look who decided

ok so course
went in to the kitchen buttered two loaves of bread signed all my paperwork and then asked if i could go to the cafe with gemma and that was ok and the kitchen people gave me flowers which was nice of them
and so then i was in the cafe all day and it got kinda busy at a couple points
ok so then
then chris came and handed me this sheet of paper which was the internal offer for gemmas job while she’s on maternity leave as in a contract for a year of full time work and i need to decide in 20 days if im going to take it
the green hair thing is still up for debate though
didnt make too many mistakes right
havent talked to brodie
which might be ok but it also might not be because i may be being distanced from which like fully support him getting his shit together and all that like well done proud of you and i get that i might make some things complicated in a way i dont know i dont know if he knows even but like i gotta say like it does suck that he wasnt just like nah youre not one of those people but still whatever he needs to do to get himself to a better place im for it even if it means im out
so then we get to home
right? i know ey
where does he get the fucking even to be able to launch himself back about and go hey how are you we should catch up we should hang out again
honestly where after six months do you get the right to act like nothing happened to come back like no time had passed at all like you have the fucking right to ask if ive got a boyfriend yet
where do you get the fucking right


real time

so first post this weekend made on the real day
made while things actually feel real
like a good breakfast
like maybe there wasnt the options or whatever but still ya know? like a feed was offered and i only had two hashbrowns and a strange pancake thing but brodie was right hashbrowns do make things better not forever obviously because i feel terrible but like i feel like im in my own head now like actually functioning from the inside of my own body which means im at a low on panic
why can i make thinking about course slide right now when usually i cant if only i could make things like that slide by will not just for whatever reason and im actually scarily unfased by it
anyway used loghanns nintendo to start with this morning because it was there and mine was in my bag and also to see what MK7 was all about and also it being a 3ds SO it was an experience i had to use the twiddly controls because the dpad switched it to first person tilt controls which was terrifying and i had the 3d on which was terrible for my brain.. cool but terrible
then we dropped sophie home and went to the supermarket and i watched the canandian and had a fucking nap which is unheard of ok it never happens
talked to ethan and gareth and jess and lily
and i dont know why she had to put that in a group chat when she was skyping jess so obviously would have known how she was and i dont know what she thinks happened but knows it was more than just a kiss and i think that she thinks im fucked over from it
and honestly for once i dont know (tbc on that front and there may end up being me trying to explain although i dont know if thats gonna be public or even posted but sending a link is easier than a screenshot or sending whatever i end up writing)
and now i cant conversate because the whole not knowing when hes on and not being able to just send a fucking dolphin because i just want to go hey im not like expecting a conversation right now but i just wanted to let you know that i remember you exist
and i think the other part of that in theory post will be a thankyou but i guess a thankyou is kinda the whole thing really
i want to say who gives a shit about how emotional im getting about it but like it feels chill like emotionally like im not wound up about it but i have feeling about it and maybe it shouldnt have so much meaning attached to it because wasnt it meant to not mean anything? is it supposed to not mean anything? and i dont want to bring it up because it means something but maybe its not supposed to BUT IM GOING TO COVER THIS LATER OBVIOUSLY
so i have course tomorrow and i think im not stressed about it because im not stressed about this its more like im unravelling my thoughts and feelings about it so i can try and understand why im not a mess about it and i almost had a chance to explain it to lily but that would mean telling her more than i would want to and jess like the fuck of a reason was it a group chat
it bedtime but ima work on that post


