ok so i managed to go to school today and go to art and bio and be a functioning human and go to work and everything and SEE BRODIE
which was actually great even though i had the plague and it feels like we’re real people now like we’ve actually grown up and shit not just like the fact that hes 18 now too but like emotionally
he might not agree with that but like i feel it so fuck it
and emma messaged me about the tattoo and then i told jarrod about it and then i sent brodie the explanation that i sent jarrod about the card and now i feel weird cos maybe i shouldnt have
but it was ok in the end
but here is a note from my phone
was hard for me to process because i still vaguely remember young 12 year old brodie but he is now quite fluffy and i dont know how i feel about the dark
met this chick called jess too
she though it was great how free and wild upt is and she met brodie at margaret mahy park while he was not very sober after emily
nathan saw me taking coldrex and started going on this tirade about how drugs should be legalised if only that they would be regulated and just chatting shit about kids doing drugs at school and im like to loghann all i did was whip out my cold medicine all im doing is taking decongestants

really thats all


JIMMY fucking CARR

i hate the smell of mcdonalds more than i remembered
or maybe its because i didnt like it when i came here last and that was ages ago so now i hate it more?
such a rude welcome youre busy whatever but like ok sure whatever
not like i wanted a hug hi or anything
shes lovely but must be thinking why the hell is she here with that guy again
we need to be flat out friendzoned
and you need to do something that will make me hate you a little again
why are you offended at my lack of appreciation for sauce and why are you bonding with the cashier about it
(the bit that wasnt from the note on my phone about the actual show)
i fucking loved it
the show and the company just not the crowds or the whole noticing your arm was really warm and that sometimes when i was watching the screen i felt like i was just at home with my laptop or the whole whats the weirdest thing a guy has ever asked you to do thing and the times i wish i couldve made a comment on something but only i would have found it funny or it wasnt quite appropriate because we arent together
i missed having lift fucking overpriced though
my ribs hurt from laughing so much
its been a long time since i have been that close to another human being
the guy on the other side of me had some pretty funny reactions to some of the shit that was said
i dont think i will ever look at bananas the same way again
we should do something again soon cos that was great
(the rest of the note)
i already have too many feelings
twas a good night and i really appreciate the hug goodbye considering i didnt have to ask for it for once for like the first time in a long time and it was a proper hug too
ive missed that
you have no idea how much ive missed that
(so ends the note and the rest is just my brain on full bullshit mode)
ive really missed being around him and yeah i know it wasnt much of a social thing because we spent so much time just watching the show but i function of being around people that mean a lot to me and so i had a really great time
yes there were some moments where i had to (please no dont do that contain your thoughts you know that its not gonna be possible dont go there) stop myself from feeling too coupley because that shit still feels a little normal with him which is in a way nice but also i hate it
and the push and pull moments that im sure i created in my own stupid mind but like for fucks sake
and on the way there fucking hell im a mess really
old habits die hard i guess
lets not mention the word hard

i think i actually have a bit to say

ended up with lily for six hours today which was pretty awesome and we didnt struggle to come up with shit to talk about the whole time which was great
she’s definitely someone i could live with
and considering i am so set on having my own space and being the head of a household
not for any status reasons or for wanting to lord it over anyone
but to be able to carve my niche in the world and control what goes in it where things are put what happens and why and when
but she understands that
so we wandered about the mall had some drinks and then went upstairs and chatted then we saw people we knew like jack rose sally and oscar from school and finn and molly who are amazingly still together and it kinda looked like his hair was thinning a bit made up for it with a beard though and eventually saw noah and gabe
noah said he hadnt been up to much lately and been doing nothing
excuse you but did you not say we’d hang out a lot more when i was off work? have we done so? no i think not id be down for it though
we went to inspirations where we actually ended up having a discussion about beliefs in spirituality and shit like that
like she had a feeling for a while that she was gonna lose a male member of her family and it turns out that yeah she is going to
and she’s going to come with me to the next body mind spirit festival thing which is in march maybe?
i should probably sort my nintendogs so theyre not dying if loghann comes back with me tomorrow
lily got me two straws from starbucks so when i feel shit i can blow the paper off them because for some reason that makes me ridiculously happy
we might also end up going to the uk together
theres something wrong with my nose its not broken just not functioning quite right and my right hand is kind of crampy
i used chopsticks today properly for the first time in i think ever and im actually pretty proud of that and i used my debit card for the first time in ever and it worked too… well i use it yesterday but ive tap-paid i think twice and it was epic and i felt like a god
the new piercing doesnt even hurt that much anyway
at the end of it we were just observing and commenting on all the guys that walked past us which honestly we were probably doing for more than an hour
when we were at the park after inspirations
even though mum had told me not to go outside
there were some tradie guys who kinda catcalled us as they drove in but really quietly and one of them stayed staring at us when the parked and stayed sitting in their car but then got out walked halfway towards us then went back to the car which we kinda freaked out about like what the fuck??
when i was at jels buying the usual oreo milkshake this old lady with her husband came up to lily and i asking if we wanted to use the last $5.50 that was on the giftcard that she had and she was Scottish and it was beautiful and she was awesome and it was honestly the nicest thing a stranger has done for me and so i had the majority of my milkshake shouted by a lovely Scottish lady and her giftcard which ive kept the empty card for a keepsake to remind me of a strangers kindness

