so i booked my ticket to go see the old circus people do their end of year show
its going to be really fucking weird to be there again and to see them…
i don’t know what I’m going to say like for the first time in like five years i stopped doing circus for a reason other than injury
nervous for the whole seeing people thing
and also for being in new brighton at 8:30 at night
brodie and i haven’t talked all day and thats actually literally haven’t messaged him at all
last night was kinda weird i was making an effort to come up with questions and shit and it just wasn’t an enjoyable conversation
i think he’s doing it on purpose in a way
he asked “How long do u think it would take of me not fucking shit up for u to be able to move on enough to meet someone who was actually good for you” (how long do i have to not get sexual for so youll leave me alone) (how much longer do i have to treat you like shit for you to give up on me) (i don’t really want you to move on I’m just saying that because i want you to fuck off so i don’t feel guilty about being an asshole)
i said it was impossible
“Well I don’t think I can do anything else atm. Like I think you need to try”
like dude do you not think I’m trying do you not think I’ve been trying to get over you and to move on and all of that shit but i didn’t say that because I’ve stopped trying at the moment
instead i just said i was ignoring the emotional shit because i don’t know how I’m going to end up feeling and was more thinking about the fact that i won’t meet any new people
and i don’t want to
the thought of making any connections with new people is horrible i don’t want people to know about me and i don’t want to get to know people either like i just don’t care about anyone other than people already in my life like i don’t count many of the people I’m supposedly friends with as friends… i just don’t
im also kinda avoiding talking to lily and becca and jess doesn’t talk to me anyway she’s never online but yeah I’m actually making an effort not to talk to lily which never happens but I’m sick of people asking me whats going on what I’ve been doing whats happening with brodie like its fuck all ok nothing is going on nothing is happening leave me the fuck alone
and i know i should care what they’re doing and whatever but i just don’t
and I’ve just sent him the shit in brackets and I’m going to die
thats pretty much it


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