now this is where things get worse if not better
a guitar appeared from nowhere not really brodie and jess were in his room and he started singing and so i started crying because thats just what happens isnt it and lily tells me i care about people too much and then outside and he was singing so i went inside and cried then hashbrowns archer brooklyn 99 them two going to sleep brodie and i ending up going to his room
im realising im swearing a lot more at the moment and i dont know why like im adding fuck in everywhere anyways
i put my fingers through his hair and he says its a bad idea and i say i dont fucking care and we end up in his room anyway
and nothing is gonna happen and i dont wanna go far at all cos im scared and im out of practice and i dont wanna do anything wrong because i dont like doing things where i dont know what im doing
puts a movie on and we never end up watching the movie after all then theres my four years of cockfright and we have the word green and we have my hands that i think will break themselves and then its green and then its reset and i lose my kmart safety blanket and i have a new piercing remember and now its two people that have seen it and so the bruises happened and then its all not so bad working back from the reset and i dont mind the choking and in a way all of it felt too normal but ive fucking missed him like this didnt miss the teasing though and may have probably yes i kinda did miss the not so gentle persuasion and now we get to the point of what used to happen because my hands were scared and i feel like i remembered it more than i thought i would
what do you want?
and i very didnt hate it
and then it was fucking over
and we reassembled ourselves and i dont know what and then and then
and then
it was fucking going again and this was the going till its over part the we never made it to this point part and the whole me really liking the sounds you make and keep swearing please and then it was not how i remembered when it happened but then it was done
and i dont regret it none of it felt like it wasnt supposed to be happening i knew i had an out and it just was dont be sorry because im fucking not
the problem now is im not (as) scared anymore and i think that means id want more
so waking up an hour later and my insides are cramping so much i cant move for a bit getting up for water and turns out them lot are awake and lily says she’s leaving and i eat chips that make me feel sick and then go back to bed and then he’s awake and cold and fucking adorable and lily leaves and jess ends up going with her and then time goes on and we leave and i go home and then to loghann’s tonight
so loghanns
went home packed tried to sleep couldnt eat really then the bus
i think it was the same driver that i had going in from wigram this afternoon cos he was like ‘catching another bus?’ but i didnt look when i was going home
so i was the first there it was fine there was family everywhere they were messing around on guitars but had their amps up way too high for us to even conversate which sucked and like mariokart and then food which i wasnt a huge fan of but like its just not what im used to and then presents happened at some point and loghann was going through mine and we were honestly wheezing then i did madlibs with Celeste and that was cool like actually great cos we were pissing ourselves laughing and they may have been the two highlights of the night like it was whatever for the rest of it eventually went to sleep and thank fucking fuck that i actually slept

pretty damB shitty (naz 3.1/3

i dont know noah said we should do something
thats nice
at least im not suggesting it
because of conversation topics with brodie im having to face my reasoning for why i want someone and thats not fun
to think about how lonely i am and how alone i feel and that i miss the small stupid things but everyone is older now isnt in the first real relationship rose tinted glasses mindset in relationships any more
all i know is from year 9/10
and i miss it
and he makes me feel like its a stupid thing to want
to be in love
like the world doesnt work like that like im the only person who cares about that kinda thing
that no one else could ever want to have that with me
and now ive said that to him and i dont know what i want as a reply or what to expect or what the fuck he could say
probably sorry probably that he’s a bad person or that he hates himself or that hes frustrated
just because there will be bad does not mean there wont be any good in it
somehow its exactly 500 days since i last kissed someone
i dont think anything with charles counted
not really
whyd i fucking tell him that
the door was open
i felt like shit
ended up upstairs in the servery for a bit
made sandwiches and didnt have fun made a panini and filled roll did not have fun
didnt end up seeing brodie at the mall after cos hes sick again
got the shirt i almost got with jess and a shirt from kmart and other shit from kmart and another six pack of mini lift because if one of my goals for this year was to drink less lift im sure as hell fucking failing it


if someone would send that to an emo band for a song title id appreciate it
so i had a panic and a feeling and a whole lot of feelings this morning
i was on time
i was even early
AND THEN I WAS SO FUCKING NOT ON TIME BECAUSE SUDDENLY MY ALarm was going off and then i was checking the weather and then i got a notification that Cam was streaming fortnight and then i was like fuck it i dont have a class this morning and i can hang about for a bit and then
fucking then
i did the unthinkable
i was like my lifes been pretty shit recently so what’s actually made me feel a little better? whats helped distract me from how upset everythings been making me feel and how trapped i feel and lonely?
watching his videos
and i was like why not
why the fuck not would i donate a little ya know show a bit of appreciation and then i did
$15 which for whatever reason got fucked off to american dollars but it is what is is
so yeah he died the match was over and then he was reading the thing and called me a rich bastard and like fuck man
i was actually shaking like panic attack like what the fuck have i just done like dude i feel like ive touched an electric fence and i dont know why it felt like such a big deal and it was probably because of my anxiety being so kicked up at the moment
and he was like follow us on instagram or twitter (pfft like i wasnt already) and dm us and ill follow you back
although i think he burped through that last bit because the boy was drinking of course as you do
and then that was it
to the dms on both no reply but like its not a big deal i just wanted to do something like all i could manage to do for someone who had made my life a little less shitty at the moment

