My friends hate my friend

Started with art
Then more art
Then had a break where becca told me why she was pissed at Charles "there was other stuff too" though which she didn’t tell me and yeah he asked her permission before saying he could go with me to cars 3 which I think is kinda shitty but I do believe that cos I watched her read it off the screen
I also lied to her face saying there was nothing that I was keeping from her about Charles
So faux confessions out the way I went back to art
Went to the supermarket with Loghann and Alena and caught then up on what was happening
Alena is real close to actually having a go at her
Which I appreciate but also don’t want to see
We played sweet valley high and then uno becca came in and complained about stuff and then more art
Then went to poetry
Told Alice I wasn’t going to be there next week and told Ray about the drama
I wrote a kinda story thing which I really like
Alice thinks I’m amazing with what I do
Need to not rush my performances
I still feel really off about performing still from the victims poem like I’ve had to relearn everything I do when performing from scratch after that and I still don’t feel back on my feet with it
I haven’t really talked to him all day
Speaking of hims
Brodie said hi to me cos him and thing had left before me but because of my strategic walking and superior road crossing skills (yes I know this is bullshit allow me) I ended up ahead of them
So he said hi in the middle of the crossing island and I just looked at him and that was it I walked off and they went orbiter I went purple line
And that is that
"The only good feeling I get when I see him now is ‘in glad I’m not in love with him anymore’ why would I give you the time of day when basically all you’ve ever given me is bad memories and regrets"
Poets can stretch the truth and exaggerate it’s called poetic licence
Like literally it’s hardly true

Calls in class

So nothing really to mention except this list of things
I signed in to English but told Richard I would be leaving the class and went to do art I don’t think i did much but remade the circle face one and talked to becca a bit
Also asked Charles why becca was pissed at him he said he didn’t remember
Got a call in bio from the people with my laptop saying one of the speakers was fucked and they would fix that too for more money and I said yes because this is basically what I was saving for anyway right
My ears are annoying me
At lunch it ended up being becca coming in and talking about Charles and also saying that he o my saw me as a friend nothing mine nothing less which was apparently a direct quote from his text which she wouldn’t show anyone and also he had broken her ribs when he bear hugged her cos she was pissed at the tutor
As soon as she walked out Alena said do listen to her
She obviously jealous blah blah blah
I also discovered that cars 3 is playing at northlands at 11 on Saturday and I’m gassed like you don’t even know they hype and I told Charles which he didn’t reply to and he hadn’t replied after the thing where I said I’d thought she would have been pissed about the thing with Saturday but she didn’t get pissed at me and I guessed it wasn’t that
But then he told me that she was pissed at him cos of Saturday I asked why and he really didn’t want to tell me I also didn’t want to tell him about my emotional issues so we were even I guess but I want to know what’s going on because it’s just seeming like she is a two faced lying bitch
Like cool
If it does end up being what I think it is then I am really going to be pissed and want to slap her
Conveniently the guy who went to surprise surprise st bedes that groped her on the bus was on the bus that none of the others were on… with no other people to prove it
I can’t trust her
I’m really tired cos I had a shitty night sleep
Tried to go to bed at 11:30couldn’t til 12:30 ish then woke up at 3:15 then at 6 then the alarm at 6:40 then got up at 7
And now we’re here

The boy the boy the boy

So Jess was real embarrassing when Charles got there and rendered to him as my boy toy
I decided not to really wear eyeliner which may have been a mistake
He got there like a bit after eleven and I did basically no work all day
It was awkward or at least in my head it was
But of course everything goes wrong in my head so whatever
So we went to the cafe
And whatever gave him the lemon ended up meeting up with Loghann and went to new world at this point I’d had 6 weet bix two lifts and some pineapple lumps
And by the time we got back and sat at the awkward stairs I was crashing (saw Brodie and his girl at the supermarket and I blanked them Charles shook hands with him and I felt terrible) also I was sad at the lack of contact because I’m horrible and clingy
And the whole maze thing too wasn’t fun even though everyone else was loving it
I like him too much
So sat there and they started asking if I was ok then becca went to change her wrist thing leaving me with Charles and I felt Shit and he only helped a little
I just wanted a proper hug but he was too awkward about people thinking were dating and Libby and maddie were half shipping it and teasing us and I just wanted it to be like Saturday again but like officially and to know how he actually feels and see this is me over thinking right? And this is why I’m feeling like crap because I need to feel validated and I want to know if the guy I like even likes me or if everything is just happening because he doesn’t know when he could have the chance to do that with a girl again
They were leaving at 2ish and it didn’t seem like he wanted to go but he went anyway I left with them and left my jacket at school and he was gonna give me his hoodie but it would have been weird and they would have hard out judged us for it
We kinda held hands a thing awkward bit while walking behind them to the bus and I was like this is a bad idea it’s a very bad idea to which he said we’ll just let go real quick when they turn around and then basically let go straight away anyway
I said I didn’t want him to go and half joked that he should bus home with me I didn’t even get to hug him goodbye
I think that was part of it too
I tidied my room for almost an hour
And have still barely eaten
He’s taking ages to reply
It’s not helping my self-esteem
I rely heavily on other people to make me happy


