and why are all my post titles in capitals and also why after like three years or something am i still bad at titles?
that was a lot of questions
so i woke up early and wasn’t even mad about it
didn’t have to bus there because mum dropped me off (did home thought but thats an entirely different story that ill get to later)
the people were there as soon as i was with was fine
george was really late thought like an hour
and so i met beccas twin and charles for the first time
and he had a black eye
and the first thing i said to him was you were mean to me on the internet
which was weird
i don’t really know what to say about all the other stuff but they were all really great
we found melissa a bit after i got there
went to the warehouse and that was ok except they specifically charles were being disruptive to my very sensitive everyone is judging me and the people I’m around mentality
melissa was all over him and he let her which still confuses me
so we talked and whatever hung out sat around had no personal space i need to remember the present for becca tomorrow
the earrings
from australia
as in i need to find them now in the drawer that i can never really find things in in the dark
great plan hannah
anyway i think charles is a very tactile person
does that mean what i mean it to mean?
i know what i mean though
i feel kinda sick
hes cute not exactly as looks but as a person
so theres not really much specifically to mention until the last bit in pacnsave where he kinda hugged/held/somethinged me and it was weird and i said something like i almost licked him and then he said something else and i said maybe later
then he tazed me when we were walking and because i really wasn’t expecting it i actually yelped and kinda screamed a little which was really embarrassing
that was the weirdest weird it got but the other stuff was weird but not strange weird or weird weird just not like me weird
like i don’t know how to hit on guys and i don’t know how to make a move and i guess i kinda did some things but like i dunno
i think I’m getting week before period cramps or I’ve just eaten weird today
im aso getting pretty tired cos its actually taken me ages to write this
so lets get to the part i want to talk about
the other girls left and caught the bus together
the twin hugged him and george before she left which was the first time he had been hugged like that
george left and did george things
and that left charles and i trying to figure out who was busing where and how and all that
i didn’t want to cross the road not at the crossing place and he joked about holding my hand and then did while we crossed the road
it was weird but not bad and he kept telling me i had soft hands
after a decision he went with me on the orbiter to riccarton as in past school which i then had to bus back to and yeah it was good we didn’t run out of things to talk about and he was funny and it was cool
and then he poked me and i had a weird twitch and smashed my wrist on the back of the seat in front of me and he was in hysterics and it was cute
and then i was scared he was gonna do it again so i put my hands over his to stop him and then we ended up holding hands but it was right in right so it was kinda weird and i don’t know why i was so ok with it but it felt right and not weird but it as weird because it wasn’t weird
on like the first day i met him and lonely little me is basically planning our marriage for next month
not really but like i go way too much into what is really nothing cos as i said i only met him today and even though we spent like 6 hours together its not very long
so he came to riccarton with me and it as good and we kinda held hands again and he was being cute and awkward but also really funny and conversation was easy and i was having a good time
and then the bus came and he had to go
when he left he hugged me like he wanted to be there
as in like the second time he’d properly hugged a girl but like shiiiiiiit man all i can compare it to is how hugs from brodie have been lately like the minimum length while still being considered a hug but charles actually did the proper hug thing and it was great and i was happy except for the fact he was leaving
and that is that
i don’t know what will happen and i don’t know if anything will even happen but we kinda all want to hang out again and it has the potential for greatness
but i don’t actually think i can tell becca about it
i did tell lily though


so i said things to people that i needed to say and brodie and i actually had a decent conversation before i suggested we do something then he said bree wouldnt like us doing something alone and then i was kinda annoyed because even after everything and me for once not liking him and the fact he has a girlfriend we still need supervision to hang out
its fucked
had a good talk to lily too
then later on becca messaged me just past midnight and said happy birthday
even though it wasn’t official til 3:15 so a couple hours later but still no one knows that
year nine ten and eleven me is having a meltdown and i accidentally called him cute
he might become and army boy
need to get back on track
so woke up at an actually decent time
mum was just leaving i was up for a while before rebecca got up then mum and i went to the crematorium and a couple of supermarkets and the warehouse
then home for pikelets but i had real bad cramps set in and then i did the normal workout plus an extra abs one and it fixed it
this is the longest conversation I’ve had with him since he thought i was becca
talking about life and shit
did presents
had some great messages from people
like toby which was unexpected but cool
posted a couple photos of my actual day of birth on instagram
and now talking
its been a good day
except for the cramps
fucking period