rant about your unhealthy(?) relationship

not necessarily unhealthy but im commenting on what little i know and i dont like it
you may have a shit track record with being in stable relationships
you may also be shit at being emotionally stable
you may also have a hard time with keeping your emotions to one person
that doesnt mean she should dictate who you can and cant spend time with
do you say she cant hang out with guys or tell her that you dont trust her with friends that are boys?
i cant imagine that you would
so when she isnt ok with you hanging out with your best friend who is a chick i dont see how thats fair
sure i dont know if i would trust you or not but i have never tried to attack your friendships
and yeah when it got to a point where i might not have been ok with some people you hung out with we werent in an actual relationship but i never knew your friends anyway
i never knew what you did when we werent talking and i hated it but i never thought i had the right to criticise or make you feel restricted in your friendships
you even lost your v card and i didn’t stick my nose in your business
yeah i can say shit now that i wouldnt have been able to then and its different because at that point we werent anything solid but i still dont think its right
you dont trust by shutting someone in a box and deciding that if they dont do anything you can trust them
trust is earned is proven by allowing someone in a situation when trust could be compromised to not do so and maybe from then more and more ‘risky’ situations to show that they are trustworthy
and its not like thats the only way of it
trust until they cant be trusted
and im not saying run a gauntlet of temptation with your girlfriend at the other end
but i shouldnt feel guilty for wanting to spend time with one of my oldest friends whi ive been through shit with just because his girlfriend is insecure about her relationship
(again cos this happened with bree too and i was scared to even talk to you sometimes and i still am now cos of emily and it was ok to hang out at school when bree was a thing but then when you were always off with emily i felt like i could never talk to you and then i stopped talking to you because i didnt think you cared if we were still friends or not and then you didnt try and then i didnt want to because i wanted to not care and then we’re here again wanting to catch up but we cant without a fucking chaperone and i feel bad for kinda going we wouldnt have hung out with you if we didnt have to be supervised and shit but now youre here and yes i realise it would be inapropriate to get you to come to my next piercing but theres no one else id rather be there and i dont want to do it alone)

more of scotland

went to minigolf with dad and rebecca and it wasnt so bad
it was the place over the other side of riccarton market where you can always see the castle

(fuck instagram and also fuck me for turning his notifications on)(also dont say fuck me when talking about charles he might die…. or just think i mean it as a friend)
from the carpark and i didnt do too well even though i can second two behind dad and eight ahead of rebecca but i ended up being (honestly while trying to count i started going through the months im broken) twenty four over par for the course
offered any assistance to Ethan
also discovered that Alena’s brother who i was aware was there but i made an effort not to pay attention to because i didnt want to stare and some random guy it pretty hecking emo from the one photo on facebook
need to sleep because i feel like shit
going to bus in the evening
and meet loghann at the exchange at five