Except some confusing conversation screenshots from becca about Charles being worried about me for whatever reason and not wanting to say anything cos it was mean and then she said something about him lying to he and doing something behind her back and that he was really sorry and so cute it made her cry and he didn’t want to lose her as such a good friend
Yeah I don’t know what’s going on he hasn’t really talked to me at all today which makes me kinda sad so all I’ve done is watch YouTube of course
It’s not as good through a phone honestly but still
I’m getting tired but not like proper and yeah
Don’t know if he’s actually going to come hang out at school because of something to do with me?? Which I want to know what it is and also why becca was pissed at him and then had to tell me he was cute to her and reinforce that he really valued her as a friend
Like to me it sounds like she got pissed he and I hung out alone and didn’t tell her and that she’s saying to me that they’re such good friends going like hey I knew him first step down bitch
Which if I had been doing all those things would be the case but like I don’t know if it’s like that for her even if I know she wants to be the centre of attention
I don’t know I might just be assuming the worst because I’m pissed and sad and lonely
I don’t know what’s going on

I. Tired and overheating

Not a date
Woke up way early
Charles has given me a semi functional sleeping schedule
So dad picked me up and might be able to get my boots fixed
Went drive through then got dropped at Riccarton
Up the escalator Gareth was behind me with jayden and talked to me about maze runner it was awkward
Then Charles got there a few minutes after and I hugged him straight away which I think freaked him out a little
Couldn’t decide on a movie so didn’t watch one walked around through electrical then farmers where I freaked then Kmart where I also freaked and also relaxed a little hugged a toy turtle messed about with and dropped a hoop and he thought it was hilarious I died a little inside
Then walked about shared an Oreo milkshake went to inspirations and got a stone and a soft toy Anubis which I love greatly
I kinda really want him to be able to come to my room like not just my house idc about the house but like all my stuff that I love is here and I want him to be part of it for a little while but I know he can’t be
We got back and he got McDonald’s and we just sat there for a while held hands whatever
There were random times during the whole thing where he would hold my hand or kinda hug me and always the whole maze thing
I think we went to timezone before that and I still have the tickets he said I seemed really off
We went to Christ the king for the playgrounds and it was pretty cool
Ended up sitting crosslegged at the end of the tunnel and he had his head in my lap and he’s so fucking cute
Then went to the bars on the field and just like hugged
And I hate to compare this Shit to anything with me and Brodie but it was like us waiting for the bus at uni and that
So there was that and danced a little bit which was kinda weird and good but I didn’t know what was going on
This was where there were quite a few moments where if we had been dating I would have kissed him but we aren’t so I didn’t
Wanted to but didn’t
Then something about he didn’t know what he wanted I don’t know what I want he said you do but you don’t wanna say but I think I denied it?
He did his thing to ruin the moment it was fine
Then it started raining so we went back to the bus
Where fire truck happened and the whole I wouldn’t care if he touched my butt thing came about
He couldn’t get his head around it
had to behave on the bus cos there was a guy he knew
I can’t tell anyone about anything that happened today… I’ll get to that
I still don’t know how he feels
Then I missed my bus cos I didn’t try then decided to go in again ended up in a corner and had my legs on him and kinda cuddled up and whatever it was really comfortable and he got over the whole fire truck thing and butts were touched (especially as we were at the stop waiting to leave at the very end)
He makes me nervous but out of shops and not near breakable things it’s calm
And I get clingy
Which I shouldn’t
So got on the bus and at the uni liv got on
We had an awesome chat it was great told her about the boy and it’s was all good I’ve missed her more than I though and I need to keep giving her updates
I think that’s pretty much it
I’m talking to him now and I don’t know how that’s gonna go