Last day of being 17

i think i should say some things about turning 18
maybe write a poem about it
but i have other shit to say first before i get too sentimental
and as usual a bit heavy on the mental side
i also think i might message some certain people stuff i think is kinda important
but ill get to that
basically i woke up and then ended up in a rush because rebecca and i were going to lunch with dad
while i was in the shower i was thinking that its my first birthday without grandma and grand-dad and that I’m turning 18 and i miss them and i never really mourned either of them and theres so much grand-dad hasn’t seen of my life and there will be so much to come that the won’t be there for and so i asked mum if we can go to the crematorium tomorrow
wrote something for the boy
then went to lunch at denny’s the place of gods and had nachos as usual and talked a bit but dad and rebecca did a lot of the talking about driving and stuff but when i did make comments on stuff i felt more like myself and i didn’t feel weird about it except for feeling weird about how it didn’t feel weird
wrote something for the wife
then at home i didn’t really do much but sit on youtube and think about stuff
i painted my nails and
im an idiot
did the workout and stretched a pathetically little amount
and I’m almost finished all my dreads and i think i might make it to forty
in before i don’t have enough dreads to finish all my hair
i might be able to steal some of the purple ones from my other set if that happens and if i can find some thin ones
and one for jarrod
i feel like it could be considered leading him on? but i don’t think he’s in an emotional state to be lead so does it matter?
i don’t really know if i have anyone else to say anything to

i think what I’m saying in the things to these people is basically all i need to say to go I’m done with being seventeen and i can be a little bit different and a little bit better starting from tomorrow
and i know some things will still stay the same like how I’m not going to be confident doing some things on my own or with my art and my writing for school stuff but i can’t just change everything overnight

I’m grateful for everything that has happened and how its impacted me as a person and who i am now and what i want to do with my life because of it and I’m even more grateful that after everything we’re friends again and i care about you a hell of a lot more than i do for the majority of other people in the world and i hope you have hope for your future and manage to do whatever it is you end up wanting to achieve.. love you man :3

wife wife wife wife wife i love you a hell of a lot and I’m proud of you for everything you’ve done so far and can’t wait to see everything else you do with your life because its going to be amazing because youre amazing and ill be here for you whenever you need me and i hope we can still manage to see each other even though I’m crap at making plans and then actually doing them but i swear next weekend if youre free we’ll do something

heyyyyyyy so i know we don’t always have much to talk about and sometimes conversations just end out of nowhere but I’m really grateful that after everything we can still talk and i can almost promise that oneway ill fly over and something will happen because we need to be weird in person at least once in our lives and I’m glad that i made an account on that stupid site and then messaged you back x

I’m getting old and when you get to my age things that used to mean a whole load and were so important get put into perspective a little bit

tomorrow i’ll be eighteen

i dunno it went i guess

my art is going in a strange place and becoming a kind of political commentary by someone who doesn’t know much and is also mocking it a little
which might not be that great
kinda need to bring Otis in soon
brodie wasn’t there
becca said george likes her
i need to stop buying food and drink
i can’t quite say I’m going to because I’m not making that promise yet
today was the shortest day of the year
winter solstice as in yule
i started off losing
i kept turning over jessicas cards and jess wasn’t playing
i also got two detentions
basically i was getting fisted for most of the game
until the end where i got some pretty choice trade place squares and a change boyfriends then killed it with like 3 minutes to spare before class
efs was crap i don’t know what we’re doing

i dont wanna talk about it

can we just say the meeting happened and leave it at that
beforehand everything was mostly ok
played hangman
went to the supermarket
i dunno what else to say i really don’t
brodie messaged me in the morning telling me to come tho the music room but didn’t reply why so i didn’t go
he didn’t even talk to me otherwise
I’m now being the tech goddess
rescued a dvd that was stuck inside the machine with a skewer and bluetack and have now hooked up the dvd drive and speaker to my laptop and I’m living
this is such a weird experience


