EXCUSE ME BUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY?

this morning Amber told me that dad set this up
to write a list of all the things i want in a boyfriend like absolutely everything because i deserve them all
i deserve to be with someone who is proud to be with me and is committed
that the sooner i learn to not go with relationships like that the better
EVERYONE IS ALWAYS FUCKING NEGATIVE ABOUT THIS
Except Mike
hes fucking great
to begin with i asked about what holly had said to him and he said that he’d forgotten it/ignored it because he wanted to talk to me and figure stuff out for himself
he gave me a scale of how i want my life to be from 1 being absolutely nowhere near what i want to 10 of its great and everything is going perfectly
and i was like wait I’m not even on this cos i don’t know how i want my life to be like i know what i don’t want but I’m not sure what i do
he thought that was great
and i said that i wanted to be able to do the course how i wanted next year and to have more clarity about a particular relationship
after id said things he would tell me how he interpreted it and what he thought it said about me
generally that i valued honesty and integrity and i was a very sensitive and strong person
relationship-wise 1+1=3
two whole people and a relationship
it was also pretty cool how when i talked about stuff with brodie that he wasn’t instantly negative about it and was cool about it saying that my homework i guess was to notice when things were actually going good like what the good things were
yeah thats a thing that might be a little weird now
he said that it mattered if i could see us in ten years kinda at a point to be thinking about kids and i told him how i think brodie would be a pretty decent dad but i don’t really want my own kids and he actually asked why
no one really does in the same way he did and i wanted to give him more of an answer than i give other people like why i don’t like kids that much but they like me and its awkward
mike said he thinks its cos I’m an emotionally available person and kids feel that I’m safe for them to connect with
went to art and didn’t really do much except holly came over at the end and we has some uncontrollable laughs about some weird clay thing she had made and jess saying ‘ride me’
didn’t see becca all day which was kinda weird also haven’t really seen her all week
at lunch went to the supermarket with brodie and was being a whiny bitch and sat under the tree for like half an hour after that
he wanted to leave
i wanted a hug
he said if i left
so yeh
walking to the bus stop the weird way and were gonna go through the park but i was just like i wanna just lie down on the grass and just not
didn’t expect him to do it but yeah
this is where me writing this down gets kinda awkward
kissed and shit
kinky bastard hitting me with a stick
lying on me
looking at dogs
kinda talking about stuff a little
OH I SIZED UP THIS MORNING AND MY EARS STILL HURT
he kept asking me if i was ok and in my head i was like fuck yes this is fucking awesome but i just said yeah cos i don’t wanna be weird
we were there for quite a while and i was kinda awkwardly bleeding because uterus demons
i have bite marks on my neck and a hicky on my stomach and I’m really not unhappy about it
kinda like it in a weird way
um wut hannah what you what
yeah thats a thing
holly asked chris what he thought about my poem i did at the thing and he said it was his favorite and the only one he liked because it was more real that the others or something like that
for the first time in a long time i mentioned the fact that brodie and i are trying to figure out if we’re just gonna be friends or not
to begin with she took it to mean are we staying friends or not talking to each other instead or friends or something more which was awkward for me to say and then i had a bit of a go at her about how whenever i mention it she always starts on about rules and boundaries and conditions and shit and how i hate that and can she not
it kinda went better than i expected
Isla has invited everyone to another RV fam gig at her place and i wanna go but its the night of the mega garagesale that mums having so i dunno if i can
its faultline tomorrow night and brodie might be there
said he would be but i can’t really believe it until he’s actually in that room
i don’t know

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