I Should Know Better

you know when you know something isn’t going to happen but because you don’t have proof you still are like nah maybe
who knew i had any shred of positivity or optimism?
but then you have proof and then you’re totally fucked
reminds me of that time where i had proof that santa wasn’t real i mean i was like i dunno pretty sure i was at high school so thats sad and i still didn’t want to not believe but i had proof and thats why i hate christmas
ok so whatever
you unintentionally friend zoned me friday night
but i friend zoned myself weeks ago so it was fine
id only just accepted the fact that i wasn’t just delusional in the last block at school that day i was trying so hard not to get to this point
i had still been trying to deny that this was actually happening
like no you don’t actually like him its just that you miss having someone to do that stuff with its not just specifically with him its just you want to do the things not do the things with a specific person who just happens to be your ex who you have already done those things with
i kinda already knew that you were having a thing with someone cos you need to have the attention of someone constantly i mean thats not a bad thing (kinda maybe it is tho) I’m not giving you shit for it (yep still trying so hard not to offend you why do i bother) its just how you are
i don’t even know what to say right now
i don’t even know what i can say
like its not like oh yeah i like him again its like getting a crush on someone for the first time its different
the thing is i knew exactly what i was doing with that conversation like knowing what to say that you’d end up telling me
fuck that sounds so manipulative and horrible but sure it kinda is
i wish i could say there were no intentional attempts at guilt trips or whatever i don’t even know how to describe it but the fact that I’m always like i want you to be happy i hate it that you feel bad i want to do whatever i can to make you feel better and then go hahahah you’re making me feel like shit you’re so blind and you’re a dick is just stupid
i should know better than to do that i should know better than to fuck myself over like that
i should know not to fuck up the one time we were actually good as friends when having a thing wouldn’t be mutual
in short i fucked up again and i don’t want to go to school or see him or message him or speak to him but then at the same time they’re the only things i want to do

and eat cos I’m fucking starving

and guess what this is my 500th post on here and id usually wanting to go “haha lol brodie look how weird this it I’ve made fucking 500 posts on a blog that started off as me saying i was over you” but then actually only saying fuck thats a lot of shit I’ve done and send a screenshot of the notification

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