thats the word that i needed when i was trying to draw and label the plasma membrane diagram today but theres other things to talk about first like lots of things because i feel like I’m actually doing things with my life
nothing happened in english for a while till i asked richard if i could talk to him about a non class related thing which was politics
i told him that i was enrolled to vote and didn’t really know what to do about finding out more and he gave me the richard answer and the teacher answer
he doesn’t vote because he feels like he doesn’t know enough to make and educated decision about who he should vote for that would be best for what he agreed with and thought was important
then he said that the teacher answer would be to do loads of research and invest hours into it which neither of us are really prepared to do he also mentioned he kinda knew about on the fence which i told him that id done and he said that i was then probably more educated on politics than 90% of the country which i don’t agree with but he said if he could he would let me vote for him
then ana holly and i talked to him after class about the classroom² and we had a date then kitty talked to him about camp dates so then we couldn’t have it when we thought and we went and ferried the question to brent who came back with us
then in green we went to find liam and got him to create an email for us to use as our google classroom account
then talked to steven about wanting to run something at a staff meeting and he told us if we wanted to do just a campus meeting to talk to duncan
so we talked to duncan about it and it was kinda iffy but we’re penciled in for the 26th
we went back to the other richards homebase and created classroom² and made a couple of videos but we had background noise in it so ana is going to have to figure out how to mute it
then i got a text from mike and i went to go meet chloe who seems pretty cool and we’ve arranged for the three of us to have lunch on tuesday next week
went back and they’d found out which forms can be digitised and sent out the survey
then we discussed how we thought we would need to have extra time and not being sure about the whole we only have three weeks left of term so we said we would meet up again in mentoring to talk to brent about it
i went to the cafe with sophie h and we actually had a pretty good and not awkward chat and then back in her homebase it was kinda weird because her ashleigh and he other sophie were talking about when they first met and then ended up getting to talking to primary school in general and i managed to join in and it was really ok
like ok ok ok and I’m not used to that
he suggested that we do the meeting next monday even though its pretty close and I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE TO TALK TO THEM ANAD ASK IF WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME FOR IT
id really rather not be there but they need me?? apparently I’m really good at doing stuff which i don’t get
then there was bio where we did some stuff with DNA that i think I’m starting to kinda get a little better with and then we did a cantamaths style quiz and i was in a group with josh (jacobs brother who is pretty cool) xavier and ana and they didn’t really (as in ana cos josh was the runner and xavier didn’t do much??) think we were doing that well but i was pretty sure we were and as it turns out we won and chose to share a bag of fruit bursts
then i ended up missing my bus and then ended up sitting in the middle of the back next to fern who was in my usual seat and deans sister who was next to her and there was a young boy who was kinda taking up two seats cos him and his scooter were in the way of moving over so there was kinda a spare seat next to me but not really
then dan got on and ended up standing in the top aisle in front of me
like all i could see of the whole bus was a couple of seats either side of me and his ass
and BOTH THE WINDOWS WERE OPEN AND ME BEING IN THE VERY MIDDLE got both of then fucking up my hair the whole time and i was dying
when ella(?) got off dan ended up sitting next to me
that was all
literally all it was he didn’t even say hi or anything
i did see brooke though didn’t get to say hi but yeah smiled and shit
and then work which i was at all by my self and i think mr topham was hiding from the cleaning parents and students
then home and thats it
i feel lime I’m actually doing stuff and I’m not sure how i feel about it because i don’t really know whats going on and i don’t really feel like i have time to myself anymore but i don’t need any really because i internally and personally and emotionally don’t really have anything i need time for
i don’t have any problems and i don’t know how i feel about it

the world is falling apart but i have a trash rose

i should start from the beginning but things only really got interesting about lunch time
so nothing really in mentoring
then there was blue art where we talked about stuff and didn’t do work really
then loghann and i went to the supermarket
while walking past the dumpster we saw some flowers that had been put in that still looked pretty decent and i picked out a rose and then the whole bunch and loghann picked out a couple too and then a dude picking up trash much have put them back in cos by the time we got back there was only my single rose left lying on the ground
i stuck it behind my ear and left it there till i went home
then we played a game of sweet valley high which i basically won’t they wanted to end it so we could play cards
yellow block jess and i kinda tried to do stuff but then we just played cards
left and then oh holy miracle
dan let me on in front of him on the bus and i hadn’t even realised he was there
a watched pot never boils eh?
then he asked me something to do with brodie and school and essays and english class then i said something about brodie being a dick and then about poems then about ben and the buzzard
and he kept laughing and it was adorable and i now get why people are like oh my god people are so attractive when they’re talking about their passions
and then he told me about the comics
which are according to him shit but i think the do have some twisted kind of humour in them
so we messaged a couple of times on facebook and thats pretty much it
opened the door to some more on the bus conversations but yeah
had fish and chips and a Dr Pepper
told jess all about it
to the youtube
and i would skype jarrod but no he’s not online for once in his life

