Crying all over the place

so this is what i wrote on the bus and at work and shit and then i realised this was pretty much gonna be my post for today about todays shit
i do kinda have to say what happened last night
and sorta justify the post that was just fuck and an x
talking to brodie and things ended up getting fucked up and sexual and whatever which i was trying to avoid for a few reasons i ended up saying shit about the um things that happened with particular people which I’m always going to regret mentioning because i don’t like talking about it
then he got the plague and yeah heres the rest

In red holly kinda told Lily an I off for never really doing any work
She told me to get all my stuff for my level 2 folio out and to stick it to the thingy board
She asked my why I didn’t like it and why even if I didn’t like it why don’t I finish it
I don’t like it cos I don’t think it’s good
I do t want to put it on a folio because I don’t think it’s good enough I do t have any confidence in my work
And I started crying
I couldn’t not cry and ended up getting up and walking out
I ended up going back and ended up sitting in the back room with holly talking about lots of things
She said that after the poetry competition I’d changed and she said how it was like kinda racist cos it’s not cool to be white and that it shouldn’t be judged
that they were judging it by whats the in thing like mental illness and pacifica whatever and that she felt what I’d read and it was genuine and innocent wasn’t the word she used but like that
She said that my issues with Brodie how he brings out all the shitty stuff is because of dad not being there when I was a kid
like what i think by now its kinda more than that
and then the part i hate
she said he was abusing me
That be needs to be there for himself before anyone else and how I need to put myself first
There was a bit about I need to actually tell him that we’re gonna do a thing and we’re going to talk and I’m gonna make pizza and if he doesn’t behave he won’t get pizza or I’ll go have my pizza far away from him
That I need to only be there for him as a friend and let him go not necessarily kick him out of my life but not be doing anything
My art isn’t terrible
I am a beautiful gorgeous person
I don’t need him and I’m going to let go and I promised I would and I don’t think that’s a promise I can easily keep
That’s why I wasn’t xing back and trying to avoid the stuff that happened last night but I didn’t try that hard really because I want it to work out
Even when we were talking about my poetry again I kept crying and it was gross and it’s not pretty when I cry not like for reals crying and hiccuping and half hyperventilating and shit like I hadn’t in a long time I should have to be constantly going through Shit to write but it helps and if shit isn’t going on then I’m not writing and I feel like writing is the only kinda good thing I can do which is why when I’m not I feel kinda bad
I think abuse is too strong of a word it’s connotations are too harsh like domestic violence and torture and Shit but it is what it is
And that’s why it seems that out of nowhere I was a bitch
Holly also said that he’s a drama queen if he was going to kill himself he would’ve actually done it rather than getting all the attention From talking about it
I want it to work and to be able to not think he’s gonna treat me like Shit and not always expect it to end and how do you stop the cycle of it always ending but not fucking ending it dude by skipping the ending part and staying not ended maybe taking a step back but not away if that makes sense
I don’t know what I’m writing anymore I need to do my work stuff
Hearing his voice was actually fucking great
It’s been one day
Shit happened
But I miss him already this was not where I wanted to be

what a lot of bullshit
honestly i don’t really remember what i wrote i hope some of it is kinda logical somehow


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