Snazzy pants

So the aura photograph fell off the card and behind my drawers
So I moved them to get it but ended up pushing it underneath them
So I had to pull out my shoe drawer at the bottom kinda tidied in front of it too
Found the bag that had my steampunk pants from two years ago and discovered the zip pants that I got for $10 and then never wore
I put them on trying to figure out if I was keeping them or not and I wasn’t going to because they were loose around the calves but then I rolled them up and boom snazzy pants
They is good
Need to art this weekend cos formative assessment is on Tuesday
I want to and need to but I don’t know if I can
Also Charles says he’s coming to school next week because he has his study week then and so I’m kinda worried about that
Played billionaire at lunch and it was AWESOME I won a few rounds and the first two in a row with sixes like I was all if the satans
Just noticed that awesome corrected to capitals
It does go with the mood though it was great
Few days late now I’m such a special child
My only home is it doesn’t come tonight or at some point tomorrow
I need to make sure dad can drop me off at Riccarton for 1pm
Meeting Charles up at the theatre
Need to clarify feelings
But I’m probably going to pussy out
Going a little out there with the outfit too probably
The zips will probably entertain him
I can hear cows


I’m really dumb
I didn’t do art today
It was really warm
But there was wind
I’m having surgery on the 29th
Not even general anesthetic
Just local and a mild sedative
He was cool though
Braided the side shave section because I need to wash my hair but don’t want to till Saturday and mum says that if I go out then I can’t on Sunday which I want to too
The beef continues but has apparently stopped for the sidemen after vik
Will and Chris have got amongst it but I have yet to watch
It’s getting kinda iffy though because of who I had already emotionally sided with before all this and then through all this
Need to write out notes for bio internal and figure out more stuff with the art shit
And also sleep
And get the music for two weeks time

I haven’t even been checking if these have been working

So the blood bank called me while I was about to go to the supermarket
It was awkward
I kinda felt better about my folio
Glazed the penguins
People took mine if they didn’t have their own over the other people’s cos mine a the sexy ones
I just said that
Then talked about Charles with becca and holly which was weird cos apparently our star signs are compatible
Holly asked how many girlfriends he’d has in the last month we laughed and said none ever she said so you’re the first
I said not yet it came out different than how I meant it
Not that I will ever be cos becca had a serious talk to me that he isn’t looking for a relationship and doesn’t think he’s good enough for anyone and only sees me as a friend
Put me in a bad mood
Didn’t manage to have enough of a talk to holly about my art today
Poetry wasn’t that great cos we had to write about what we wanted to hear and I started with more what I want to believe and then went to what I want to hear from other people but they will never say to me and then to "I want to be here" as in they want to be around me or with me by their own choice and it was just shit so I wrote that on the page in all the spaces there were left
I’ve barely talked to him today
I feel like shit
My emotions are all over the place
He has no one to go to his formal with and he got a fanshy car too
Gave me a bit of a mental breakdown but I’m going to keep myself in control


There’s not really much to say about today
I’m tired
I kinda miss Charles even though I’ve talked to him a lot today
I still find it easier to talk to him in person cos I can’t put into written words some of the things I wanna say like when he asked what would I do I didn’t have words but like I wanna I just feel stupid
Were just taking it slow
Not rushing in after one trip to the supermarket am I right?
Anyway becca said he blood sugars were low and that’s why she was fainting
No Shit coulda told you that last week if you’d let them do the finger prick
My dentist thing is Thursday
Poetry is tomorrow
I don’t remember what the homework was
Hopefully it will be on the Facebook page
I cried when Charles was nice to me last night and tried to help when I was feeling Shit and it meant a lot
I don’t usually tell people when I feel like crap and I don’t know why I trusted him so soon
And I’m used to putting aside all of my shit to help other people and not them helping me
But I’m tired
And Robert the English teacher likes my folio and wants to see it when it’s done
And holly thinks it’s better now
I don’t have anything to do in English
Hung out with alena


I’m tired and sad and I had an argument with mum and I’m cold and I need a hug
And I haven’t talked to Brodie
Jarrod messaged me
I want my laptop back
I want to see Charles sooner than the weekend
And say shit that becca wouldn’t like cos she had a bit of a go at me earlier about not telling her I like liked him and I was like I wasn’t sure till Saturday and you were there and we had that whole silent conversation thing and whatever
My ears are still blocked which I hate
I left efs this morning
Did art all day but I’m not really sure what I accomplished
Cuz some things out
My skin is kinda bad at the moment and I know my period is coming probably tonight or tomorrow and I don’t wanna deal with that right now
And the shirt still smells like him
He’s trying to help