ok but seriously what?

morning was ok
english and children books
orange bio but not and had pbl
did art
sat in the back room with cleo and louena(?) and caitlin
and Jack
and we all talked about people and had a great bitch session and was pretty productive too in a way
then class was over and Jack and i stayed and talked about life things and how in schools some things are taught badly and need to be done different and how kids don’t realise things and support people need and it was really great
its probably the easiest first conversation I’ve ever had with someone
and i told him about the mentor thing that Mike and i are going to do
he was pretty keen
his girlfriend just doesn’t talk
and then it was blue block and i did some art but since id already been doing art for ages as in three hours i crashed and lay on the floor for a bit then went home early
went to work and it had a better vibe today
i don’t know if it was the puppy or Josh (lets not ever go there ever) and his step father
or that phil isn’t there
or it was just me
don’t know how though but yeah
but then at home I’ve crashed and now I’m skyping jarrod and needing to talk to him about important shit but i can’t bring myself to

I did a stupid

well not really a step just a big huge motherfucking different
i tidied my room
and i moved it around
and theres a huge space on the floor
and everything got dusted
except me because I can’t breathe properly and my bones are itching again
like seriously theres a huge space on my floor like a two and a half person sized space
as in someone could actually stay in my room and this is really fucking weird
i still can’t use my sleeping bag without thinking of specific times
also I’ve taken everything off my wall like actually everything
except the lights
but all the things off my door too both sides of it
the mural is gone the one with the brodie words
i do kinda need to feather dust the corner next to my pillow
and rewrite the stuff on my whiteboard now that i can see it all the time
its really annoying that the wifi is slow
i haven’t even been on youtube today
two more days though
its back on the 6th
i kind of want my window to get cleaned now
i even wrote a bot of a poem thats how weird things are
still haven’t talked to Jarrod again but if we leave it how we did then thats still ok because it was good and i cleared up what i felt bad about
the acoustics in my room have changed because all the furniture is in different places and theres not as much stuff on top of my things and my green wall is pretty much bare which is cool
there is the corner of shame though….
i need to take off the magnetic words on my whiteboard they’re messing up the vibe
theres like two things that aren’t in my room now because theres just no space to put them one is the weird cardboard thing that used to be under my window and then theres a box of stuff that will end up in the garage once I’ve emptied a box of stuff thats in there
i think I’ve got two crates in the garage and i think i will be able to get rid of one of them
I’ve been wearing my hat for a few hours and its really weird to be wearing it but now i can’t take it off because it would feel even weirder now not to have it on
i tried on mums wedding dress before and its a bit too big for me but it still mostly his and that was really weird
i didn’t like it but still it was her dress

on last years last year post

so this is how i ended the end of year post last year

“I want to say that I’ve learnt something from 2015 year, that theres some valuable lesson that I’ll take into this year and will make everything better but there isn’t really.
I guess if I’ve learnt anything it’s that no matter what you know, or think you know, when it comes down to it, theres only really so much your head can do to before your heart takes over and does whatever the fuck it likes even if it does mess your life up. Just pick up the pieces and make do with what’s left.”

i think i forgot that going though this year
or maybe i just felt it on a different level because i know i spent a lot more though on not trying to change things or that i can’t control things and it makes it seem like i was a hell of a lot smarter at the end of last year than i am at the end of this year and where did all that go
with everything thats happened this year with everything thats changed i have lost a lot and i don’t think i can see what I’ve gained from it
as you can see punctuation is one of the things I’ve lost
i don’t feel like i understand the world better or have learned life lessons it just that things have changed and i have changed and things will be different now