mum and i really aren’t getting along

school wasn’t great
I’m going to pull out of the assessment thats due tomorrow for EFS
and probably out of the class altogether
and then ill just have bio and art and english
i feel sick
like bloated kinda feeling and its not fun
had a 1-1
went with kirsty to talk to brent about the unit standard and he doesn’t know how possible it is for me to do it
yesterday was a mufti day for st thomas of cantebury and billy was cute
but anyway
barely talked to anyone today
didn’t have becca or charles to message cos they were at course
but it seems like on saturday we’re all meeting up again
i don’t know why we aren’t making plans in a group chat but ok
i dunno
mum and i are still arguing
the performance tonight at CoCA was kinda shit there was basically no one there and it was lame and was pretty much a nonevent
i feel like shit
and i feel like crying
and brodie was at school today? i thought he had course but ok
he hasn’t talked to me even thought last night he said he would try not to not talk to me for so long

paramedics?

so the morning was ok i suppose
then we had a health talk and becca passed out and i stayed with her through all the blankets falling asleep ambulance dude and sick bay shit
libby thought charles and i were dating and becca said if we were she’d slap both of us
like excuse me are you going to hit me for being happy?
talked to him a lot today
poetry was ok
we all decided that we wanted to write today not talk about editing
i wrote something that people really liked
and i didn’t know how i felt about it really
then at the riccarton interchange i was waiting inside for my bus and then brodie came in
and i didn’t really care either way?
like i wasn’t happy to see him like i would have been like a couple weeks ago
and i wasn’t pissed either it just was
which i feel kinda bad about but like its been more than a week that I’ve been going I’m not going to message him because he’s just a dick to me and is he even going to message me if i don’t message him first and the answer was obviously not
charles can be a bit blonde sometimes
but he’s cute so ill allow it
but anyway brodie said he had been listening to stormzy and i is proud
but like thats it
whatever

eh?

i think i might have passed the internal
i found a unit standard i can do with my poetry i just need to find someone to assess it
been talking to charles most of the day
becca had a bit of a meltdown
mum and i aren’t great right now
i don’t know what else to say

thanks mum for just draining away all the happiness about the fact that i just kinda got asked on a date and thats really kind of you thanks so much I’m really enjoying this argument we’ve been having
theres nothing really to say about school
I’ve been talking to charles and it hasn’t been hard to talk to him even messaging and like thats one of my biggest weaknesses
thats it really

WHY DOES EVERYTHING SEEM TO ALWAYS HAPPEN AROUND A BUS

and why are all my post titles in capitals and also why after like three years or something am i still bad at titles?
that was a lot of questions
so i woke up early and wasn’t even mad about it
didn’t have to bus there because mum dropped me off (did home thought but thats an entirely different story that ill get to later)
the people were there as soon as i was with was fine
george was really late thought like an hour
and so i met beccas twin and charles for the first time
and he had a black eye
and the first thing i said to him was you were mean to me on the internet
which was weird
i don’t really know what to say about all the other stuff but they were all really great
we found melissa a bit after i got there
went to the warehouse and that was ok except they specifically charles were being disruptive to my very sensitive everyone is judging me and the people I’m around mentality
melissa was all over him and he let her which still confuses me
so we talked and whatever hung out sat around had no personal space i need to remember the present for becca tomorrow
the earrings
from australia
as in i need to find them now in the drawer that i can never really find things in in the dark
great plan hannah
done
anyway i think charles is a very tactile person
does that mean what i mean it to mean?
i know what i mean though
i feel kinda sick
hes cute not exactly as looks but as a person
so theres not really much specifically to mention until the last bit in pacnsave where he kinda hugged/held/somethinged me and it was weird and i said something like i almost licked him and then he said something else and i said maybe later
then he tazed me when we were walking and because i really wasn’t expecting it i actually yelped and kinda screamed a little which was really embarrassing
that was the weirdest weird it got but the other stuff was weird but not strange weird or weird weird just not like me weird
like i don’t know how to hit on guys and i don’t know how to make a move and i guess i kinda did some things but like i dunno
i think I’m getting week before period cramps or I’ve just eaten weird today
im aso getting pretty tired cos its actually taken me ages to write this
so lets get to the part i want to talk about
the other girls left and caught the bus together
the twin hugged him and george before she left which was the first time he had been hugged like that
george left and did george things
and that left charles and i trying to figure out who was busing where and how and all that
i didn’t want to cross the road not at the crossing place and he joked about holding my hand and then did while we crossed the road
it was weird but not bad and he kept telling me i had soft hands
after a decision he went with me on the orbiter to riccarton as in past school which i then had to bus back to and yeah it was good we didn’t run out of things to talk about and he was funny and it was cool
and then he poked me and i had a weird twitch and smashed my wrist on the back of the seat in front of me and he was in hysterics and it was cute
and then i was scared he was gonna do it again so i put my hands over his to stop him and then we ended up holding hands but it was right in right so it was kinda weird and i don’t know why i was so ok with it but it felt right and not weird but it as weird because it wasn’t weird
AND I HELD HANDS WITH A BOY
on like the first day i met him and lonely little me is basically planning our marriage for next month
not really but like i go way too much into what is really nothing cos as i said i only met him today and even though we spent like 6 hours together its not very long
so he came to riccarton with me and it as good and we kinda held hands again and he was being cute and awkward but also really funny and conversation was easy and i was having a good time
and then the bus came and he had to go
when he left he hugged me like he wanted to be there
as in like the second time he’d properly hugged a girl but like shiiiiiiit man all i can compare it to is how hugs from brodie have been lately like the minimum length while still being considered a hug but charles actually did the proper hug thing and it was great and i was happy except for the fact he was leaving
and that is that
i don’t know what will happen and i don’t know if anything will even happen but we kinda all want to hang out again and it has the potential for greatness
but i don’t actually think i can tell becca about it
i did tell lily though

