What? (i think this blog is losing its virginity)

the beginning of today was weird
but last night was weirder so i guess chronologically i should start with that
so the kinky little shit went on my tumblr which i haven’t used in like two three ish years
i changed a few of the settings and shit and then went through and deleted loads of the posts id shared that i didn’t really like anymore
14 year old me was weird
he was sending me posts of shit that he’s into kink-wise and i didn’t exactly hate it
ok so to try and make some kind of sense out of it
tying a person up spanking and canes and choking and shit
and then daddy kink stuff that i don’t want to get into cos thats like the one thing that i used to avoid with the old shit which i need to figure out how to refer to it without giving too much away…
when porn and shit first came into my life
thats a weird sentence
and i mean porn as in not the wet confessions posts on tumblr but like actual porn videos and shit
it was that kinda shit like the first part of it
why I’m not sure
it just was
it kinda became a progression of whats worse whats the next level and whats worse than that and it just went on till it moved over to written shit which i can’t remember if that was before or after talking to people but yeah probably after
and the talking to guys thing was the same started out as just similar level shit that brodie and i had talked about then to level after level of weird and dodgy and messed up stuff and then normal shit got boring
like legitimately was not into anything normal at all the worse it was the more interesting (and this sounds so horrible but like it just was i wish it wasn’t but it was) and thats where it stayed…. thing was that was only talking to people… real life was totally different it was at a standstill with relationship and intimacy stuff that was only every so often brodie sending me dick pics….
i think the not really being into the shit i talked about in a literal gonna actually do it thing was because i never felt the whole affection thing and being wanted and i want the cute shit and the normal shit before you start hitting me with sticks (can you understand that i can’t just go straight into other stuff) which because when i talked to other people they didn’t know me i wasn’t insecure because i could make shit up i made up everything any description i gave wasn’t me
and like that would be the same point i went back to if (possibly when because i say I’m not gonna do it again but I’ve said that like lots and then did it again so whatever) i started going back to the talking to people shit cos i know a particular person on there would still remember ‘me’ and i dunno…
that went off on a tangent
anyway he sent me stuff he was into i didn’t really know how to reply to any of it i wasn’t really in that kinda mood regardless of what he was sending daddy kink or otherwise
we both kinda ended up in a mood so i didn’t know what it was going to be like today
it was ok
till we got back from the supermarket and sat under the tree
he was feeling shit about his kinks making shit awkward maybe and other stuff too
he said he wants this to work but he wants that shit at the same time
some of it I’m ok with obviously but….
ANYWAY he messaged me saying he can’t do normal shit and hates everything and isn’t gonna come tonight to faultline which i almost cried about so I’m kinda glad that he wasn’t looking at me
i was going to be a bitch and go well i don’t feel like going anymore cos the poems i want to read i want him to hear
but really I’m just gonna go anyway and i don’t know if ill read but yeah
i might read the don’t bother one cos its kinda old now and out of date
trying to figure out if i can go to the music night with becca
brodie has low-key gotten me re-addicted to tumblr because theres stuff and thoughts i want to say and put somewhere but they don’t really fit on here and yeah I’m just tagging them with “#tumblr is for text posts that don’t belong anywhere else”
and mentally revisiting all the shit from talking to people has kinda taken some of the negativeness away from parts of the shit he’s into and I’m kinda going into the feels and thoughts I’ve been trying to ignore and avoid for the past however long
posts have been kinda long lately


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