I need to not be so fucking attached (maybe this was actually the becca finale + rejection from all sides)

(myself included)
honestly ive felt like shit since talking to Charles yesterday afternoon
the only way ive been ok is reading
i will need a constant supply of new books until ive gotten over him
which needs to happen very soon
because there was a bird outside my window that sounded like him and i almost cried
ive cried too much today
at least ive managed to stay hydrated (thanks to donating blood this morning) that it hasnt given me a headache
i had to take of the new necklace because i felt like that had something to do with me being so emotional and it might have actually helped
i read the last thunder road novel and it connects to the other series that she (katie mcgarry) wrote with issiah and rachel and the cars and echo and noah and everything
it was great but also sad because with books like these theres no question that thyere gonna end up together so my lonely little heart cant steal them for a little while
also i have no real wifi right now so i cant even watch simon or will to make me feel better or even fresh meat so im just stuck reading till all my books are gone and trying to sleep away as much time as i can to avoid thinking about him
im feeling way too much for this guy and he has no clue about anything
lily says he told her he only likes me as a friend but wasnt very convincing about it and that doesnt actually change how i feel cos im in a shit mood to begin with
would have been a hell of a lot worse if he’d said it himself
and like i just said to lily i keep relying on other people to put me in a better mood at the moment because all this shit with becca (and then catherine even though literally nothing has happened with her but im a paranoid and jealous little bitch cos if nothing has happened with me over almost two months then nothing will happen with her over a few days) has just drained me ability to be ok when im on my own and i keep getting too attached to people
and keep spelling attached wrong the first try
this rando called Lloyd (honestly who names their kid that) started messaging me
so yeah becca messaged me conversation went as follows
B: hannah idk if youll ever forgive me but i hope youll look past it one day and move on from whats happened and im really sorry
me: (getting a lil emotional and pissed about it and actually letting it show for once during this whole thing) i dont have shit to say to you until youre ready to admit what youve lied about and apologised for it
B: well i guess we wont be ever sorting it out so i guess bye forever
me: (admittedly wanting to be a bitch cos its fun and im sick of her and starting to not care about her feelings but also wanting to keep the upper hand but knowing shes to dumb to properly understand what im trying to do) oh no its sorted we stopped being friends the second you told me you had never lied to me then continued to lie about it. you have bought this on yourself when you couldve ended it that night but didnt. we had a great time but now because of you its over. even though its ended shit im glad that i still made friends like samantha melissa and charles because of it. so yeah goodbye. (had to blame her had to bring charles into it)
me: *resets every custom thing on messenger (both our nicknames set the emoji and colours back to default*
B: fine ok bye

i still managed not to outright swear at her and keep it civil and mostly mature
also confessed to lily what a shit time i was having at the moment
i have nothing to say to charles and it hurts a little
also im scared to talk to him
also bought up the subject of tattoos with mum and she wants me to talk to becky about it
i just want to get it done


Tired beyond the point of function (bees/lily/charles)

again im more tired than ive been in a long time
woke up at half one and probably didnt get back to sleep till almost three i guess but by that point id stopped checking the time
was hungry then too
i hope that doesnt happen tonight because ive got a blood bank appointment so that wouldnt be good to be overly tired or faint during or after that
got stung on my right index finger by a bumble bee this morning before i was leaving
then a long ass bus ride met up with the people went to a couple of shops later we ended up going to riccarton
then got a milkshake and starbucks and then kmart then inspirations then jelly park then to Christ the king where things got better
for me kinda
the playground meant the slide meant fighting over it or pushing people off
lily was kinda pushing me on him not physically but like still
there was a point where lily was at the end of the slide i was sitting around her and charles was halfway down it with his arms out
i was thinking about pulling him down but figured it wouldnt work but then i mentioned it and he said he had kinda been expecting it then i messed around with the idea of doing it but then figured he’d kinda be expecting it more
he had started jabbing me in the sides again and i didnt think i’d missed it but actually kinda had
and then i pulled him down
it was actually amazing but also not really
it really hurt my ear and he also ended up fully against me back and kinda over lily and i too
also he got a little stuck with the whole gravity thing
was huge butterflies
but then it was over
then other then other then other and somehow it ended with me getting piggybacked off the slide and getting stung by a bee
and i couldnt be ok with it because the first thought i had was my weight and then it was also a bit uncomfortable and yeah
i was around lily for a bit then she was needing to leave so i went back to charles who was lying on the end of the slide and messing with him
i need to stop touching his face all the time (glabella glabella glabella) and just poking him in general
like i just need to stop being so attached to him
but yeah sometimes i dont remember we’re not a thing and i almost kissed him but ended up almost licking his forehead but her moved and headbutted my teeth which hurt and then we left and he ran for his bus and i didnt get a hug goodbye and then yeah
i feel pretty shit
lily is pretty convinced that he likes me but im pretty convinced he doesnt
the photos she took today were kinda cute i have to admit

