i had no idea how today was going to go
like considering i didn’t think we were gonna talk
and we kinda didn’t
he left anyway
was sick and got picked up
lily and i saw him leave cos we were having a huge talk about all of the things
jess doesn’t know anything happened
gabe does
becca doesn’t
and lily made me promise not to message him first all weekend
its really hard not to
its a problem
yes there is someone that will be totally fine with having an actual relationship and not make me feel shit sometimes and all that but they aren’t him
and as far as i can tell
on monday if we’re even talking again by then
im gonna have to actually be serious for once and actually get some important shit said
i like him
a hell of a lot
i don’t even know if he actually likes me
thats sad
but yeah this whole not just friends but not in a relationship thing isn’t really possible right now he can’t be single and have a thing at the same time cos thats kinda screwy
like yes i do want to get back with him
but he can’t now so maybe in the near (near as in less than 2 years away or something not like next month) future something proper could happen
either of us could be with someone else by then or he won’t want it or i won’t still like him
to be fair he could talk to me for a couple days and id probably fall for him again
but yeah shit needs to be said next week
in person
not over messenger
and ill try not to cry


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