and why are all my post titles in capitals and also why after like three years or something am i still bad at titles?
that was a lot of questions
so i woke up early and wasn’t even mad about it
didn’t have to bus there because mum dropped me off (did home thought but thats an entirely different story that ill get to later)
the people were there as soon as i was with was fine
george was really late thought like an hour
and so i met beccas twin and charles for the first time
and he had a black eye
and the first thing i said to him was you were mean to me on the internet
which was weird
i don’t really know what to say about all the other stuff but they were all really great
we found melissa a bit after i got there
went to the warehouse and that was ok except they specifically charles were being disruptive to my very sensitive everyone is judging me and the people I’m around mentality
melissa was all over him and he let her which still confuses me
so we talked and whatever hung out sat around had no personal space i need to remember the present for becca tomorrow
the earrings
from australia
as in i need to find them now in the drawer that i can never really find things in in the dark
great plan hannah
anyway i think charles is a very tactile person
does that mean what i mean it to mean?
i know what i mean though
i feel kinda sick
hes cute not exactly as looks but as a person
so theres not really much specifically to mention until the last bit in pacnsave where he kinda hugged/held/somethinged me and it was weird and i said something like i almost licked him and then he said something else and i said maybe later
then he tazed me when we were walking and because i really wasn’t expecting it i actually yelped and kinda screamed a little which was really embarrassing
that was the weirdest weird it got but the other stuff was weird but not strange weird or weird weird just not like me weird
like i don’t know how to hit on guys and i don’t know how to make a move and i guess i kinda did some things but like i dunno
i think I’m getting week before period cramps or I’ve just eaten weird today
im aso getting pretty tired cos its actually taken me ages to write this
so lets get to the part i want to talk about
the other girls left and caught the bus together
the twin hugged him and george before she left which was the first time he had been hugged like that
george left and did george things
and that left charles and i trying to figure out who was busing where and how and all that
i didn’t want to cross the road not at the crossing place and he joked about holding my hand and then did while we crossed the road
it was weird but not bad and he kept telling me i had soft hands
after a decision he went with me on the orbiter to riccarton as in past school which i then had to bus back to and yeah it was good we didn’t run out of things to talk about and he was funny and it was cool
and then he poked me and i had a weird twitch and smashed my wrist on the back of the seat in front of me and he was in hysterics and it was cute
and then i was scared he was gonna do it again so i put my hands over his to stop him and then we ended up holding hands but it was right in right so it was kinda weird and i don’t know why i was so ok with it but it felt right and not weird but it as weird because it wasn’t weird
on like the first day i met him and lonely little me is basically planning our marriage for next month
not really but like i go way too much into what is really nothing cos as i said i only met him today and even though we spent like 6 hours together its not very long
so he came to riccarton with me and it as good and we kinda held hands again and he was being cute and awkward but also really funny and conversation was easy and i was having a good time
and then the bus came and he had to go
when he left he hugged me like he wanted to be there
as in like the second time he’d properly hugged a girl but like shiiiiiiit man all i can compare it to is how hugs from brodie have been lately like the minimum length while still being considered a hug but charles actually did the proper hug thing and it was great and i was happy except for the fact he was leaving
and that is that
i don’t know what will happen and i don’t know if anything will even happen but we kinda all want to hang out again and it has the potential for greatness
but i don’t actually think i can tell becca about it
i did tell lily though

Faultline – Edition 17 (ask me if I’m a fireman)