It all falls down.. or doesn’t? (mob/cows/scarab/end of the becca drama?)

I dunno but i got sunburnt
got up way too early for how much ive been sleeping and also for just the holidays in general
which was just the normal time i get up
met up with charles at northlands and my hair dried way too quickly for my liking and so i hadnt had it properly styled at all
when we were waiting for the bus this old lady came up to him and asked where a specific bus stopped he didnt know and then she went to cross the street and the whole road stopped for her
he went and hid around behind the bus shelter so he didnt see it but both sides of the road just stopped for her because she was a special old lady
we ended up at Sam and Catherine’s place and i met their dog Storm who was hyper as fuck to meet new people and of course Charles jumped on everyones bed
the weirdo
then we went off to the library
was weird
just hanging out and eating(???) in the library
(eating was later but whatever)
we just ended up talking about the things we’ve been told and whatever and waiting for becca to turn up if at all
she came with Melissa ages after we got there
and becca and i went to talk outside
she started blaming everything on ‘other shit’ that was going on in her life
turns out she says the other shit is with the mob (???)
like im supposed to believe her who thinks she’s hard but is a little bitch at heart
so it went in circles that she couldnt explain anything that i wasnt going to trust her again or believe her unless it was what i wanted to hear no one could explain the fake brice account i was in danger just because she mentioned the mob to me she had to get their permission to talk to us and leave her house today
what i had looked like proof that she had been lying she and no one else could explain it she couldnt give me proof that it was real i couldnt trust her because what i had looked like proof that she had been lying
around and around and around
before we actually went out to talk or actually we went out to talk and then i had to pee and she had to go back inside with me to find the toilets and we were laughing and shit like before all this happened
when she isnt lying about shit and trying to get attention she’s actually a decent friend but i’ve lost that and everyone else has lost that because of what she’s done
and she’s lost this all
Sam told me that becca said even if she never ended up friends with sam again that she would end up friends with me again
she did nothing to help herself today
Sam then came out and becca was adamant that she would walk away and yeah it was basically at the point where i was saying that if she cant admit anything to me and i cant trust her we cant do anything and anything with us is gone
i have still been nothing but civil
and im proud of that actually
while i was out with her Melissa had told everyone inside that becca hadnt had well pretty much anything to do with the mob and that it was actually her that had and was in it all
we talked about stories that she’d taken from other peoples lives and it was terrible and also good to get everything out
it didnt really change the fact that she had lied about almost everything she had ever said to us
i was starting to get sick of it and also feel a little left out because it got to a point where Melissa and Sam were talking about people from KHS and other mutual people who i knew nothing about
by this time becca had totally disappeared and saying she wasnt going to come back ignoring people calling her and was kinda replying to Melissa who kept making it really clear with me that she never hated me and never said i was a bitch which had been things that becca had told me and what she had told Melissa about me
It turns out we get along pretty well
like seriously when we ended up at KHS on the field there were quite a few times where we had the same thought and i said it out loud like Charles was lying on his side and lifted his leg up
she and i started laughing and i said the first thing that came into my head was ‘paint me like one of your french girls’ and she had had the exact same thought
there were a couple other things too which was like did becca realise (she might have been too dumb to but like still) that we would get along good and try to keep us from getting to be better friends with eachother than with her cos thats what it felt like
Charles got really sick of everything being about becca
but Sam was ofer talking to her and recording the conversation (we could hardly hear it when she came back with it and were gonna put it through Charles’ speaker but then Melissa’s phone died and we couldnt
so he was lying on the ground with his hood up and i said to Melissa that i kinda wanna pour water on him so i handed her my drink bottle and she threw water at him
it was seriously one of the best things ive ever had the idea for
like usually it wouldnt have happened i wouldnt have gone through with it but Melissa did for me and then he got pissed and picked her up then me up and dropped me which hurt a little
we left it a while and then did it again
i really wish ‘d filmed it now that would’ve been amazing but i didnt think of it
we’re gonna have to get to a point where we can do it again
then we were out of water bored and Sam had come back
nothing really to do it was almost 5 so Charles and i left and bussed back to northlands
managed to explain about the cow thing and he said he had no idea what to reply and also he thought it was really funny anyway so lack of relationship has been saved
(he did get real close with Catherine near then end but im jealous of everything and i havent been around him and other people in ages anyway)
i got the lamest hug when her left like it was kinda awkward i just ended up hugging crooked from behind his shoulder and he only reciprocated a little which i guess wouldve been a difficult position to be in anyway but also HE DIDNT JAB ME IN THE SIDE AT ALL
what he gave as an explanation to being nervous was not really anything at all
he just said something like because he’s left it for a while and hadn’t seen me in a while he stopped being nervous
i dont really get it but he doesnt make much sense at the best of times
but yeah i got lily to ask if he was free this weekend cos he mentioned that he still kinda wanted to meet her so maybe on wednesday but we have to ask again tomorrow
in the group chat i ended up saying the second magic mike was slightly better than the first cos Catherine bought it up cos Charles wanted to watch a movie
yeah i dunno
theres nothing more to be done with becca im not going to message her anymore cos the lack of attention with annoy her just as much as if i was having a go at her
it was nice though for those few minutes before and a bit after i went to pee that we had a little bit back to how it used to be
its just sad that she cant honour that friendship and value it enough to be honest with me

