this is more of a emotional shit show than usual
and if you who said you haven’t looked at this in ages decides to actually look at this then… lol don’t its really dumb and messy and full of awkward brain mess that i don’t know how you’ll feel about it sorry

so JJ came back to youtube with a new song and I’m fucking in love ok shh i know whatever but its on repeat on repeat on repeat like try stop me
still going off on one and kinda moving on from my boy with the mad skills but still making sure his is the last on the playlist because I’m being painfully loyal ok but still chance is doing a number on me like theres a girl involved so fuck it don’t get attached

actual school stuff though (turns out none of this actually ended up being about school so heres a retrospective interlude: we did the penguin thing in community which was actually kinda surprisingly good and went well… not that me making three penguins in the time that everyone else made one had anything to do with it… was kinda nice to see ryan and ben not being annoying dickheads and i actually heard shannon say more that two words which was cool cos accents and that.. rest of the school day was kinda shit so lets leave it at that)
might have found myself a formal dress
but like i still don’t know if i want to go
and i know as shallow as it is if i knew i had a date id be more likely to go
but then ill never have it how it goes on in my head
and today with brodie
this is a basically unrelated comment ok nothing to do with him being my date to formal because he has a girl and probably wouldnt go anyway whatever (except he owes me for year nine when he was in auz and I’m not still salty at all or anything)
just like i dunno what was up with today
it felt good (like a date but without the whole date part)
(i mean the potato thing jheeeeeeez)
just to exist today
and the music room was weird but good
(voice voice voice voice)
although if I’m in a decent mood around him my skin forgets we’re not together and expects things to happen that don’t
which is really annoying because like its not gonna its never gonna again and i feel like I’ve just jumped back like 8 months in the past
its fucked up

it would be nice if someone was actually interested in me but the problem is i don’t meet new people and like??
its not even a possibility like the way my life works and the way my friends are i don’t meet new people it just doesn’t happen
and then i also can’t message people that i don’t already message that I’m not used to typing to because it just doesn’t work
and i know that i can’t be used to it without not being used to it to begin with and going through the i don’t know how part to get to know how but I’ve just lost that ability
i didn’t really have that problem when i started talking to the people i talk to now (honestly its only brodie I’m talking about here and kinda becca theres no one else i message) so i was used to taking to them before i stopped being able to get used to things

I’m having a significant birthday
we’re over and mates again
i can graduate this year
I’m single and can do whatever i want
i should be having the time of my life
but I’m lonely
and pissed
and would like a hug from someone that lasts more than just the normal few seconds


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