Since When Did I Have So Much Restraint

how i managed to not write a fuck load of short emotional posts last night is a mystery
not entirely though because i mean i wasn’t on my laptop over facebook so yeah i guess thats why
also i wasn’t as emotional about it as i used to be
not sure why that is but i did tear up a few times and it was kinda like the same feeling as the weather the other day when i was feeling off balance and like i was kinda drowning i dunno it was weird
although is telling me you’re gonna go have a tank really necessary? not that i mind I’m used to you saying that but like why???
I’m scared of saying what I’m thinking
like this thing thats going round in my brain
these thoughts
they’re terrifying
and i don’t know if I’m ok with it like i think maybe i know i shouldn’t be and the fact that i am is making this shit worse but then maybe its not that at all
this is supposedly the place where i can say anything and not worry about ho reads it because they’re people that i don’t know and will never know except one
and why does this mess have five new views from someone in new zealand?
but like this isn’t something i feel comfortable writing on here
or writing it down at all
this thing this horrible thing that shouldn’t exist has to stay in my head
no ones gonna know
have you ever hated anyone so much you fantasised about hurting them?
what about myself?

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