Things I’ll Never Tell You/My Last Letter

You liked me since the start of the school year we were almost halfway through. I liked you for one week.

We talked, never face to face, I spent one lunch time with you, the next day you messaged me “btw we’re pretty much going out now aren’t we”.

Three hundred and sixty one days later we were over.

You were my first boyfriend first kiss first love. We had it all planned out. Together forever the future was no longer a theory.

When you asked me when, when and not if, you asked me to marry you when we were nineteen you wanted to know if I would say yes. I told you, you would have to wait and see.

If I’d told you the truth, if I’d said yes that I would have married you would it have changed anything? If I hadn’t teased you so much would it have changed anything? If I hadn’t kept pushing you away would it have changed anything? If I hadn’t liked that other guy for three days would it have changed anything? If I wasn’t me would it have changed anything?

Because you changed me… I’d never had an energy drink before and I ended up buying one to keep me awake because I’d fallen asleep while texting you at two o’clock that morning.

From music by The Wanted and Taylor Swift to Trivium Dismember (or Disturbed Hard to predict which one I’ll say) and Slipknot.

From hating cars, like you know the ones with the really loud music, bits with bad paint jobs and make the ground vibrate under your feet? Now? I want a white nissan skyline gtr.

My dream? Park it outside school where you and your mates walk past and stop basking in its awesomeness, I come over and tell you the get the hell away from my car, and as i roar out of the parking space shifting up like i’ve done it all my life and leave you and your mates in my dust. I know and you know that I only love that car because I loved you. Because I fell in love with who you were.

Who are you now? A fleeting glimpse across the quad, huddled in a gang with your mates, a stranger walking out of a classroom who doesn’t know my name. But you do know me, you must because you don’t avoid people that you don’t know. You’re just a guy with his hood up, up to no good ruining his life a life I’m no longer part of….

But do I want to be? Do I want to dive into your dark, addictive and probably illegal world and come out drunk smoking and high as a kite just to see the look on your face when you realize I became everything that disgusts me? You disgust me.

But then I see you laughing, joking, listening to music I now like, being immature like nothings changed and those blue eyes that I fell in love with are still so amazing. But now you hide them with your hood up like you’re ashamed of who you were when you were with me.

I can tell you the exact date, the exact time I got over you.
But it’s all ok because you told me you were sorry, kept saying you were sorry. You told me “Love in the moment live in the moment because maybe a moment is all we have” and I am so sorry that our moment couldn’t last forever.

If you can imagine me saying this in a weird powerful but kinda quiet voice, and swaying a bit, walking a bit and gesturing a lot that would be me doing my slam poem. I put the messed up video on my youtube and my friend was in it and she was the one who made me mess up.


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