Of all the people

so ya know how i was going on about how i didnt want to see anyone i knew at work
it was probably one of the most awkward ones too cos its not like we can talk about it
so i got there early of course because i get everywhere early and ended up bagging cutlery
then eventually went to tai tapu which was weird because i had to go back past home to get there
had a little bit of a struggle trying to find the place and then had a bit of a struggle getting everything out on time with managing all the meats getting cut up and things plated up and all that
we also didnt have any of the gel burners other than one for the gravy which burnt itself out anyway because it was so empty
then i saw the human
twas Charles
i thought maybe someone from halswell because its close by
but no
and i couldnt say anything to him because i was working its not like we both just happened to be there it was i happened to be working and he happened to be a guest
served him food and it was awkward.. he said ‘maze’ though and later on offered me a chocolate but that was about it
things went ok i guess after the burners and meat being a little late
there were people shooting clay pigeons and at one point im pretty sure he was too but its not like i could look
we didnt have shelter so standing out in the heat and i was burning like literally burning my feet are burnt my arms are burnt my elbow has voids where it burnt around where my fingers had been and my face and the back of my neck are burnt
im just hoping my face clears up before camp im not too bothered about the rest of me but its my face that im not wanting to be burnt
i wish we could go back to how we were before he cut me off
he just didnt want to have feelings and i get that but also i dont
like i understand not wanting to have feelings for someone when you think theyre going to hurt you or not like you back but i dont understand trying to cut off feelings for someone who reciprocates them
my fongers on my right hand are a little bit numb
Chloe dropped me home which was really great of her and now im going to go back tomorrow and do all the dishes that i made today
or probably not there were dishwashers there this evening but hey who knows
honestly i dont think working three days in a row for them is going to work well for me especially if im working at school for one of them and when mum needs to drop me there

do i have feelings or am i just lonely

also jarrod keeps adding an x to his messages even though we havent talked in ages and i thought he was having a thing with that girl he went to the vegan expo with or something
up early
danced to old rock and roll for ages and was actually having a good time
then left
then he was late
was panic messaging brodie as a stress relief dunno if it worked
went straight into the theatre
was good
still like marvel movies better
kept the tickets
food and chat
bus back to halswell/aidenfield
was vair late to work
mum and i not good
he says we are gonna hang out more because he’ll be bored
do i have legitimate feels? will i develop legitimate feels? would it be a terrible idea to develop gelitimate feels? am i mistaking past feelings for current ones? do i know how to be friends with boys without developing feels?
that last one i can answer
basically no
i dont know how
i cant
thats just not how things work for me
i am an emotional being
i work on feelings and impulses and the vibes of things
he is science
no likey


not really but thats what the girl in my book is
not a lizard
but able to change what kind of supernatural she is which is literally what i dream of existing because i can never decide between what i would rather be
not the point but like im also going to be changing my hair colour again tomorrow
and also going shopping after
so i even called zaks this morning walked down there and
shit i need to check my emails
dee needs to send me paperwork and i need braden to reply about if theres going to be a meeting on thursday
which he hasnt but to be fair i did send it out of school hours
i think my skin is getting worse especially on my hands or more noticable to me at least
at work i took out my tunnels which i hate doing because i dont want to lose what i spent a lot of money and a year of my life doing and pain and pain and pain and almost passing out on the tiles of te bathroom floor
also took my lip one out which kinda sucked because every time i felt for it with my teeth it wasnt there and like ive been doing that for more than two years its part of me now and it sucked having it gone
brodie tagged his mum in a post about 19 cent avocados i have never seen a better son
i talked to noah today
why though is his name like the best name to write?
how about hi
nope nope nope i cant
right anyway back to i dont even know what this even is anymore


i have the worst pins and needles right now im dying and the headache that goes with it fucks sakes
i just found out that the song thing jacob taught me was from my little pony
the whole when youve bungled all your bangles thing yeah from my little pony
im a little pissed to be honest but you know only retrospectively
there was interesting nintendo shit going down today
i was right in thinking that i should have mentioned it to jess to bring hers but she will be bringing it tomorrow but i need to bring my charger
this is the kind of nintendo gang i wanted when i was 10 or 11 like this was my dream like hanging out in a group all sharing games with download and play like this was the dream and now its happening
also i bought two games of ebay today which ive said to mum are presents that jess is getting sent here instead of her family seeing them if they get delivered to her place but like im getting two games for less than $20 plus shipping like thats amazing considering when i was first getting games they cost like my most expensive at the time when they were still expensive (before the 3DS came out and the normal cartridge prices dropped) was $48 ( i did get 20% off at the time) IT WAS RIDICULOUS
there was another for $28 the others dont have prices on them, i was given them or were after the huge price drop (down to $15 and $9 for those two)
I just opened the eragon game case and turns out id written inside it
“that day with noah yashbir and anthony when we saw brodie at EB games the first new game since scribblenauts that brodie gave me”
and i think its still my most recently new game before the two i bought today (petz monkey and puppy families (the puppy one i had as one of my very first games that i then sold back to be able to buy nintendogs) for a fraction of the price they would have cost new and thyere without cases but whatever) and i do remember the day i got it which is possibly the last time i ever really went in to an eb games except for that other time i went with noah……
it has the date on the case so i might actually be able to find in an old diary what i wrote about it or even on this blog??? i have a feeling its something along the lines of i kept feeling like i could go over to brodie and put my chin on his shoulder but i couldnt because we werent together anymore i think i hid behind noah the whole time


