brodie words
i do kinda need to feather dust the corner next to my pillow
and rewrite the stuff on my whiteboard now that i can see it all the time
its really annoying that the wifi is slow
i haven’t even been on youtube today
two more days though
its back on the 6th
i kind of want my window to get cleaned now
i even wrote a bot of a poem thats how weird things are
still haven’t talked to Jarrod again but if we leave it how we did then thats still ok because it was good and i cleared up what i felt bad about
the acoustics in my room have changed because all the furniture is in different places and theres not as much stuff on top of my things and my green wall is pretty much bare which is cool
there is the corner of shame though….
i need to take off the magnetic words on my whiteboard they’re messing up the vibe
theres like two things that aren’t in my room now because theres just no space to put them one is the weird cardboard thing that used to be under my window and then theres a box of stuff that will end up in the garage once I’ve emptied a box of stuff thats in there
i think I’ve got two crates in the garage and i think i will be able to get rid of one of them
I’ve been wearing my hat for a few hours and its really weird to be wearing it but now i can’t take it off because it would feel even weirder now not to have it on
i tried on mums wedding dress before and its a bit too big for me but it still mostly his and that was really weird
i didn’t like it but still it was her dress

on last years last year post

so this is how i ended the end of year post last year

“I want to say that I’ve learnt something from 2015 year, that theres some valuable lesson that I’ll take into this year and will make everything better but there isn’t really.
I guess if I’ve learnt anything it’s that no matter what you know, or think you know, when it comes down to it, theres only really so much your head can do to before your heart takes over and does whatever the fuck it likes even if it does mess your life up. Just pick up the pieces and make do with what’s left.”

i think i forgot that going though this year
or maybe i just felt it on a different level because i know i spent a lot more though on not trying to change things or that i can’t control things and it makes it seem like i was a hell of a lot smarter at the end of last year than i am at the end of this year and where did all that go
with everything thats happened this year with everything thats changed i have lost a lot and i don’t think i can see what I’ve gained from it
as you can see punctuation is one of the things I’ve lost
i don’t feel like i understand the world better or have learned life lessons it just that things have changed and i have changed and things will be different now

IT IS DONE!!!

turned out jess couldn’t come today which was sad but lily ended up buying her birthday present so there was an upside i guess
mike and i had a good talk today about how i was pretty sure the oxytocin connection had been broken and that i was feeling a lot better about all that stuff
i don’t think I’m going to go back and see him unless anything else happens
which I’m kinda hoping it won’t
but not outright saying i would avoid it if it did
its like 80%
i told holly about it and she was proud of me
met up with lily at the cafe and ended up going to get the piercing straight away
it was just a whole weird experience
like i didn’t really think about the whole piercing process until i was sitting there and the lady was taking all the things out of the sealed bags and shit
but in the end i love it even if its slightly crooked i don’t care that its not perfect it means something
after we walked around and then got food and sat on the balcony and talked and talked and talked about stuff that we probably shouldn’t have been saying with other people around but i really didn’t care
after a while we walked around a bit and then went back to the corner next to the trash and sat down on the floor and judged people for an hour making up things about their lives and it was pretty fucking great
a guy looked at us at one point and i said something along the lines of “he’s wondering why theres a piece of trash just sitting on the floor next to the bit and making the place look untidy” i made a few me being trash jokes but that was one of the better ones
i need to figure out what I’m doing for jess for her birthday
painting the earrings i think
when i was at the bus stop there was a really loud and intimidating homeless dude who was trying to talk to me but i managed to ignore him
i can’t close my door when i go to bed tonight and i might just end up sleeping on the couch because i just can’t deal with my door being open even slightly when I’m trying to sleep
fucking painters
i really want to say thank you to brodie for everything that ever happened and everything he’s done because i wouldn’t be me and i wouldn’t want to change any of it and i like our past
kinda trying to figure out if id still lose it with him given the opportunity… i guess it depends on the circumstances and how it comes about
he did say if we hadn’t fucked by the end of the holidays he’d be surprised
why am i thinking about that anyway?
theres kinda a lot of things i shouldn’t be thinking but who cares and who’s gonna stop me

