So I Left The House

and went to the mall alone
i was gonna ask sarah if she wanted to hang out but then decided not to because she only got back yesterday
so i went and got the tunnels from the place and my ears have now reached their final evolution… at the goal size with the tunnels i like worry not mum in sticking with what its at at the moment for possibly forever
and then was heading to kmart when i saw sarah
i saw her and was like nah it can’t be her its just someone who looks like her and its probably an 8 year old with really long hair
it wasn’t she was actually there with her nana and jake (who i didn’t have a crush on of like three days because liking your best friends brother is weird) i forgot how short she was i think she is actually shorter than lily and anyway I’m used to seeing her sitting down on the bus and stuff
anyway yeah so i said i was had actually been thinking of asking her to hang out but blah blah and she said she’d been out with alice as soon as she got back so ok sure and she’s free all week so maybe ill message her later after mum and i figure out when i can get my hair done cos that will change when I’m free
didn’t find what i wanted at kmart went and got a lift at paknsave and then drunk it was too fast between walking through the carpark to the bus stop
like really way too fast as in around a minute while walking it was a stupid thing to do I’ve done it before and i should know better and then when i was waiting i felt like if i moved just the tiniest bit that i would throw up
i ended up messaging becca and jarrod while i was waiting for fucking 20 minutes for the bus and jarrod was like i missed you blah blah did you miss me and i was kinda a bitch i didn’t mean to be its just the truth i said i don’t miss people that fast (we hadn’t talked for two days) and he just said ok fair enough
the thing is is I’m not going to miss him if he doesn’t talk to me cos usually the only reason we talk is cos i start the conversation because i feel bad that I’m not talking to him and i know that he likes me and will miss me if we aren’t talking but if we aren’t I’m not really bothered about it and its awkward when he says i miss you or i wish you were here i wanna hold you and that kinda stuff because i mean sure its cute but its kinda gross because I’m not feeling it… how it was with brodie when he said stuff like that i was all aww i miss you too i want you here i wish you could… and that was fine because i was interested in him in that way but because i don’t feel like that for jarrod i just kinda low key hate it
just realised i left the bottle tab in my jeans when i put them through the wash the fuck is my problem
and i also feel bad that i can’t say the stuff back to jarrod but also I’m never going to be able to because if I’m not interested in the person in the first place I’m not going to grow to like them after a while if its not there to begin with its not going to be there at all
with brodie it was off and on with noah i liked him from day one pretty much which is why it comes back so easy with the dudes from primary school i could see them somewhere tomorrow and id be thinking about it for a week afterwards but because I’m so different from how i was to begin with with jarrod and because when it ended i didn’t like him at all then I’m not going to like him again and yeah to begin with i was like I’m probably going to like him again and having something going on with him will make me feel better
its not because i only like the idea of being with him in theory when really its not being with him at all its just being with someone he just happens to be the only guy I’m talking to at the moment
also sarah and her boy have broken up and her chances with conor are getting smaller because they’ve mostly stopped talking
on the way home i got off at the supermarket to post the letter to london which i was really scared to talk to the lady but i did it and yeah i posted it
im fucking screwed in the head why have i done this
i guess its like a letter to santa like writing to this person with hopes and good feels and not expecting a reply back but you still did the thing
maybe a little like these posts too
then i walked home from there because the next bus would’ve been an hour away so fuck no
and yeah I’m done
went outside and now I’m gonna stay inside and recover for a few days


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