(drew out and figured out the colours for the scarab tattoo and it looks decent just got to find where im going to go to get it done some time next week after ive given blood on thursday (they called when i was at Sam’s) and lily and maybe jess is gonna come)

It’s all gone tits up

what does that even mean if you take that literally?
i dont wanna know to be honest
wow honesty what a concept
its all about the becca drama again isnt it
samantha called me when i was at work and said that becca had told her that her and melissa had been stalked around northlands mall
(I MESSAGED BRODIE about the kinda shitty but i kinda like it poem that ive written about the becca situation)
(also looked at beccas most recent posts on instagram)
so its the first of the month and maybe we’re getting somewhere to sorting things out
who knows
but yeah after i was done with work i messaged lily who said that she is in oxford at the moment and hasnt been to northlands and basically wouldnt give a fuck if she had seen her there anyway
so i was going to meet up with her on wednesday and then she bailed saying that her mum had a thing planned on that afternoon
so im meeting people tomorrow
its possible gonna be shit
and im freaking out about catching busses that i dont know and meeting people i dont really know and it sucks and i hate it
but now im talking to brodie about it all
and i actually feel a little ok at the moment
i spent like two hours on the phone with Samantha today and i could overhear george and Charles in the background sometimes
i didnt realise how much i missed Charles
and Brodie for that matter
until today
mum doesnt like how im dealing with this
im doing my best

cow gifs

it needs to stop being cold im fucking sick of it
getting to the last day of term tomorrow
spent time with alena and then when i had messaged charles who it turned out didnt hate me
i accidentally sent a cow gif
like sure i was trying to send a cow gif but like when i was trying to scroll through them it thought my tap meant tap to send not tap to scroll and then i sent a really fucking weird cow gif

it could be fucking brilliant if it had anything to do with the conversation but it really fucking didnt
then i showed alena and we were (her) laughing and (me) almost crying (with laughter) about it and i ended up leaving it too long to send an apology or explanation
and then he didnt reply for ages
like more than an hour
but then we were fine
but now its stuck the permenant joke about me being obsessed with cows and cow gifs and its fucking terrible
theres nothing really else to say
had a pretty good one to one with holly and did some art and that about it
going to bus to faultline tomorrow
maybe if i dont have too much of a huge fucking panic about it


