Emotional black hole

grandmas visit was today
or more like it was rebeccas birthday and we went to grandmas for what was only going to be half an hour of an hour and it ended up being three and a bit probably
grandma wasn’t as bad as i thought she would be like i expected it to be like grand-dad’s 70th cos he was really bad then and died 27 days later but she wasn’t like i expected she was more ok and mum said it was a good day but I’m glad she was like she was and not worse
we went to the supermarket after and then in the car i started talking about emotions and stuff and she missed the turn for our street but actually she did it on purpose to keep me talking longer and then she took the longer way back too which she did tell me after cos she thought when we got home i would stop talking and go to my room or something
but i didn’t i kept talking for ages
the thing is when i start talking about my feelings and things that have happened it involves so much i can’t really stop talking about it it links in with so much else and its caused so much and theres som many parts that need explaining and then theres new things that i figure out when i talk about it
stuff like when i get worked up about something theres no way i would be able to focus on other things and when she tells me something i don’t want to hear or tells me to do something i don’t want to i just keep telling her to go away over and over and over cos i need to process what she said and why i don’t like it and i can’t do that if she’s there and also that i don’t feel like i should have to say go away more than once and not need to raise my voice because go away means leave me alone and like its obvious I’m not happy
and i told her about stuff that happened with brodie not all the details and stuff but some of it which was good in a way i got to explain some of the things that had been happening and kinda justify my shit attitude from time to time by going i was actually going though serious problems
i did struggle with explaining some of the things with Jarrod though how i met him i lied about said i couldn’t remember and that it annoyed me that i couldn’t remember which is bullshit and i never mentioned we were together i only said we were friends because otherwise would be too hard to explain
i talked about wanting to go and talk to a psychiatrist or something but then being in a headspace clear enough to think that i was like maybe i don’t need to though and she got that she had a similar thing and i said stuff about you tubers and about poetry and not writing anymore because i used to write to cope with brodie and now i don’t need to cope with him anymore I’m not writing and that feels bad
also kinda like nothing has been happening that I’ve had to deal with like nothing at all except for tidying my room and moving it around which i did write something about because i honestly have a feeling that nothing is real anymore
I’m actually starting to properly talk to lily again or maybe for the first time
like about all the brodie stuff and feelings and that which is good to finally be able to do that
i just realised ill miss being able to send him poems I’ve written
yeah I’m just going though poems id written and its weird and i like my old stuff better than what I’ve been writing lately but maybe its because I’ve forgotten it


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