Why I asked how you felt

i asked because you don’t seem to care anymore
i know that can’t be true
at least i hope to hell that isn’t true because you said you loved me so how can you not care
i asked because you said you loved me
how could you do that if you did i mean i know it wasn’t anything like how it used to be but you kept saying it and if you loved me shouldn’t that have been enough to try
i asked because i want to know whats going on in your head
i want to know what you think of me and even if you think of me at all because i can’t get
and i want to because i want to move on finally to move on because i think these are just ghost feelings and i got bored when i talked to you sometimes and that never happened before i never got the butterfly tingles that i used to get because there was nothing new
i asked because i miss talking to you
i asked because it was true that i need to figure some shit out
because even though i loved you
I’m pretty sure i did at least
or maybe it was the ghost feelings
or because i wanted to be in love because it made me feel like i was worth something
like now you don’t talk to me and i feel like I’m unimportant that you can’t be bothered with me
but you said you were done being a dick and you missed talking
SO FUCKING TALK if you miss it so much
but i was saying
even though i loved you i still had feelings for other people
to begin with it was the four of you the same four that it had been for a while
just back and forth between you all
theres no one new there hasn’t been in a long time
i mean i was 12 when i started liking the circus boy
and i was 13 when i liked noah for the first time…… first……
and 13 when i fell in love
and 13 with yashbir
and 14 when we had a thing again for a bit and when i liked noah again
hell it was on my 15th birthday that i figured i liked him again after you fucked me up
and 15 when we had another thing
and 16 when i kissed noah when we fell in love again and when circus boy became an almost possibility
but he’s off limits… I’m not going there… i can’t… he’s the first guy in a long time that I’ve liked when we’ve had no history
i mean liking him 3ish years ago and nearly fainting when i saw him for the first time in years at the circus all sorts show that doesn’t count as history because he hasn’t fucked up yet i havent fucked up yet and I’m planning on keeping it that way and just to enjoy the whole clean slate not having to worry about anything because its refreshing to like someone and that be all there is
this has gone so off track from where i though it was going
but the thing is that i think i was aiming at with that last bit was the when i loved you i didn’t really stop liking circus boy i did stop with yashbir and noah but that may have been because i stopped seeing them cos it was study leave but i saw calvin every week
i asked because i can’t be ok with liking anyone else until you’ve moved on
but i don’t want you to move on because if you don’t that means you care that i actually mean something to you so everything is still fucked up and we need to talk but I’m scared because you’re not actually going to say anything because you don’t actually talk about your feelings properly like you feel shit or whatever but not like lonely or bored or useless or whatever causes the shit feeling and I’m just assuming here but idk thats what i think
what else am i supposed to think because YOU DONT TELL ME
we don’t talk now and i hate it
i hate how I’m scared to message you first and i was so proud of myself when i didn’t message you for two days and btw turning chat off for people doesn’t work on mobile… and then you said you were done with being a dick and not talking but do we ever talk?
torn about wanting you to read this…


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