like i lost an hours sleep
i woke up at 7 in the morning
Is this with all my guardOh my godThis is amazing cityNot thatIt’s still a little bit iffyWithThisSeven turns out I can) by talking into myIt’s not very good with the sensitivityMyIt doesn’t get most of my words right
Although the whole?In
ThingThat’s great wellI’m going to stop writing this post by talking into a little whiteworse when I’m Inuit houseThis broken heartUp up up up upThatThat Move upThat Moveworse when I’m Inuit houseThis broken heartUp up up up upThatThat Move upThat Moveworse when I’m Inuit houseThis broken heartUp up up up upThatThat Move upThat Moveworse when I’m Inuit houseThis broken heartUp up up up upThatThat Move upThat Move

i fugured out how to paste accidentally and then it did that
so thats a mess

so charles texted me at 9 to say he couldnt make it i just said ‘k’ because i was annoyed that he bailed and later on lily asked why and he said he was working with his dad
like its a valid excuse but like im sad because also i dont know if i can trust him cos of becca and also hes been really off lately and im giving up
becca says she might be in on monday or wednesday
i made some updates to the ink and its ok i guess
there’ll be some random capitals from the dictation starting a new sentance that i havent taken out and im not really sure which is more efficiant to type it out myself or to dictate it
i kinda wanna talk to jarrod but really i want to talk to brodie but thats mostly because i want to talk to charles but not the normal jarrod like i want him to get less of the cuddle shit and more back to the chicken drumstick things
thats a reference that was absolutely terrible at the time
i dont want the usual brodie either because that wouldnt be a conversation at all seeing as he doesnt talk to me
a year ago and i would hate this so much
i kinda do if only that i feel like i cant start talking to him now
(why is theo in my brain?)
but like the young brodie i guess who was more like jarrod and charles maybe
its a type for fucks sake its a type
to look at them face value theyre enough different to go nah theyre not alike
like literally i was saying how not like brodie charles is and then suddenly fuck
but just talking to charles at all at the moment would be great but i have nothing to say to him really and i cant even try and make plans with becca because its just going to collapse after whenever we talk to miriam
im not ok with it
with anything really
im glad i made friends with the people in louise’s homebase because otherwise id be kinda fucked for friends right about now
ashleigh even takked me in something about noddy on facebook today
mum and i went to barrington and i got a two bar clothes rack and then moved my entire room around
i have the green rug fomr the study on my floor too but the annoying thing is that it has to go a bit under my bed so it can fit in my room properly and i dont like it cos it also fucks the door a little and the colour isnt quite right either
but my bed is back close to my window ive memorised the emergency services number from the It Crowd and hung up all my clothes for the first time in my life and its kinda organised
shame no one one will see it though
my bin is also very far away from my bedside now

when i said shit was kicking off before… (I’m a sucker for punishment)

