who are you exactly?

got up early
well for a day that i wasn’t going to school it was early but for a school day it was late
so much sense gets made the fuck dude
and went to riccarton with mum
i feel like i twitch too much and like today i was noticing my foot was always moving i think I’m a fidgeter now this is not who i wanted to be in life fuck this
so then later we were kinda later than mum wanted us to be and then we were handing out service sheets it was weird seeing so many people that knew who i was but i had no idea who they were or i knew their name but had never seen them before or something like that
really twitchy
and hugged loads of people that i don’t know and they all bumped my healing piercing like thanks
lots of smalltalk was made
dad was there and mum thought that would bother her but it didn’t too much
i didn’t think i was going to cry but i got closer to it than i thought i would especially when things about grand-dad came up that was pretty hard
walked the coffin out i was at the back left corner or like above her left shoulder i guess and then lifted her into the hearse
I’m going to end up with pins and needles
then the piper took her out to the highland fling
now listening to bagpipes
then went into the catering lounge for afternoon tea and dad was crying like a lot I’ve never seen him cry before and it was really hard for me to see that like i knew if it was something i looked at and tried to remember that i would’ve started crying then and there so its something that i can remember out the corner of my eye
i know kinda know who brian gowns is who has been ringing quite often he held onto rebecca and cos i had my arm around her shoulder i ended up with my hand in his armpit which wasn’t pleasant
followed rebecca around at the afternoon tea and then ended up sitting on the edge with her and when people had started leafing maddie and cameron came and sat with us and we talked about stuff and cameron had said he didn’t think he’d seen us ever not standing with mum at family things which was probably true really
i feel weird about which people i give capital letters in their names too it really depends on the mood sometimes i just don’t because i don’t think about it but others i purposefully capitalise their name for a certain reason or leave it lowercase for a certain reason and others i don’t bother either way even if i do think of it
but with punctuation i just don’t bother at all
who gives a fuck i can just press enter
maddie said something
ie or y?
something about us being the statues that have finally started talking
and i guess yeah but then i still wasn’t really talking much
eventually we all made it to aunty joannes and uncle glens and
ok so
she had water i had cola right and she wanted to smell it for whatever reason?? and so she asked “can i sniff your coke?” and then we just kept laughing which was kinda awkward and thing i couldn’t drink it for quite a while cos every time i looked at it i would just start laughing
after food of after id finished food and other people were still eating rebecca and i ended up in the blue couch room cos there wasn’t really seats anywhere else and we were the only people in there till cameron came in and then maddie a little bit after so then it kinda became the young people room and we were all talking and stuff or kinda all talking gary came and sat with us too and amy and yeah it was nice then aunty joanne came in too and then people left and then it was just cameron and i kinda just talking about stuff like big stuff
it started with art and then got into poetry and relationships and books (told him about the long walk) feelings and depression and life and career options and it was pretty deep and like an intense conversation to have with someone you’ve basically never talked to since you were 7 years old and had a dragon drawing competition with and he obviously won
and nelson was there dogs are great
nick the guy in the waistcoat with eyes like matt the music teacher came and sat with us too and we talked about movies and caterpillars and gnomes and a bit about circus
i now have to give like sane (logical/smart/intelligent/valid) replies and critiques on his art and things and i don’t know how to do that like how do i voice my opinions
i just messaged jarrod i don’t know how this is going to go
my feelings always seem to end up in the wrong places lately this is not ok

p.s. i had to message brodie about the fact that i saw dad cry because i didn’t want jarrod to be the first one i said it to

p.p.s. i haven’t done my biology homework


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s