Shit

i guess i have to go over what happened last night then don’t i
somehow it turned into him trying to help me with my life and telling me that i had to relearn the world and me hating change is part of why I’m a mess and know that things will happen that i have no control over and everything will be ok in the end
like excuse me i didn’t ask for your help and this isn’t helping and you aren’t giving me a chance to say anything and you’re treating me the same way kirsty does and my mother and sometimes holly and especially my sister
you are telling me all of these things and how i need to change and whats wrong with what I’m doing and I’m not saying anything I’m thinking because i don’t want to come off sounding like a bitch because I’m getting defensive i don’t have word for word reasons why i feel how i do or why i can or can’t do certain things which is why i can’t defend myself without sounding like I’m in the wrong or like a child having a tantrum
with mental things especially you can’t help people you can’t try and get them to do what works for you it doesn’t work like that its like having different music taste than someone else but forcing them to try and dance to your favorite song it just sucks
i did write a bit (to myself seeing as i couldn’t say anything to him) about how my consciousness works with personal emotions in relation to the big world things and also a kind of line of a poem
so what i wrote….

i think because I’m so easily effected by other people I’m too busy living on the constant emotional level like the waves and shit that i don’t think about deep stuff unless I’m specifically asked about it and then its on the spot and i always end up trying to put these huge feelings i have about things into stupid inadequate words like these feelings are currents that you can’t see and if you try and look closely at them you can’t figure out much and this sound like a whole lot of me me me but I’m the only person that i can understand
the whole control thing yeah i know the majority of my life is controlled by other things and other people and i can’t do anything about it and i just accept it maybe that has something to do with me always being in the surface shit and not questioning the deep stuff because i trust enough in the fact it will be ok in the end to just deal with whats going on with the waves

then the whole podcast thing happened which gave me a bad feeling as soon as he started talking about it when i opened the link he sent me the titles of the things made me feel very off and like the third or fourth time i went on the page and actually tried to listen to one of the things there was a physical muscle spasming literally writhing reaction less than 30 seconds into it and i just couldn’t do it
i really didn’t want to seem like i was being a bitch about it and shitting on what was helping him but it just would not work for me at all and i don’t think i could’ve gotten that across in a nice way
and yeah i get the tea cup analogy that I’m already full and if you try add something else shit goes everywhere but its not entirely like that but he didn’t give me a chance to reply to that very well
i feel like this post is too long maybe i’ll make another one about some similar shit if we have a conversation like that again
anyway the big finale from that was he said something I’ve wanted to say for a long time but i knew if i did he would either have a go at me or be a total asshole about it and cut me off
I love you OK. As a human. Not like that. Idk if that sorta love even exists, just I love you in the sense of my life would be more dull without you and I would do anything to keep you in my life.
like dude first of all this kinda feels like the friend zone second why is it ok for you to say this shit when I’m not really ok but not ok in reverse
it felt like he was treating me like a child almost talking down to me but not quite i was watching youtube half the time to try balance myself and not have a go at him which i had no real reason to i couldn’t explain that id already felt with some of the stuff he’s said
ANYWAY
TODAY SUCKED
mum woke me up i was pissed at her all day had to go to work rebecca got home he and i have barely talked
everything is shit
i don’t want to be here

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