so the reality of taking my dreads out and washing my hair and putting them back in was staying up till one in the morning
but i talked to jarrod a little but got pissed when he called me beautiful like dude no stop i know youre too attached but think youre an acceptable amount of attached but i don’t like you and haven’t liked you since i broke up with you the first time
and i has done so much art my brain is melting and i don’t want to look at a piece of paper or paint or anything slightly related to politics till ever but i have to on monday because that was part of the agreement with holly that i have set times in mentoring to do art which is monday and friday mornings now because of the half hour slots being stupid for trying to do anything
so i worked through from 9 till a bit after break when i went to louise’s homebase and loghann was there because she was bunking her course which was great for me but not so great for her course
then went back to set for an actual class and didn’t really talk to holly about anything i was doing and just did it
had a break and went to the cafe halfway through class and should not have bought a lift but did anyway but money goes in on wednesday and i shouldn’t be spending anything in the weekend or any other time in the week because I’m going to behave for once
i still feel like I’m wearing my thumb ring which i had to change to a middle finger ring at faultline because when i clapped it fell off
so there was more art after lunch but what really matters is THAT I WON ANOTHER GAME OF SWEET VALLEY HIGH
even though alena was messing with me on the turns that she was doing on loghann’s behalf which se wouldnt have done if she was there taking her own turns but despite that i still managed to win
sophie was playing at the beginning but had to go to a mentoring thing i think
but yeah after playing it so many times i finally managed to win a second game
the bus was whatever except
except except
the boy the boy conor was there again because they had an earlier bus yesterday? so i saw him then and i was on the later one today so i didn’t have to rush our of school for work
and then brooke got on at the next stop and she saw my hair and had kinda the same reaction as kitty had and conor got really confused cos she was looking in his direction because me diagonally behind him
(i am a human focused human allow the excessive recounting of human interactions)
and that was it for the whole thing
then faultline where i talked to gabby outside which she smoked and it was pretty cool really that we could actually talked but by that point i had already started shaking and it wasn’t just the cold
then talked to other humans like?? me social?? ben wasn’t there which was kinda sad haven’t seen him in a couple months but there was another guy but i can’t remember his name and doroteia (she mentioned he may have been trying to impress a girl) and josh
so people
and we whipped out the “poofy thing” which were really just kinda footrest things but not quite like the quarter circles at school but squares and me and my red fake suedeish one were very happy with ourselves except for being kinda alone
went to hang out at the entrance and then people came and i went to suggest/ambassador about the workshops and we all talked and whatever
i had my square and then josh sat next to me and the square felt comfortably the right size for two people who have never really talked before but are aware of each other because poems have been read and such and it was good
i read second josh seventh? eighth? and teia was very last
alice did ask if i wanted to guest poet but it was a definite no
the candle still makes my room smell like almost ice-cream
i find it interesting what people click at
and when they’re in my peripheral and all the body language and movement at that ya know? its fascinating especially with particularly interesting people just observing
brodie said he was probably going but didn’t
i talked to the new guy and i feel really bad for not remembering his name
but we had some good pieces of conversations and listening to him and josh was cool too like i didn’t feel weird about not contributing anything because there wasn’t space to and i got everything they were saying and sometimes its just nice to listen to people talk and breathe it all in and not say anything
i was still shaking the whole time except when i was on the stage reading which was weird
but yeah shaking was fun
everyone who read was cool and even the people who didn’t read were cool too
troy read read (didn’t actually read but like yeah) the one that i know all the words to
darling you are intoxicating and I’ve been knocked flat but id give an arm and a leg just to get my heart and head back
that one
that i may have mouthed all the words along with him
and it was good
we loitered inside we loitered outside
i loitered alone
that was it
why am i still awake
stuff is happening tomorrow


