its been a lot

so the morning whatever went to the supermarket with rosa and loghann
talked to natalie for all of blue class and quite a bit on the eragon movie which was pretty cool
i need to talk to miriam or email her about that
played mario kart and i think i got genuinely upset about it and wasnt having a good time
did have a better time in the art room later on with rose and theo because rose and i were full on silent laughing our tits off like really and it also helped that theo was cute and says yeet
then work which was whatever
then i went in to town to have a meeting with the people at the cuban and robyn and loghann which was great until we were actually there
we talked about yeet
about yeeters that yeet you up and then the song by evanesence bring me to life as in wake me up wake me up inside cant wake up save me
but we yeet it as – yeet me up yeet me up inside cant yeet up yeet me
so does that make it – heat me up heat me up inside cant heat up heat me
its the new winter anthem
so i started getting really panicky on the way home because i dont think i can do it i dont think i can work there
im really bad with any kind of eastern accent and its especially worse when theres lots of background noise which their music like i get that its the theme and the vibe and whatever but its so loud so fucking loud
i dont think i can do it
if its like at the point where i know i could probably get a job out of it and i would still rather stay at halswell then like its such a no from me
im tired
when i got off the orange line i walked all the way from the domain home in like nil degrees
and it was good
i talked to ethan a bit
and to loghann rose and lily
and i talked to mum a lot
i told her that ive talked to the tattoo place and about natalie and a lot of stuff and it was the most we’ve talked in ages i managed to bring up the driving lessons too
oh and i went to the doctors this morning
that was a thing that happened and now i have eye cream to put in my nose to get rid of a slight infection that should clear up the problem that ive had for months in like a week

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like what?

loghann is still not coming back into the art room and i dont like it
laura really likes talking about ben loves nose for some reason
i encouraged connor to message loghann and it went pretty well honestly
i cried
im not even in the relationship and he made me cry
im still confused about the noncontact human
made a couple things in art finished the other things to go to bisque
miriam came and talked to me about natalie
who as id kinda noticed but not really comprehended i guess made friends with some not so great people and needs a bit of a mentor thing and she mentioned me to miriam and so she came to talk to me
ethan likes numbers and i like words and because i dont like maths we cant be friends
i cant help it that im a poet but it also just makes him seem like more of a boy ya know?
ive got a drs appointment tomorrow morning and its about my nose and i dont know what he’s going to say like just stop picking at it so you have space to breathe and it doesnt hurt?
rose thought she had been brozoned but it just turned out he said something like ‘thanks bro’ and she overreacted like she says bro in the same way he did
honestly imagine if he freaked out the same way she did every time she said bro in the same offhand way thad she did of him

im sad a lot

i think im losing my voice
i blame it on rapping the sleazy remix multiple times and singing along to the try not to sing 20 years challenge
so i talked to holly about the prices and we figured out that the small ones should be over no less than 30 and the larger ones like no less than 60 ish and thats pretty much the highest im comfortable with going but like ok whatever its what i need to do
i was stuck making small things all day because theres a thing coming up where i might be able to sell things
i dont know…
i made food
played mariokart
ate shit food at school
i just feel bad

FUCKING GLAZES

i dont like them theyre powdery
well duh
but like its shit and annoying and they get everywhere and i dont like children and they piss me off and id rather just paint but you cant paint and then seal acrylics because the sealant is flammable when youre going to turn them into burners
something was just off today
so i ate more than intended
like many more and mum called me up on the fact that id been forgetting to eat tea
i got chips half a mars bar a hot chocolate (we dont talk about how it was small the first time they made it and i had to ask them to remake it) and a lift
i couldnt eat all the chips and gave half of them to loghann
im really conflicted about my feelings or if there are any feelings there at all because i dont even remember what it was really like to have real feelings for someone
also the dress has started shipping
still havent heard anything from the wax melts about the shipping for them
i put better info out on the table with my ceramics at work and got really pissed about having to do the whole store thing with facebook
ok so im setting up this bullshit business manager account and i dont know what im doing

i wrote a poem about my weight and i hate it

i had an argument with ethan because he said i was skinny and because he is wrong
and he said this on the day where i have had nothing but a lift a hot chocolate two squares of chocolate and lots of water
CONNOR MESSAGED ME AS IN LOGHANNS EX BOY (asking how loghann is doing at the moment because he’s writing things down that he wants to say to her and doesnt want any of the things he says to make anything worse)
ok so i listened to the misfits podcast all the way to school and it was wonderful and i thoroughly enjoyed it and
THERE WAS SOMETHING THAT I REALLY NEEDED TO LOOK UP OR WRITE DOWN BUT I CANT REMEMBER BECAUSE I HAD TO FINISH THE MESSAGE FOR CONNOR FIRST AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IT WAS
wasnt about loghann not having her phone wasnt about food wasnt about connor wasnt about ethan? i dont know what it was about
so yeah the podcast was beautiful but because i had it through headphones it was a little bit like it was all going on inside me head an also cos i listened to it from like 8 in the morning when i hadnt even talked to anyone and hadnt heard my own voice when i did start talking i was like who the fuck is this coming out of my mouth
i bought my formal dress (and the bullet bill lollies)
put stuff up in the staffroom
played mariokart with rose and loghann at lunch
holly was sick
i dont know that kinda feels like it
maybe it was cos i convinced laura that i had a kid like a real one that seth was my real child
I THINK I REMEMBERED
so theres the whole auto adjust the brightness thing that can be put on laptops and that but like fuck it right? and my screen had been doing this weird glitchy thing when i had been watching videos (not sure yet if its still doing it) and then i was like maybe the auto brightness is on somehow and i reckon it was the update that did it but yeah it was on and now its not
unfortunately it doesnt seem to fix thee glitches on my screen

