Trust and Shit

so think about clearance levels… in like the FBI or the CIA or even the normal police forces… different people have different levels and get told different things depending on how much the people in charge trust them… i have the same kinda system I guess with how much I tell my friends and family… its like a pyramid the higher you get and the more you know the fewer other people are there who know those things… i don’t even think i know everything about myself…
so at the bottom the people who know pretty much nothing because i ether don’t know them very well or i don’t want them to know or i just don’t care thats people like extended family or old friends from Halswell or friends of friends that i hang out with on the odd occasion… they’d know just what appears on the surface to what my mum or grandma would tell them like how school is going to that I’m still doing circus or guitar stuff like that…
the next level would be family members like my dad and grandma and my aunt uncle and cousins… who know what the other people know but get a bit more like a conversation about it rather than just what it is…
so I just spent half an hour making a really colourful pyramid diagram of my trust level stuff…there are fifteen groups and i kinda divided it into percentages too… and i realised its easier to go from the top down…
anyway theres a gap at the top because even i don’t know everything
then theres me at 99.999999%
then Brodie then between him and Jess is this blog because I don’t want her to ever read whats on here and he has and he also knows more than whats on here so logic…
then after them is the rest of my close friends like Lily and Immy and Lia and Emma… and then Miriam at 80% because she doesn’t know any of the stuff between me and Brodie and even though thats one of the biggest causes for all my screwed up shit its something I don’t feel like i can talk to her about…
then theres the rest of my friends…
and then mum and Rebecca with like 50-60% because it changes a lot and it also kinds depends on which of them i’m talking to
then dad and grandma and stuff
then old friends and extended family and teachers maybe
and then the surface stuff… this isn’t really a group of people its more like what comes across when I’m talking to people regardless of the level like the normal conversation shit the stuff that i let show all the time kinda and i figured this was about 5% of the truth or whatever
and then theres everybody else… the rest of the world and all that crap… tomorrow though this might all change because of my man to man ice-cream dat with Jess where we’re gonna talk about our feelings…. mostly me talking about mine… because I’m sick of not telling her I’m sick of not feeling comfortable with talking to her about stuff and I’m sick of being able to say that brodie knows more about how i feel than my best friend does…

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