it was nothing compared to what happened today
lily was at school again so i didn’t do any of my art today and instead hung out with her
talking about everything and then it got to the point of she was going to message becca about why the fuck is she being such a bitch about me and charles
there isn’t even a me and charles so most of this is all pointless
i dunno it just feels like a load of crap now
becca was pissed lily was pissed we (alena loghann and i) all knew what was going on cos alena added her to the group chat
(i message him when he’s offline and want to check every five seconds if he’s online and replying yet and i feel like shit for it I’m switching between screens even though i dong even have a facebook tab open anywhere)
so everything really went down after i got home from work but ill say the shit about bio before getting to that
talked to brent in the morning saying i have basically nothing for the internal that we were supposed to be starting today and i was trying to pull out of it but then its ended up that I’m going to sit it in a week and a half
i really don’t know what I’m doing with it
kinda should have sat in in green when the others were going over all their things for it but lily was there and we were hanging out with alena too
so it was deafeningly quiet
like a painful quiet like there were sounds and whatever but it was shit and it was suffocating but then i started getting into what i was doing and i found exemplars from past assessments for them (which were all about fish which was annoying but it would have been worse if they were all about insects cos we aren’t looking at them at all) and looked at the internals book
theres really not enough about the gas exchange systems of mud crabs anywhere in the anything i can find
I’ve got most of what i can with them just need to figure out a better way of explaining countercurrent flow and then move on to cheetahs
saw billy on the bus today for the first time in almost two weeks and he was snapchatting this other kid and he was smiling and it was so cute
so work was whatever and then home to all the drama
for some reason jacob had poked me on facebook and i realised i hadn’t poked jarrod back from two years ago and so i did and then he messaged me while i was in a furious three bubble chat series trying to send screenshots and mediate and gossip all at the same time so it wasn’t exactly the best moment for him to message me because i opened it as soon as it came up because i was trying to reply to lily and then ended up giving him the most abbreviated version of what was happening
his advice was to fuck off becca and get the guy to go on an actual date with me
which isn’t going to happen but he was really surprised that id already asked him to hang out and told him my feelings
while this was going on i was leading becca to believe lily wasn’t telling me what she was saying to becca and talking to lily about what she was saying to becca
so i knew she started it but i have no control over what she says and yes i was interested in what the response was because it was about me and my feelings and one of my best friends and so becca had also sent me screenshots after blocking lily about what lily had said and then sam was also getting involved and they called lily
like actually called her and i don’t know why they do this like apparently they did this to charles too and sam has a go at people from beccas phone and also without telling them it her talking not becca which I’ve done when I’ve been making jokes but not having a go at people you do that from your own name
becca might not trust me
haven’t really talked to charles and lily can’t meet him till the weekend after next
her and alena stalked his instagram and were both judging the same photos at the same time and having so much fun with it
they’ve gotten over the whole being happy I’m into a guy that isn’t brodie and in the times they aren’t pissed at becca for being manipulative they’re starting to give me shit about him
it was nice what jarrod said though
i did kinda miss him but i guess it was only the attention

Shits kicking off

so becca and i are having a go
its been building up to this for a few days
but now its all gone to shit
at the moment I’m somewhere between an asshole and a hardcore life coach
so i started about joking about fucking (i almost typed brodie I’m actually going to kill myself) charles and then she didn’t take it well cos i went from saying i was kidding to like but what if I’m not and back and forth
she said she’d kill me
then she told me she was done with peoples games and lying and backstabbing keeping shit from her whatever
she said something was wrong implied it was with me and i asked her to tell me she refused i said she couldn’t back out she said she did i said keep running then your shit will still follow you
and i told he she needs help
and then i really fucked her off by saying maybe you think if youre more fucked up people will find you more interesting
she did not like that at all
thought i was accusing her which i kinda was but like i also feel like that and i told her and then she decided to tell me she was pregnant
i dunno we’re now good again so like i don’t even know what that was but i made sure not to say anything that was an outright diss so she can’t say shit to me about it
but we’re good
went to school looked through art books that i don’t care about
did some painting
not sure where its all going
went home
there was a big fuck off truck in the driveway when i got home and then guys to to the asphalt
so theres a catherine who kept saying ‘three hot girls in a bed come get it’ i the group chat
I JUST CALLED THE BOY KIDDO I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS WHOLE FLIRTING THING honestly though its not like he would know flirting if it literally grabbed his balls so like who cares
i made a beautiful dick joke got jealous and protective over the boy and yeah
i think its time to drown in youtube