THE LAST DAY OF HELL

not really hell but like close enough because of like the whole no real wifi thing
also i was awake too early this morning
hamish was using machinery and now we are just as bad as the asshole neighbour with his stupid deck and early morning power tools
trying to make plane with becca
i got really really bored

i think i woke up better this morning

but then not really because i still ended up almost late
managed though
a couple of days ago i started a list of all the bad things that happen to me like not just things that annoy me or the absence of something happening but an actual bad thing
so not almost missing the bus but actually missing the bus kinda thing
so its a pretty short list for only being around a few days and maybe it helps me realise that some things don’t matter as much?
I’m trying mot to swear as much and i mentioned it to jenny and now she gives me a look if i come close to
I’m ahead of alena in word cookies or i was when we let school
i figured out a little bit of an alphabetical trick which i don’t really know if it helps yet
i don’t know what else to mention
rebecca is home for the weekend and the wifi is back on sunday
when i got home from school i had to walk into the truck delivering stuff to the now dug up front lawn and then on the way out to work i had to walk into it again
the lawn is not lawn anymore

i don’t feel like posting right now

but like billy didn’t miss the bus today but the boy jed? sat between us
theres not really anything else to say till
MY LAPTOP FUCKING DIES ALL THE TIME NOW AND LIKE ITS BEING REALLY SPECIAL
i dunno the battery need servicing and i need to not have it charging all the time while I’m using it
i need to shut up like I’m going off on one at the moment and its not pretty
or significantly less less pretty than normal
WE STARTED THE MICROSCOPE ASSESSMENT TODAY WHICH WAS GREAT
also but ride home
THE STARS ALIGNED
KARMA BLESSED ME
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO OR THREE YEARS
CONOR SAT NEXT TO ME ON THE BUS
THANK OUR BLESSED AND SACRED LORD THE TELETUBBIE SUN FOR THIS GRACIOUS GIFT
he moved as soon as there was a seat free
why do i do this to myself
we must suffer for our art
we should not have to suffer for our art
but twice in one week a cute boy has sat next to me
the poetry wasn’t bad but the audience was very small
like there were more poets (eight of us) than audience
i don’t really know what else
i had awesome nachos at tikitaco it was fucking awesome and they were lovely people

Oi nah

Billy missed the bus this morning and then this afternoon it was too full of Middleton kids who seem to be finishing earlier now for him to get on
I ignored Brodie and really there’s nothing else to say
Need to do the thing tomorrow with the poem transcript and write something inspired by the workshop last week
i took my dreads out because i won’t have time to out them back in for tomorrow or for thursday either and i don’t want my scalp to get as bad as it did last time
and its the first of the month so now I’ve gotta write the thing in the notebook

Its getting to the point

where i kinda maybe need to either wash my hair and redread or leave my hair as is normal and take the dreads out properly cos the first bad patch has started on the back of my head and its only gonna get worse from here on
the felting is also relaxing out might not even last till thursday
especially since i can’t take them out and put them back in wednesday night and i don’t think i can tomorrow either so if i do take them out its not to put them back in again
i would like to have then I’m longer but like i kinda can’t
anyway
did art in the morning
went to see people when i had a break for a while
i was right about the girl i thought brodie was getting with
still hugged him and whatever
i ended up with a beef burger in a fish burger paper so i had to go back and ask for her to change it
i don’t really like whats happening in efs at the moment because we’re not working on our things in class which means I’m not working on it really at all because i don’t do mentoring properly
wore one of the new shirts to school and felt good but weird about it
billy still looked really tired and i want to do something but can’t
i also calculated the hours of all the youtube i hadnt watched over the past two weeks and it turns out through everything in my watch later playlist it adds up to FIFTY EIGHT HOURS TWENTY SIX MINUTES
now going on a manic search for the boys as in started and failed with nathans friends list (found kelsey jewel though and I’m disgusted) then names school possibly basketball team on the school website
their website is just as useless as ours but I’ve ended up in the newsletters
this is not good
i don’t really know what else