and loghann wasnt at school and then we almost played fibbage (the game simon plays that i dont really like watching) but because it ran through steam school had it blocked and then i suggested just doing kahoot which went down well and i won the first one maybe two.. we played a lot its hard to remember and i think it went wrong once id changed from cabbage to anything else and even the boys joined in and they maybe possibly even had a little fun who knows and then art where it was ok i guess
finished up the biggest cove so far and yeah it was a bit of a rush but thats ok made it in the end
althouGH AT ONE POINT i was playing as winston egbert and also as fireboy
and yeah i think not everyone had a bad time
did have a bad time at work though and also the fact that its like a whole hours and hours later and im dead left unread


ok so i managed to go to school today and go to art and bio and be a functioning human and go to work and everything and SEE BRODIE
which was actually great even though i had the plague and it feels like we’re real people now like we’ve actually grown up and shit not just like the fact that hes 18 now too but like emotionally
he might not agree with that but like i feel it so fuck it
and emma messaged me about the tattoo and then i told jarrod about it and then i sent brodie the explanation that i sent jarrod about the card and now i feel weird cos maybe i shouldnt have
but it was ok in the end
but here is a note from my phone
was hard for me to process because i still vaguely remember young 12 year old brodie but he is now quite fluffy and i dont know how i feel about the dark
met this chick called jess too
she though it was great how free and wild upt is and she met brodie at margaret mahy park while he was not very sober after emily
nathan saw me taking coldrex and started going on this tirade about how drugs should be legalised if only that they would be regulated and just chatting shit about kids doing drugs at school and im like to loghann all i did was whip out my cold medicine all im doing is taking decongestants

really thats all

JIMMY fucking CARR

i hate the smell of mcdonalds more than i remembered
or maybe its because i didnt like it when i came here last and that was ages ago so now i hate it more?
such a rude welcome youre busy whatever but like ok sure whatever
not like i wanted a hug hi or anything
shes lovely but must be thinking why the hell is she here with that guy again
we need to be flat out friendzoned
and you need to do something that will make me hate you a little again
why are you offended at my lack of appreciation for sauce and why are you bonding with the cashier about it
(the bit that wasnt from the note on my phone about the actual show)
i fucking loved it
the show and the company just not the crowds or the whole noticing your arm was really warm and that sometimes when i was watching the screen i felt like i was just at home with my laptop or the whole whats the weirdest thing a guy has ever asked you to do thing and the times i wish i couldve made a comment on something but only i would have found it funny or it wasnt quite appropriate because we arent together
i missed having lift fucking overpriced though
my ribs hurt from laughing so much
its been a long time since i have been that close to another human being
the guy on the other side of me had some pretty funny reactions to some of the shit that was said
i dont think i will ever look at bananas the same way again
we should do something again soon cos that was great
(the rest of the note)
i already have too many feelings
twas a good night and i really appreciate the hug goodbye considering i didnt have to ask for it for once for like the first time in a long time and it was a proper hug too
ive missed that
you have no idea how much ive missed that
(so ends the note and the rest is just my brain on full bullshit mode)
ive really missed being around him and yeah i know it wasnt much of a social thing because we spent so much time just watching the show but i function of being around people that mean a lot to me and so i had a really great time
yes there were some moments where i had to (please no dont do that contain your thoughts you know that its not gonna be possible dont go there) stop myself from feeling too coupley because that shit still feels a little normal with him which is in a way nice but also i hate it
and the push and pull moments that im sure i created in my own stupid mind but like for fucks sake
and on the way there fucking hell im a mess really
old habits die hard i guess
lets not mention the word hard