there have been DEVELOPMENTS

so up at 8 to to to northlands for 10 caught a glimpse of his dad
messed around before the movies
the movie wasn’t as good as the first two though even though i cried a little in the doc hudson part and also at the lost property short before the movie started
he is so uncomfortable with people crying
messed around the warehouse and two dollar shops
he grabbed my butt again once he got ¿comfortable? with it again (thats a really weird wording but it was like when i triple check confirmed that i wouldnt slap him in the face if he did) he said stuff along the lines of most girls wouldnt like that or it would only be if they were dating and i feel like you don’t like it
in my head i was like why don’t you get that i like you jesus
but i said something like i don’t not like it or i wouldnt let you do it if i didn’t like it
i was terrible
then becca turned up
was dress shopping with her mum and just happened to run into us for half an hour
it felt altogether too much of a coincidence
and then we went to a school playground where i very seriously told him i liked him (after he bought fake blood which was just food dye which stained his teeth and lips very pink (better than the tint i bought for fucking 20 something dollars) and then said it tasted terrible but wouldnt eat or drink anything to fix it the put even more in his mouth)
so ended up on a playground but then he was really fucking zazzed of the most of two cans of nos and he couldn’t stay still
i lost one of my boob rocks but he found it after
went back to the mall
clarified that i liked him as more than a friend because he only thought i was meaning i liked him as a friend and was like yeah becca told me which really confused me at the time
he also blamed the ‘blood’ stain on his hand on me which i found really weird because literally i am blood right now
and yeah cuddled a little bit but he had to keep moving i was cold we ended up leaving and going back to the mall where i got back to the group chat and they were saying kiss him and whatever he saw it and yeah
then we found george
or well he found us
i think we’re gonna run out of wifi data for when I’m off school with my face
so it was weird but yeah we had a chat and i was so much happier about seeing george than becca or at least not as pissed
and then there was the bus stop
i was leaving and he asked it i wanted a kiss and i said maybe and he kissed me on the cheek
but also made me promise not to tell anyone about it
hes so scared that people will give him shit for it
still this is too much drama because i got into saying shit like i wanted to kiss you since the first day i met you and then he felt bad for not realising and it was awkward
i feel weird and kinda like I’m doing something wrong
but this is like one of the few times I’ve straight up told a guy i like him
he doesn’t get why but he didn’t take it badly and didn’t right away shut me down
or shut me down much at all but was just kinda self deprecating
so yeah thats that
i don’t know what else
its weird now cos i want to talk to him but i don’t have anything to say


so guess what I’m posting this off
i guess i would be able to tell from thee fat that the autocorrect is a toaster and that the i isn’t automatically capitalised
IVE GOT MY LAPTOP BACK (after 12 days)
but they replaced the whole top off the body casing
as in i don’t have my fucked up corners
or the weird thing that jess had taped to the left side and my weird shadows on the keys and i swear the keys feel different to type on
the charger connection is just as bad still even though the battery isn’t a dick
i don’t get the crackles that i used to either in the speakers which is the good thing
the base plate is still mine though
i don’t know how they managed to have my same base plate with the same screen (cos that still has the munched corners and kidsline sticker and the four missing pixels in the middle) and not the same keys and top plate i don’t get it
also i think its about time that charles gets his own category like damn that boy is being mentioned all the time and like yeah also i found the very first mention of him on the blog and its very lame but it was also when becca and george said that charles and i had to meet in person to see who was more weird
I’m too chill around him though and so he doesn’t see me being really weird cos I’m the most weird in my own head or at school with loghann and playing games
none of which he is around to see
if becca is so certain that charles doesn’t like me and “only sees me as a friend nothing more nothing less” (a phrase i don’t think he would use honestly) why is she getting so pissed and worried about him and i being alone together????
realisation of the day
went through with holly a list of things i needed in a boy and also which ones of them he fitted with and its only some and not enough for her to say that its ok to have a thing for him
so on saturday there are some key questions
assuming saturday is still going ahead because becca said he was sick but like he went to boxing and walked his dogs and didn’t mention anything about it to me
has becca told you that i only like you as a friend?
and depending on how it goes from there…
are you doing this cos you don’t know when else you’d have the chance to do shit like this or cos you actually like me?
and depending on how that goes..
date me?
you realise i actually like you right?

also other things that need to be discussed:
we are doing nothing wrong
its not weird to hang out with someone you don’t know too well because thats how you get to know them
you don’t need to keep things from becca but that doesn’t mean you have to ask her permission to do things either
you can do what you want if its something you enjoy or makes you happy and if she has a problem with you being happy thats her issue not yours and if you feel like you have to keep something from her then thats a whole problem with that friendship in itself
i think thats about it
watching youtube on my laptop again is weird
I’m going to faultline tomorrow but I’m going on the bus from school to riccarton for a while probably
not like hey jesus I’m telling you jesus that i need to finish this post
im not funny
i need to be done here?
ok i also caught up with kitty about all this stuff and my teeth and it was pretty good actually
played go fish and walked to the bus with sophie
found gibbon gifs and was living
literally the worst things of recently have been because of becca causing drama and emotional distress and school work
going back to youtube now