Anxiety post part 1 : Control-freakism

theres a lot of parts to this main heading so yeah I’m splitting it up and also hoping that it helps me figure some things out while i write about it too…
so mt controlling perfectionist part of me isn’t just about having control and being perfect it is part of my anxiety and needing things to be just right because what if they’re not what if i don’t do something how i usually do it its going to screw it all up of course so i have to do things the same way all the time…
i have routines and orders i do things in that make me feel better more stable and in control and knowing whats going on which i suppose is part of the reason i don’t like having conversations with people i can’t just give them a script and say this is how its going to go although that would make me feel so much better…
some people love losing control and get a rush from it but for me its just terrifying and i feel sick because i don’t know how people will react or feel about it and what they’d think and its not even always about other people i get weird about doing things even when I’m alone in my room…
i suppose they way i think is a bit like if i can’t do it or can’t do it perfectly then I’m not going to do it and put myself out there in a situation i can’t control so ill just avoid it and make it not my problem which is a shitty way of doing things but i don’t know how else to cope


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