first day backkkkkkk
and i don’t really know what to say
saw people in louise’s homebase before purple and they had some pretty good reactions to my hair
saw miriam too she’s back and loves the dreads
watched youtube for the first time in what feels like a lot longer than it actually was and went on a little rampage through button poetry because i didn’t want to watch interstellar and also i was in a poet-y mood because of the workshop being in the afternoon
brodie came in late as usual and he didn’t say anything to me so after a while i poked him in the leg and waved and that was it basically
he doesn’t like the dreads
idc he never likes anything i do with my hair fuck him
i wonder how the whole being hoe thing is going
but also i don’t want to ask because i don’t want details
found some new stuff i like
then class was over and to community which wasn’t so bad
i think the whole school thing isn’t so bad because I’m actually doing something and I’m enjoying not being bored no matter what I’m doing i guess
break i went and got a lift with becca which was ok and we talked about stuff
then art which wasn’t so bad because i actually kinda tried an idea that i wanted to for a while like along the lines of falling into a voting booth and being smothered with politics which turned into three things with the three prime ministers that have held the position when I’ve been alive (except for whoever was in before helen clark because she was elected in the year of my birth but i only just realised that there would’ve been a couple months when it was someone else not her) and like ending up in a corner and then in a waterfall of red and blue dye(?) and then with vines then the hiding behind the polling booth
so thats that
had lunch took photos went to mentoring for art
art isn’t good for mentoring i need more than half an hour to do anything worth getting stuck into like i could on fridays but like other days not so much on a normal day its more for yellow and pbl
then there was efs where we have a new student teacher which i don’t like as much as sharnae but mostly because she isn’t sharnae and for no real reason
i don’t really know what we actually did though
talked about some stuff and i left 20 mins early
there was a really interesting guy on my bus like a cool guy like alt af and great and he was in the 2m can’t look distance which was sad
(brodie says being a hoe is going good and i feel gross)
that just killed my mood
i should not ask questions i don’t want the answers to
i don’t learn
but i wrote and observation thing about the guy which is weird but i also kinda like it though i only liked it while i was writing it and looking back on it i havens read it again so i can’t be sure
so i guess i have to more onto all the to tuam st shit
caught the but there was the guy he got off at the exchange got off at the stop and walked till i was sure i was in the right place
then wandered around the other streets to kill time because it was like half an hour till four still or a bit more so i went on an adventure
there was a guy on a bike that may have said something to me but i had my music in and he was leering at me in like a really gross way and kept looking back at me to the point where i thought he was going to stop and actually try and talk to me
but he didn’t and i kept talking i found the little dairy place and then down the road corner of tuam and nursery(?) rd was a bigger dairy and i got another lift which i probably shouldn’t have gotten
(stop trying to talk to him he doesn’t care)
(like seriously stop youre going to end up making yourself feel worse)
i wore purple lipstick today??
so people were there
i knew all of them from school (jessi) and faultline and rising voices (troy is the only guy and yes I’m disappointed theres no others like ben or josh goys who write are interesting)
we did the whole explain your name origin and why we write thing and it does really feel like rising voices
writing activity was cool was like the other ones we did where sarcasm became fear
might be doing a thing next thursday??
but stop was a while
bus was fine and i thought of noah
wrote about him too
and other weird stuff too
started a patchwork poem with all the noah stuff and i don’t know if its going to work
i invited him to faultline on facebook don’t know if he’ll see it or go if he does but i did it when i was at riccarton station then 100 home was the really nice lady driver who i used to get sometimes on the way home last year
i decided that since i don’t take rest days with the app i can take rest days when i feel like i need them which was today with everything I’ve done
i think i need to wash my hair and dreads tomorrow night and ya know put them in nice for friday
but then they get fluffy in the weekend so I’m not sure
i still feel kinda sunburnt which is weird
i don’t know whats going on
and now I’ve run out of things to say


its not a word but i did it
went to the bank and stuff
bought a cd and some candles
read through my old notebooks and tried to fid a book had that gives me everything i want out of a book at the moment but i don’t have one
brodie broke up with bree
bucket boy is stuck in my brain
the new candles are passionfruit that doesn’t actually smell like passionfruit
and vanilla cream that smells like ice-cream

i totally forgot about the breakdown i had last night because of my book and then i couldn’t stop crying so i messaged brodie and he didn’t reply for ages so i messaged jarrod an it was the first time id ever talked to him while i was in anything less than an ok mood and i was certainly not ok at the time like bawling my eyes out and he was real nice about it but then too nice and it was really awkward when i was trying to not say no but get him to tone it down a bit
then i was talking to brodie and had a decent conversation about his feelings for once and it kinda just sounded how it was for me and i want to message bree and ask if she’s ok but it would be definitely taken the wrong way and EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE BREAKING UP WITH EVERYONE THESE HOLIDAYS
and I’m still single and lonely


so i said things to people that i needed to say and brodie and i actually had a decent conversation before i suggested we do something then he said bree wouldnt like us doing something alone and then i was kinda annoyed because even after everything and me for once not liking him and the fact he has a girlfriend we still need supervision to hang out
its fucked
had a good talk to lily too
then later on becca messaged me just past midnight and said happy birthday
even though it wasn’t official til 3:15 so a couple hours later but still no one knows that
year nine ten and eleven me is having a meltdown and i accidentally called him cute
he might become and army boy
need to get back on track
so woke up at an actually decent time
mum was just leaving i was up for a while before rebecca got up then mum and i went to the crematorium and a couple of supermarkets and the warehouse
then home for pikelets but i had real bad cramps set in and then i did the normal workout plus an extra abs one and it fixed it
this is the longest conversation I’ve had with him since he thought i was becca
talking about life and shit
did presents
had some great messages from people
like toby which was unexpected but cool
posted a couple photos of my actual day of birth on instagram
and now talking
its been a good day
except for the cramps
fucking period

