My Taste In Music Is Your Face

today feels like it was a lot longer than it actually was
but I’m going to try and write about it chronologically because thats how time works
im not very good at making sense of time anymore
this morning i felt shit cos the meeting i had with kirsty and mum ended up being them kinda ganging up on me and telling me i had to expand my comfort zones and do something with my life
i hated it and just wanted it to be over and to get up and leave
in red i spent the whole time kinda switching between sitting with brodie and talking to lily and jess for a bit
i got kinda sad because I’m clingy as fuck
we went to new world at lunch and nothing happened
he disappeared after school
came back at like half 5
id been alone since like 1ish because lily jess and gabe went somewhere
immy and i ended up having a bonding thing in one of the practice rooms where she said to me pretty much the same shit everyone else has said
the whole thing the music night wasn’t that great like i dunno i didn’t get feels from it well except for a particular piece but whatever
in the second half i had to go outside like i was feeling really kinda shit and wanted to be in the quiet and i sat on the stairs and it was nice
all of the things seemed more in focus than usual like i could see better
i went back after a bit but i still felt bad so i left again
he messaged me came to find me
i was sitting in a different place cos high people were being loud and yeah he threw sticks at me
all i wanted was a fucking hug man like dude I’m not trying to hit on you right now i just need a little bit of not nothing but nope that didn’t happen
he left i stayed outside lily jess and becca came and left
then when they were leaving they came and said goodbye
becca sat with me for a while and i told her what had happened
and then thats when i came up with the question
the why do you x me in messages but won’t kiss me in person
i ended up asking him that
nothing happened
but he just asked if id get high with him
and that he can’t do us right now at all and maybe at some point but not at the moment
yes i should probably let this go
let him go and not in any way try and make it work on any level pretty much at all but like i don’t want to
like sure i wish this wasn’t a problem that i could just stop caring or stop feeling or something like that i wish it would stop being on and off again but i can’t not like him and i can’t make myself let it go
so he just told me its over for the moment or whatever and now I’m kinda pissed
thing is i know if i have a sulk and say bye he’s gonna let me go and i don’t mean it
don’t give me hope that it might work eventually cos I’m gonna keep waiting and waiting for you to say its all ok now
i can’t keep feeling like that
i hate this
what the hell am i going to say to mike tomorrow


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