The Fuck Is This?

The fuck is that?
the fuck is anything?
the actual fuck?
i do not like him
as in like like
as in primary school crush
as in i will probably end up saying you instead of him by the time i am finished writing this
i feel like this goes way beyond if i like him or not and into my fear of analysing my feelings or trying to go more into why i like things or don’t rather than just feeling the feelings
but then i don’t wanna do that because its scary and i don’t want to do that
so this is all I’m going to try deal with at the moment
what feelings are you trying to drown?
after everything there is no way there will not be feelings i just don’t know if there are words that exist to accurately describe what those feelings are
i trust him
with pretty much fucking everything
except himself
which is dumb
i care a hell of a lot
writing things doesn’t feel the same as it does in my head
this sarcasm is how i cope i got upset over something stupid and I’m joking about it and trying not to feel bad even if it ends up with me kinda being a dick to you I’m sorry
i have not talked to my friends in what feels like a very long time and i have talked to you more than i have talked to them in weeks
doing this is probably not going to help
i hate that so much of what i write is about you and you probably know that and you were being properly nice to me for the first time that i can remember and thats terrible
and i can’t turn it into a poem
i wish i had other things to write about that there were other people and when you said you would wingman me i actually laughed because where the actual fuck? i don’t leave my house unless I’m going to school or work or somewhere where i wouldn’t actually meet anyone I AM SO ALONE
you have people you do things and i never have
how does friends with benefits work for asexuals?
not specifically with you just in like a general thing like??? everyone has a different line where its what they wanna do and what they don’t wanna do and mine is so situation and mood and feels specific
hugs and cuddles and kisses and making out and shit thats fine thats what i would want a person for but more than that? meh thats when things get kinda complicated and feely an not really relevant to this train of thought right now because you’ve made it fucking crystal clear that nothing is gonna happen
I’m scared of beginning relationships to be honest like not knowing people that shit scares me but id have to meet new people to then get with them and that can’t even happen…
i shouldn’t like you you’re a dodgy little weirdo who does and wants to do the things i would never you’ve hurt me more times that i would want to remember but my heart still feels it
but then you don’t question when i need you to turn off the empty plug socket at the cafe you actually ask whats wrong you know shit about me we have conversations just with hatch stickers
and i know this makes it sound like I’m confessing my undying love for you but i still think that i don’t like you like that……
i think I’ve said to becca something like i would get with you if it would make you happy and thats fucked on so many levels
but i want you to me more than happy i want you to be ok and that doesn’t make sense
but in my mind happy is just an emotion it comes and goes and whatever but ok is more ok is like content its more like a state of being or state of mind and none of this is logical
i just realised i don’t want to do to the steampunk festival next year
i don’t want to do anything
everything kinda sucks and writing all this just makes me feel worse cos you won’t see it unless i show you and thats kinda weird and i want to and i don’t and if i do ill regret it and i don’t even remember what I’ve written i don’t even remember this morning everything is so fucked

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