Last day of being 17

i think i should say some things about turning 18
maybe write a poem about it
but i have other shit to say first before i get too sentimental
and as usual a bit heavy on the mental side
i also think i might message some certain people stuff i think is kinda important
but ill get to that
basically i woke up and then ended up in a rush because rebecca and i were going to lunch with dad
while i was in the shower i was thinking that its my first birthday without grandma and grand-dad and that I’m turning 18 and i miss them and i never really mourned either of them and theres so much grand-dad hasn’t seen of my life and there will be so much to come that the won’t be there for and so i asked mum if we can go to the crematorium tomorrow
wrote something for the boy
then went to lunch at denny’s the place of gods and had nachos as usual and talked a bit but dad and rebecca did a lot of the talking about driving and stuff but when i did make comments on stuff i felt more like myself and i didn’t feel weird about it except for feeling weird about how it didn’t feel weird
wrote something for the wife
then at home i didn’t really do much but sit on youtube and think about stuff
i painted my nails and
im an idiot
did the workout and stretched a pathetically little amount
and I’m almost finished all my dreads and i think i might make it to forty
in before i don’t have enough dreads to finish all my hair
i might be able to steal some of the purple ones from my other set if that happens and if i can find some thin ones
and one for jarrod
i feel like it could be considered leading him on? but i don’t think he’s in an emotional state to be lead so does it matter?
i don’t really know if i have anyone else to say anything to

i think what I’m saying in the things to these people is basically all i need to say to go I’m done with being seventeen and i can be a little bit different and a little bit better starting from tomorrow
and i know some things will still stay the same like how I’m not going to be confident doing some things on my own or with my art and my writing for school stuff but i can’t just change everything overnight

I’m grateful for everything that has happened and how its impacted me as a person and who i am now and what i want to do with my life because of it and I’m even more grateful that after everything we’re friends again and i care about you a hell of a lot more than i do for the majority of other people in the world and i hope you have hope for your future and manage to do whatever it is you end up wanting to achieve.. love you man :3

wife wife wife wife wife i love you a hell of a lot and I’m proud of you for everything you’ve done so far and can’t wait to see everything else you do with your life because its going to be amazing because youre amazing and ill be here for you whenever you need me and i hope we can still manage to see each other even though I’m crap at making plans and then actually doing them but i swear next weekend if youre free we’ll do something

heyyyyyyy so i know we don’t always have much to talk about and sometimes conversations just end out of nowhere but I’m really grateful that after everything we can still talk and i can almost promise that oneway ill fly over and something will happen because we need to be weird in person at least once in our lives and I’m glad that i made an account on that stupid site and then messaged you back x

I’m getting old and when you get to my age things that used to mean a whole load and were so important get put into perspective a little bit

tomorrow i’ll be eighteen

so basically its easy till you think about it

the brodie thing
its fine till i go this is fine and then how is this fine whats going on and think about it
also basically everything can be made into a reference to something that happened over the past four years which is shit
like i like remembering the stuff i don’t regret it but sometimes its awkward and happens at the wrong moments
i don’t really know what else to say but I’m glad i spent time with him today
and I’m so happy about it cos I’ve been waiting for so so long to do it
i dunno whats going on
and i don’t think I’m ok

