today was pretty crap actually

when i got up i was like yeah sure ill go clean my ears because the left one was being a bitch and hurting so i figured it would have a lil bit of gross stuff or something
but no it was fully gross and ended up bleeding
i didn’t even end up doing my right ear because the left one was so bad that i was almost going to pass out
it wasn’t the same as the kind of blackout feeling i get when i stand up sometimes when things go dark and i get a weird taste in my mouth and everything goes fuzzy instead this was like everything going white and i felt physically sick and i was too hot and lots of sweat and the i was really cold but only on the outside and i felt physically sick and all the colour drained from my face and it was scary i couldn’t tell if i was going to throw up or piss myself and i managed to put the taper back in and went and lay on my floor for a long time being very uncomfortable and worrying if i moved i would vomit
also while it was happening i was thinking i can’t pass out because I’m standing on a tile floor and if i collapse ill smash my head on like concrete and that would be really bad
i think thats my fear for the blackout thing too is collapsing on the floor and hurting myself that way
I’ve only had that sick whiteout feeling three other times that i can remember i think the last time i sized up and when i was almost going to take out my belly button piercing but then didn’t and when i was getting my stitches cut out of my knee at the hospital/clinic place a while after surgery
its the worst feeling I’ve ever had
and its not even painful like sure what causes it hurts but my pain tolerance is fine and the pain doesn’t faze me but then the sick feeling comes in and its literally the worst
i wonder what it felt like when i broke my jaw
anyway i ended up talking to Jarrod last night or like two in the morning no idea why he was even awake then i think it was like midnight for him maybe?? and he was being really cute and sweet an how he was when we were together and it was making me uncomfortable because sure i like the idea of that shit in theory but i don’t like him like that even though i almost did and I’m just not into it
but in the same way that i didn’t say yes to dick pics from brodie but i couldn’t make myself say no either i can’t straight up tell jarrod that i don’t want him to tell me he wishes he was over here so we could cuddle and he could hold me tight and maybe kiss me on the cheek
i just can’t because i don’t want to be a bitch but dude I’m not ready for someone to be like that with me yet and i don’t know if with you i ever will be i only went into this wanting to say sorry for being a bitch to you before and that was it i didn’t want anything more i didn’t really want to be friends again i wanted something from someone but now I’m getting it from you i realise you’re not who i want it from
and i kind of made that a little bit clear today if only by saying i wasn’t sure if i wanted what you were saying and then saying thankyou for stopping and that i appreciated the apology for it
then we kinda stopped talking
i talked to lily about it she thinks its funny
he doesn’t get that thing things i say when I’m uncomfortable aren’t actually me being cute its me being really fucking weirded out but trying to be nice about it also being awkward is not fun or adorable its really fucking shit and you don’t know how much i swear now and what my sense of humour is like and that I’m really a bitch and yes i hurt your feelings I’m sorry but i didn’t ask you to say those things I’m trying to deal with it the best i can
just because i wrote a poem about you does not mean i like you just because i think of you does not mean i like you i don’t really miss you but you’ve said you miss me i would hate the way i would feel if we ever hung out in person but you want to fly over here and do just that
im not into it how do i tell you that and not be a bitch about it?
also my tumblr posts are getting weirder and weirder but i also love them
some of them
i also managed to put the letter in an envelope and even address it like woah I’m getting shit done man like I’m doing stuff with my life
also some of the posts are slightly misleading but thats kinda the point in some of them

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