“this person isn’t receiving messages from you at the moment”

“ARGH JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A BIT PLEASE”
kay

i would’ve added ‘or would you prefer i left you alone for the rest of your life cos i mean i could try but considering i actually care about your existence maybe not’

but then you blocked messages from me
cool thanks
nice move bro really handling your emotions well there
how was the psychiatrists visit by the way?
I’ve been considering going for the past year or so
would you recommend it?
i was going to say its mostly your fault anyway… its really not though

i mean i haven’t told you how i feel in so long maybe you actually forgot i had feelings to begin with maybe thats why you’re so ok with fucking with them
and you want me to hate you
and its unfortunate for me that i don’t
how exactly would my life be improved by hating you?
i would have someone to blame every single thing that went wrong in my life on
i could use you as a symbol of all the bad things that happened to me now and forever into the future
i feel sad… its depression caused by the constant state of loss i was in for many years of my life
going places alone scares me… its because whenever i used to go places you would always be with me and now you’re not i don’t feel safe
failed at public speaking… those breakups just erased my confidence forever
any healthy relationship i have i sabotage… i don’t know how to cope when things go well because for four years when i was most impressionable for relationships and how they work i was going through shit cos of him
i die alone after a string of either short and unfulfilling or long and abusive relationships… i don’t know how to care for myself because he never made me feel good enough and i only know relationships to be bad and unhealthy

I DONT BELIEVE ANY OF THAT
its just not true
and if i did that the whole blaming you for everything id never take responsibility for my own actions i wouldn’t hold myself accountable for how i treated people or myself
and thats not ok
but i never tell you the real shit cos you never ask how i feel and when it all comes out in one fucked up mess you can’t handle it
you want me to hate you but when i start telling you shit about how useless you are at conversations or treating me with any respect close to what i deserve even as just a human being you shut down and you can’t take it
you want me to hate you but you don’t want to know about it
maybe i don’t hate you because that would mean you won
maybe I’m just that stubborn
or maybe i actually believe you’re more than you think you are
you fucking thanked me for being the one of the only people who was always there for you and you said you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for that
i don’t know what kind of here you meant and yes for some of that time it was because of stupid young love infatuation
which in no way am i saying it isn’t valid its just what it was and then the rest was what it is now i care about you as a person even when you give me no reason to show more than enough counts not to but i do and you throw it back in my face
you selfish ungrateful asshole
and i can say this and believe it but it doesn’t make me care any less

i could comment on your facebook tag you in things could text you email you creep on your blog message you from a different account you have two tumblr accounts and two instagrams and i do too i could reach you in so many ways and yeah you could block me ignore it whatever but if i hated you wouldn’t i be doing that? trying to make your life hell make you suffer for what happened

i don’t know where that was going but dude… i don’t see how it would be better if i hated you (maybe you’re sick of constantly letting me down? if thats the case you’re not thinking about me you’re just trying to get rid of anyone that holds you to a standard higher than what you can be arsed with reaching so you’d try and make yourself feel better about not being what you could be rather than the fact that you’ve been regularly letting me down for the last three years)

I’m just saying what i can think of any reason that could explain this I’m not accusing you of anything its just what i feel and how i see it and trying to figure shit out
i dont hate you i don’t think i ever will so get over it
and this is why my filter is pretty fucking important

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