lol what two posts in one day

uncle Kade MVP (heard him sing ok allow me)
anyway she said she was too shy to talk to me cos we haven’t talked in ages
i wonder if she remembers the homeless people thing
i said basically the same back
i don’t know if it was actually that i was shy or nervous but i was kinda pissed (not literally but like (brodie hmu i trust ya) idk lets not go there) i didn’t really have any emotional backup and felt shit cos just like i don’t like it i don’t and i resent her but not personally like id have the same feelings for anyone else in her position and theres always gonna be the oh she’s better than me because if you strip it right back he picked her over me
and i don’t get why this is so emotional??? not really emotional but I’m thinking through it a lot
cos maybe i don’t usually have to face it and i can usually forget he’s got a girlfriend
just found a compilation of tessa dancing and I’ve actually seen her before this is fucking mental also wanting to go and to the thing but can’t because no confidence ahahahahahahhashit
basically nothing happened ok
that was all the eventfulness that happened
thats is

I’m scared of answering facebook messages

guitar was ok rebecca came but I’m considering not going back next term
then school was fine did some art made some backgrounds
need to make sure i do stuff during the weekend and the holidays especially
then went home early because i wasn’t really doing anything and then caught the early bus with all the st T’s boys and i was the only girl on a full standing bus
the was a small foreign kid that two other boys were making fun of i think I’ve mentioned one of them in one of my phone notes before and then the other was an older guy and they mentioned their ages but thats when i started listening and didn’t catch it
where this whole thing is going is…
(well i just read the messages from Alice and it took a couple minutes to process LIKE ACTUALLY WOULD NOT HAVE EXPECTED THAT TO BE A THING)
the kid they were making fun of not mean fun but bro fun said something about the older dude being rich cos of his phone then something else then said something to me and i wasn’t really sure what it was and i kinda just rolled my eyes and they laughed a weird lots about it and i don’t really know what happened
so it took me a while to decide if i was going to faultline because of the guest list (its not a guest list but whatever its the people that have said they’re going or interested) but i made the decision to go pretty last minute and almost didn’t have time to straighten my hair
glad i did because the great line ‘your hair is straighter than i am’ came about thanks to jessi who was there with a boy that she has a thing with and its a cute adorable thing and its great for them and I’m happy for her (it helps that he said he loved my hair and we said and did the same thing at the same time a couple times)
i think i caught my belly button piercing on my belt a couple times which hurt but i think its ok.. in before it has a fucking implosion and gets infected
bree read something she’d written about her mother and i didn’t really know what to expect from her except something depressing and mental health related so i was kinda right
kept accidentally looking at him
dressed like maze so actually felt a little good about myself for once
i wasn’t going to read but i took my book anyway incase i changed my mind which i did and ended up going second to last (thought i was going to be last but ok) and yeah it happened
the vibe was better than last month more people even though people didn’t click or clap as much as they used to but i got a bit more and i felt kinda good about what i was reading which was the one that starts with and then he called me beautiful and ends with part of the poem Mike wrote
i was pissed at myself and kinda everyone so i decided to read and i was going to read a really brodie centred one but then decided against it because I’m good with him at the moment and didn’t wanna piss about also felt a little bad for bree if i did like who wants to hear someone talking shit about the guy youre with especially since he said it was a little iffy at the moment (didn’t look like it to me but ok)
there was a point where i was considering the “i am not a victim of abuse” poem but was not a good thing considering all the things i just said
saw sam too which was kinda weird
just found more proof that id actually seen josh perform before
so i read and kinda enjoyed it
a couple people said they liked it
got lovely hugs form Alice (also when i got there brodie was walking out and i didn’t pay attention to who he was with and hugged him while falling down the stairs was a great time) and she said i had the power to ban either of them from the after school workshop and honestly that would be great but its not fair and i don’t know if ill even be able to make it because of work
but she also messaged me after and said the thing that really surprised me and i don’t really wanna say it because ill feel bad if he reads this even though he probably won’t and if he started probably wouldnt have gotten this far because damn this is messy
she said something that implied i was threatening and yeah it was a surprise because i know its coming from someone with low self-esteem and insecurities but whatever like i kinda get it sure but also i don’t like i don’t matter at all man like who’s he dating? not me ok so calm down cos I’m am and forever will be the ex with the messy fucked up problematic relationship and thats all
we aren’t ever going to be more than that again
he said he liked the bit about holly and dan and it made him laugh
then there was food and thats it
i started writing something