” and the guy I kinda, sorta, maybe like (Noah) and we went to the mcdonalds and then the mall. We went a couple of places but when we went to EB games that was when things got worse, well really difficult, for me at least. Brodie was there. I wanted to go up to him and put my chin on his shoulder like I always used to, I don’t know it it was from habit or if I like him again. I say again because I know he stopped. I distracted myself and bought the Eragon nintendo game which I’ve wanted for a long time but never found it. I can’t really be bothered writing anymore about what happened today or yesterday because I’m just in one of those moods”

you can see how very very different things were back then how i wrote and shit
i was actually thinking about noah today for whatever reason i think i was talking to jess about him… it was possible that it had something to do with sex (not directly connecting noah to sex like fuck no—t anymore….. im not even funny though) or like not wanting to be with a guy that was smaller than you?
the bedes boys on her bus that i was joking about her getting with and then to get with them to see if they had attractive brothers and then it was not wanting to be with a guy smaller than you and then i think i mentioned brodie which then got the the amazing fact that he messaged me with literally no provocation yesterday and then him maybe or maybe not coming back to school next yeah and if i would miss him or not cos i dont even see him now anyways and then from missing him to missing noah

I need to not be so fucking attached (maybe this was actually the becca finale + rejection from all sides)

(myself included)
honestly ive felt like shit since talking to Charles yesterday afternoon
the only way ive been ok is reading
i will need a constant supply of new books until ive gotten over him
which needs to happen very soon
because there was a bird outside my window that sounded like him and i almost cried
ive cried too much today
at least ive managed to stay hydrated (thanks to donating blood this morning) that it hasnt given me a headache
i had to take of the new necklace because i felt like that had something to do with me being so emotional and it might have actually helped
i read the last thunder road novel and it connects to the other series that she (katie mcgarry) wrote with issiah and rachel and the cars and echo and noah and everything
it was great but also sad because with books like these theres no question that thyere gonna end up together so my lonely little heart cant steal them for a little while
also i have no real wifi right now so i cant even watch simon or will to make me feel better or even fresh meat so im just stuck reading till all my books are gone and trying to sleep away as much time as i can to avoid thinking about him
im feeling way too much for this guy and he has no clue about anything
lily says he told her he only likes me as a friend but wasnt very convincing about it and that doesnt actually change how i feel cos im in a shit mood to begin with
would have been a hell of a lot worse if he’d said it himself
and like i just said to lily i keep relying on other people to put me in a better mood at the moment because all this shit with becca (and then catherine even though literally nothing has happened with her but im a paranoid and jealous little bitch cos if nothing has happened with me over almost two months then nothing will happen with her over a few days) has just drained me ability to be ok when im on my own and i keep getting too attached to people
and keep spelling attached wrong the first try
this rando called Lloyd (honestly who names their kid that) started messaging me
so yeah becca messaged me conversation went as follows
B: hannah idk if youll ever forgive me but i hope youll look past it one day and move on from whats happened and im really sorry
me: (getting a lil emotional and pissed about it and actually letting it show for once during this whole thing) i dont have shit to say to you until youre ready to admit what youve lied about and apologised for it
B: well i guess we wont be ever sorting it out so i guess bye forever
me: (admittedly wanting to be a bitch cos its fun and im sick of her and starting to not care about her feelings but also wanting to keep the upper hand but knowing shes to dumb to properly understand what im trying to do) oh no its sorted we stopped being friends the second you told me you had never lied to me then continued to lie about it. you have bought this on yourself when you couldve ended it that night but didnt. we had a great time but now because of you its over. even though its ended shit im glad that i still made friends like samantha melissa and charles because of it. so yeah goodbye. (had to blame her had to bring charles into it)
me: *resets every custom thing on messenger (both our nicknames set the emoji and colours back to default*
B: fine ok bye

i still managed not to outright swear at her and keep it civil and mostly mature
also confessed to lily what a shit time i was having at the moment
i have nothing to say to charles and it hurts a little
also im scared to talk to him
also bought up the subject of tattoos with mum and she wants me to talk to becky about it
i just want to get it done