seven days in a row

thats how long ive seen loghann every day for
i fell on her at like 6 this morning on my way to the bathroom
then i spent ages talking to ethan
she left eventually
i finished nerve and then watched some pokemon and now im watching pan
and ive just remembered that i havent done any of the homework holly set me for tomorrow
gonna go back and finish yesterdays post

so loghann

is at my house and ill finish this post tomorrow later but for now i dont know how i feel about Ethan i have green lipstick and thats like it really

ok so met up in town and was killing time for a bit before going to laneways and we ended up at the nyx store where i bought the only green lip product in there and we went to see josh who is pretty cool and talked about the magpies and that was good and im penciled in for the 20th or 21st and he’ll draw them up soon
then went to random places like cosmis which took us too long to find and i probably spent too much money really
then we watched part of nerve then we went to the thing and i felt overdressed but turned out not really and there were four tables of eight ish and we talked to people and they liked my hair and my lips matched my hair because i had the green vinyl on and there was food and desert and i was talking to ethan the whole time pretty much and it was ok and im really glad that loghann was there because otherwise i would have had a terrible time and then we got back and started watching the first descendants movie but got half an hour in
and then sleep
yeah so dont know how i feel about ethan and i accidentally called him cute so that was a bit odd
there was also like during the whole time i was saying yeet so much like yall have no idea its my new word like word of the day? nah fam i got word of my life going on out here
i said fam kill me now
so yeah outside the library i was going on about creating a mega company where everything was just branded yeet like in those dystopian universes where everything is just branded by one company that rules everything yeah ima make that but with yeet as my branding going as far as to have the emergency service sirens saying yeet at different tones but we specialise in yeet-pumps

The worst point

so
its not good
as in this morning(whcih i always feelshouwld be one worrd by this point) i stopped caring
i just wanted an end to my mood
“im not ok in the head, i dont really know why
maybe cos im lonely, and always want to cry
i dont know how to fix it, or how to make it riiiiiight
maybe ill get really drunk and overdose tonight”

i was going to not go to school
i was supposed to take photos in the tiny house with the stained glass windows and
(ethan is being really nice to me after i said i hated everything and feel like ive lost control of my life and had a mental breakdown this morning and im so grateful for knowing him)
i couldnt because it was too dark in the morning and then when it lightened it wasnt enough because it was overcast
then i tidied my room and got rid of some clothes and my floor is mostly clear now and mum got home so i decided i was going to school because i didnt want to be around her in the mood i was in and then i got to school by playing the 57 minute ambient music thing that charles sent me once so i could drown out all the old asian ladies talking too loudly
and then i got to school dumped my bag and was fully intending on going to the cafe by myself but then loghann gave me a big hug and everything got a little bit better and i got a little less mad at everything and we went to the cafe got a lift and then walked to the edge of the uni where there used to be a bench on the road and sat and talked and then went back
and i think i figured out why i dont drink because when it gets to the point that i dont care and want to forget and totally lose it i cant because i havent started drinkng in the first place and im scared that if i start i wont stop
i checked when i can donate blood again (the 19th next month) and then had to wait like half an hour before i could message laneways but i did while having a panic attack and im going at 1pm tomorrow to talk to josh and im scared
lily was so much of a lifesaver with her wise words
supermarket and apparently the trolley boy has his nose pierced now
i dont know what else to say
talking to ethan about tattoos now
oh yeah and i messaged brodie an said i was sad we dont talk anymore he said we could talk more if i wanted but i didnt reply for hours and then said something like its not going to happen though and i dont want to force you to talk to me and whatever

ok so acouple thins(iah a dhis day)

ok so a couple things i had a shit day*
yesterday mr topham gave me a gingernut flavoured frooze ball and i ate it before i knew what flavour it was and it was a mistake
loghann is back at school
i had a weird dream not like fully weird but it just was very much not how things would happen in real life but it happened with a person who i have never made contact with and also i dont really talk to in person
i jsut had a bad day
we played four way vs with rose and emmme though
that was probably the highlight
i took photos of my stuff staged and whatever that was probably a good thing too ey
i dont know im just not feeling it right now

like absolutely terrible but also !!!!

so art and the art room has become an uncomfortable environment like i get that holly needs us to be doing work but we were and im trying to step it up but theres only so much marketing you can do you can just make people buy your stuff
i did this morning buy a whole bunch of wax melts from an account i found on instagram and it ended up being a lot
but it might be an investment who knows
holly has given us some homework
i need to actually find goals
people seem to always miss out the ‘L’ in duckling in my brandname
the fact that i have to call it a brandname weirds me out
ive connected my facebook page to instagram finally
i need to get pricing and stuff sorted because i cant put it on the shop side of facebook without it
im so done with this business shit its draining
i just need a hug
loghann is going to be back tomorrow
i dont want to start crying
so rose told me while we were at the supermarket that she has a thing for dylan and then when we went back to the art room he was there with theo and rain and that and then we didnt stay in alishas homebase we went back to the art room to mario kart and be in the vicinity of humans and then we shuffled around the nintendos and the boys played a couple races and rose now knows ive rebranded from ‘bad jokes’ to the more appropriate (or not really appropriate but relevant) ‘dick jokes’
and it was a fun time in all honesty and she may have convinced them to get their own
and also rain and laura really clash and its shit it gives the room a bad vibe
LOGHANNS COMING BACK
i actually manage to talk to adult rose kinda ok and she’s into the egpytian things as well
mum dropped me at school and i picked up the ceramics things to take photos of at home and to then put in the office or staff room