Day Five – Home

last day was pretty much just last checks for me as id packed everything the night before
went to the airport
and our flight was cancelled
we waited for ages
got nachos
can’t write about that right now
that was not its intended use
i mean sure brain chemicals but not
not that
and what pisses me off is that thats one of the first things i saw when i got home
its the first notification i got on my phone
and its the first thing we talked about in more than two weeks
i hate that us not talking was something that terrified me and that i couldn’t cope with the thought of being able to say no we haven’t talked in a few days and to make that a week it was unbearable
and then it was more than two weeks and the first thing was about drugs
maybe thats the whole reason i didn’t write anything more in that accounts chat
but maybe i should have
it wouldn’t change anything
and here i was thinking it was all going to be over and we would never talk again and there he goes fucking everything up again
I’m mad about it yeah it involves drugs so I’m pissed
not that its my problem not that its anything to do with me but it just is
theres always the little thought of what if i told his mother
he would probably hate me
he needs to hate me and i don’t think he does and its not about me needing to hate him
what i wanted was an apology
not for mentioning drugs not cos you say sorry when you know you’ve offended someone or whatever
i want him to apologise for leaving it like he did and for not fixing it up sooner and blocking my messages and turning chat off for me (i mean its kinda obvious when someone does mate you just need to know how to see it) i don’t want a lame ass sorry i was a dick but I’m a cunt so that makes it all ok kind of sorry because I’m sick of that thats what it always is
he can’t keep blaming the fact he did something wrong on him being an asshole because thats what makes him an asshole in the first place and it never seems like he takes any responsibility for what he’s done just passes it on to his asshole self and leaves it at that just to go and do something similar not long after
brodie rant done he needs to stop hiding
got nachos
apparently missed a bus that was supposed to take us to our hotel we were going to stay in to then get a flight tomorrow from brisbane to christchurch
but there were nine seats left on a brisbane to sydney flight that connected with a sydney to christchurch that would get in at midnight
so we took three seats on there
i was sat between two guys and was writing the whole time
i feel sick
everything is buzzing and i hate it
i need to figure out what I’m going to say to Jarrod he deserves something its way overdue but it still needs to happen
now I’m actually thinking about it maybe i shouldn’t
i dont know anymore maybe i should just not
had a drink when we landed bought a ring got on the flight home
it was dark got home mum is asleep i should be
I’m tired but I’m trying to talk to brodie
shouldn’t be


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