because of a conversation that didn’t exist

for some reason my brain decided to hold an imaginary conversation about the first time i gave head
not sure why I’m just in a really bad headspace at the moment with that kinda thing
and then because i have a thing about times and dates things happened i had to go look through an old diary i have to figure out when it actually happened
and i found it out
yeah so that was a thing and then i read another entry after that one and at the end it was like he said it would happen when we were both 18 when we had our own place when we couldn’t manage to wait any longer
and then i just started crying
i miss official us so much
i miss him
i shouldn’t but i do and i know I’ve said i don’t really care as much this time but stuff like that going back and seeing how we wanted it to turn out and then how much its changed it really hurts
i need some kind of conversation right now with him but the problem is i can’t tell him why and what ill get from it won’t be what i want
i wish we could go back
knowing what we know now but feeling the same as we did then
and hes offline and i feel numb
fuck this


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