over and over and over again

but now maybe its actually done
it feels more final than the time he actually said it was final which is weird maybe because theres a whole lot less emotions involved this time but seriously he can’t just say “my life would be more dull without you and i would do anything to keep you in my life” and then pretty much pretend i don’t exist a day later
everything smells like the stuff the painter dude put on the doorways to help wit the painting of them or whatever and we aren’t supposed to shut our doors but fuck that
half the time i can’t tell if theres earthquakes or I’m imagining things because my body isn’t working properly
I’ve gotten around to watching miss peregrines home for peculiar children and its ok i guess
saw one of my old kindy teachers at work today
when i went with rebecca to riccarton i got 8mm tunnels so my ears aren’t being pulled constantly and eyeliner that i swore id gotten from postie but now i remember that yeah it actually did come from kmart
theres really nothing else like i mean this morning becca messaged me and asked why brodie would’ve messaged her asking if her and i were on ok terms at the moment and i was like i don’t know what the fuck he’s doing we aren’t talking and then i realised it might’ve been because i told him i have no friends
which i don’t really he was the only person I’ve really talked to all holidays and now that he’s out i have pretty much nothing… i was going to say positive but thats not the right word but leaving it as i have pretty much nothing still works too

Shit

i guess i have to go over what happened last night then don’t i
somehow it turned into him trying to help me with my life and telling me that i had to relearn the world and me hating change is part of why I’m a mess and know that things will happen that i have no control over and everything will be ok in the end
like excuse me i didn’t ask for your help and this isn’t helping and you aren’t giving me a chance to say anything and you’re treating me the same way kirsty does and my mother and sometimes holly and especially my sister
you are telling me all of these things and how i need to change and whats wrong with what I’m doing and I’m not saying anything I’m thinking because i don’t want to come off sounding like a bitch because I’m getting defensive i don’t have word for word reasons why i feel how i do or why i can or can’t do certain things which is why i can’t defend myself without sounding like I’m in the wrong or like a child having a tantrum
with mental things especially you can’t help people you can’t try and get them to do what works for you it doesn’t work like that its like having different music taste than someone else but forcing them to try and dance to your favorite song it just sucks
i did write a bit (to myself seeing as i couldn’t say anything to him) about how my consciousness works with personal emotions in relation to the big world things and also a kind of line of a poem
so what i wrote….

i think because I’m so easily effected by other people I’m too busy living on the constant emotional level like the waves and shit that i don’t think about deep stuff unless I’m specifically asked about it and then its on the spot and i always end up trying to put these huge feelings i have about things into stupid inadequate words like these feelings are currents that you can’t see and if you try and look closely at them you can’t figure out much and this sound like a whole lot of me me me but I’m the only person that i can understand
the whole control thing yeah i know the majority of my life is controlled by other things and other people and i can’t do anything about it and i just accept it maybe that has something to do with me always being in the surface shit and not questioning the deep stuff because i trust enough in the fact it will be ok in the end to just deal with whats going on with the waves

then the whole podcast thing happened which gave me a bad feeling as soon as he started talking about it when i opened the link he sent me the titles of the things made me feel very off and like the third or fourth time i went on the page and actually tried to listen to one of the things there was a physical muscle spasming literally writhing reaction less than 30 seconds into it and i just couldn’t do it
i really didn’t want to seem like i was being a bitch about it and shitting on what was helping him but it just would not work for me at all and i don’t think i could’ve gotten that across in a nice way
and yeah i get the tea cup analogy that I’m already full and if you try add something else shit goes everywhere but its not entirely like that but he didn’t give me a chance to reply to that very well
i feel like this post is too long maybe i’ll make another one about some similar shit if we have a conversation like that again
anyway the big finale from that was he said something I’ve wanted to say for a long time but i knew if i did he would either have a go at me or be a total asshole about it and cut me off
I love you OK. As a human. Not like that. Idk if that sorta love even exists, just I love you in the sense of my life would be more dull without you and I would do anything to keep you in my life.
like dude first of all this kinda feels like the friend zone second why is it ok for you to say this shit when I’m not really ok but not ok in reverse
it felt like he was treating me like a child almost talking down to me but not quite i was watching youtube half the time to try balance myself and not have a go at him which i had no real reason to i couldn’t explain that id already felt with some of the stuff he’s said
ANYWAY
TODAY SUCKED
mum woke me up i was pissed at her all day had to go to work rebecca got home he and i have barely talked
everything is shit
i don’t want to be here