i think i actually have a bit to say

ended up with lily for six hours today which was pretty awesome and we didnt struggle to come up with shit to talk about the whole time which was great
she’s definitely someone i could live with
and considering i am so set on having my own space and being the head of a household
not for any status reasons or for wanting to lord it over anyone
but to be able to carve my niche in the world and control what goes in it where things are put what happens and why and when
but she understands that
so we wandered about the mall had some drinks and then went upstairs and chatted then we saw people we knew like jack rose sally and oscar from school and finn and molly who are amazingly still together and it kinda looked like his hair was thinning a bit made up for it with a beard though and eventually saw noah and gabe
noah said he hadnt been up to much lately and been doing nothing
excuse you but did you not say we’d hang out a lot more when i was off work? have we done so? no i think not id be down for it though
we went to inspirations where we actually ended up having a discussion about beliefs in spirituality and shit like that
like she had a feeling for a while that she was gonna lose a male member of her family and it turns out that yeah she is going to
and she’s going to come with me to the next body mind spirit festival thing which is in march maybe?
i should probably sort my nintendogs so theyre not dying if loghann comes back with me tomorrow
lily got me two straws from starbucks so when i feel shit i can blow the paper off them because for some reason that makes me ridiculously happy
we might also end up going to the uk together
theres something wrong with my nose its not broken just not functioning quite right and my right hand is kind of crampy
i used chopsticks today properly for the first time in i think ever and im actually pretty proud of that and i used my debit card for the first time in ever and it worked too… well i use it yesterday but ive tap-paid i think twice and it was epic and i felt like a god
the new piercing doesnt even hurt that much anyway
at the end of it we were just observing and commenting on all the guys that walked past us which honestly we were probably doing for more than an hour
when we were at the park after inspirations
even though mum had told me not to go outside
there were some tradie guys who kinda catcalled us as they drove in but really quietly and one of them stayed staring at us when the parked and stayed sitting in their car but then got out walked halfway towards us then went back to the car which we kinda freaked out about like what the fuck??
when i was at jels buying the usual oreo milkshake this old lady with her husband came up to lily and i asking if we wanted to use the last $5.50 that was on the giftcard that she had and she was Scottish and it was beautiful and she was awesome and it was honestly the nicest thing a stranger has done for me and so i had the majority of my milkshake shouted by a lovely Scottish lady and her giftcard which ive kept the empty card for a keepsake to remind me of a strangers kindness

rant about your unhealthy(?) relationship

not necessarily unhealthy but im commenting on what little i know and i dont like it
you may have a shit track record with being in stable relationships
you may also be shit at being emotionally stable
you may also have a hard time with keeping your emotions to one person
that doesnt mean she should dictate who you can and cant spend time with
do you say she cant hang out with guys or tell her that you dont trust her with friends that are boys?
i cant imagine that you would
so when she isnt ok with you hanging out with your best friend who is a chick i dont see how thats fair
sure i dont know if i would trust you or not but i have never tried to attack your friendships
and yeah when it got to a point where i might not have been ok with some people you hung out with we werent in an actual relationship but i never knew your friends anyway
i never knew what you did when we werent talking and i hated it but i never thought i had the right to criticise or make you feel restricted in your friendships
you even lost your v card and i didn’t stick my nose in your business
yeah i can say shit now that i wouldnt have been able to then and its different because at that point we werent anything solid but i still dont think its right
you dont trust by shutting someone in a box and deciding that if they dont do anything you can trust them
trust is earned is proven by allowing someone in a situation when trust could be compromised to not do so and maybe from then more and more ‘risky’ situations to show that they are trustworthy
and its not like thats the only way of it
trust until they cant be trusted
and im not saying run a gauntlet of temptation with your girlfriend at the other end
but i shouldnt feel guilty for wanting to spend time with one of my oldest friends whi ive been through shit with just because his girlfriend is insecure about her relationship
(again cos this happened with bree too and i was scared to even talk to you sometimes and i still am now cos of emily and it was ok to hang out at school when bree was a thing but then when you were always off with emily i felt like i could never talk to you and then i stopped talking to you because i didnt think you cared if we were still friends or not and then you didnt try and then i didnt want to because i wanted to not care and then we’re here again wanting to catch up but we cant without a fucking chaperone and i feel bad for kinda going we wouldnt have hung out with you if we didnt have to be supervised and shit but now youre here and yes i realise it would be inapropriate to get you to come to my next piercing but theres no one else id rather be there and i dont want to do it alone)