One Day I’m promising this to myself not like there’s anyone else to promise it to

one day I will write down everything I can remember about being with Brodie like everything not just about being with him but like every memory I have of him I’ll get around to it eventually and I really want to do it not really really like I wanna get m lip pierced really but like the kind of really like I wanna become mysterious and evil and bitchy but in a nice way not that that makes any sense but like a fanciful kinda want and I will do it… eventually I’ll probably put it on here maybe in parts though maybe or maybe just the memories that I really like or just the memories I wish I could’ve changed or remembered better I remember our first kiss my first kiss in third person like looking at us on the couch in Braden’s room but I don’t really remember the actual kiss not really I remember him telling me he loved me for the first time though and I was scared kinda and I couldn’t believe he’d said it like didn’t it take ages for that kinda thing to happen and I mean well what else could I say but I love you too i couldn’t really say i don’t think i love you because i’ve only liked you for about a week and i thought you had a girlfriend and well i might love you because i’ve lost all feelings i had towards any other guy I’ve ever liked i mean even when i didn’t actively like them i still liked them a little but like
un/subconsciously and now i like/love you i don’t have any feelings towards anyone else just you only you so maybe i do love you after all its kinda weird that this doesn’t depress me any more but i guess I’m looking at it in a different way at the moment also I’ve just been imagining him coming into my room (its midnight btw) and going how did you get into my house and why are you here and he told me that he’d broken up with her and was wondering why there was a guy in my bed (Ronan Lynch – book character – don’t even ask) and yeah I’ve played that kinda thing through so many times i don’t want her to be his first i don’t want that to happen not just because he promised me but i don’t want his first to be the one after me like no i just i couldn’t its not that I’m hoping they’ll break up i want him t be happy and i want him to be ok and if being with her makes that happen then fine ok now I’m kinda crying thinking about the happy surface happy thing does she make you really happy not just surface happy like really truly happy? yes? no? and what about me? when we were together were you really happy? or was i the only person that liked us as us were you just happy on the surface? were you just ono kinda happy but not soul deep my life couldn’t be better than it is right now happy? cos that how i thought it was OR WERE YOU ONLY SURFACE HAPPY? do you have any idea how shitty that makes me feel thinking about that that i probably didn’t make you properly happy that you weren’t truly properly happy and you know what that makes me feel like its my fault! MINE that there was something wrong with me and yeah i probably know that isn’t true but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it and yeah maybe its been 178 days 49.307 blah blah blah % of the time we were together but you know what some days it still fucking hurts because some days i still love you a little bit and some days i couldn’t bring myself to give a shit about what you’re gonna do with your life but mostly i still care about you more than pretty much everyone else co you know what there aren’t many people i care about a few but not many that sounds harsh but its true and you’re one of them just gonna list them so i can figure this out for myself too so theres you mum rebecca (even though mostly i hate her) Lia Jess-Steve Noah (only kinda) Emma (again only kinda) honestly thats pretty much the only people i really care about dads not on the list neither are my grandma or cousins aunt and uncle not joshy or yashbir (because I’m trying so hard not to care about how mean he’s been to both me and sarah lately) sarah and liv aren’t there i can’t think of anyone else Seth uhmm i dunno he’s with Noah and Emma on this one i think well this has taken me almost an hour i type fast but i think too much as you’ve told me before no one really has any idea whats going on in my head i wish someone did you’re the one who has more of an idea than anyone else you get it more than anyone else would i think YOU BETTER COME AND FUCKING VISIT UPT YOU DICK should i tell you to read this? I’m less worried about talking to you when its night time well i wouldn’t really be talking to you cos you wouldn’t reply and yeahhh do i don’t i do i don’t i should i do i want you to read this all of it theres parts i want you to see and parts i don’t but i guess theres no point in splitting them up they’re all joined together

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