like nothing
i had lots of really complicated and involved dreams because i woke up twice and they continued through both times i fell back asleep and honestly i couldnt really tell you what they were about not enough recollection to even put little notes down about them which sucks because there was a lot going on some kind of dodgy magic shit going on people that may or may not have been dead maybe coming back there was a guy of course and some kind of attic/wardrobe room but thats about it unfortunately
but they were good which is why it sucks that i cant remember them
gonna be on my 25th dread tonight so thats progress
havent talked to brodie at all really he wouldnt talk last night so i dont know if its ok for me to anything like even just dolphin or ask whats going on like i can pretty much figure whats going on like its always like this he has good days and bad or more shit days and lesser shit days and then intensely shit days but like it would be nice to talk
anything else worth mentioning?


Naz 3.2

so sandwiches more sandwiches (ive got a fucking headache beause im probably dehydrated because the water is chlorinated) making biscuits (melting moments) assembling more than fifty filled croissants (which i almost spelled correctly the first time) icing the melting moments going to westfield buying guys sweatshirts that i kinda dont need and lift which i also shouldnt need and then home where i painted a canvas for mum for the holiday programme helped assemble a bear and picked out baby socks for gemma on my last day and now we’re here
theres nothing to say now really
i feel like shit


really want one of those shirts… or hoodies who knows… but money and the fact that i shouldnt keep spending it
one of my last days at Nazareth tomorrow even though it was supposed to be my last
seem to be talking to ethan a bit more recently and yeah i dunno im getting weird about it
and then brodie and i keep sending dolphins back and forth but havent made it to actual conversation yet so thats cool and all
did more painting and that was fun i guess though i got to a point where i was like do i really need to be doing this and painting these ones? but then i kept painting
and not im done with painting
should probably charge my phone…….
i dont know

still worrying

so lily
was a good
didnt even make it to kmart which meant my card was saved a little didnt make it to paknsave which meant my card was saved a little but we made it to jels and to another food place but like whatever it was fine and then to the dollar store on the main road which was surprisingly not shit in a way like i bought three glass skull bottles and some tiny bands for dreads
started at the farmers market though sat on a bench and discussed life and boys and life and boys and it was pretty good
discussed possible outcomes for friday and how certain people would should or should not be behaving
i said how i wasnt supposed to tell anyone if it happened and how even though it hadnt happened i told her that it hadnt happened and it doesnt matter – not that it did or didnt happen but that i told her like either way im old i can do what i want
sarah kicked my ass and she was meeting jake at starbucks
been watching archer while doing art stuff
me and artist?
painting the ceramics stuff and it was going shit then good then shit then good as art usually goes
decided i probably wont be using gesso ever again on them so thats a good discovery
theyre yorkies

not so plans after all

or like whatever because we’re just scheduling till tomorrow
lily has family stuff going on of course which is totally understandable so it just got put off a day
last night talking to brodie was a movement
towards i dont know what
he wasnt sober i was tired he was in halswell
conversation got to a point which was fine like whatever im not offended or upset or annoyed or anything about it and he has no reason to be sorry for anything that he said i dont mind it
and then it went to shit
like scared shitless cos of why he wasnt at home
and then we havent talked all day and im scared and worried about him
there was a hedgehog outside my window and it was growling and was like ok imagine a cactus being scraped along plastic right that was the sound i heard and i was like the fuck am i going to see when i look out my window and then it was like whatever its just a hedgehog so that turned out fine
i got my delivery from brainbox candy finally which was cool
bout it really
started watching archer again

eventual pizza?

got to a good point with brodie last night conversation/plans wise
made use of the shuffle button on my watch later playlist and its been pretty decent to be honest
i dont know ok
theres nothing
told mum im going to the thing
she thought it was tomorrow but its next friday and i need to not forget lilys present

YOOOOO the boy its the past coming back to haunt me

ok so before the disney channel movie zombies there was a show called zombies and cheerleaders which failed apparently and on that the guy who played zed was luke benward and like ok the name seemed a little familiar but i didnt recognise his face at all so i was like ok must have just heard it somewhere mustnt be too much of a thing but whatever
i found the imdb thing for the show right and then was like ok ima go on this guys page and try find where i know him from
he had been on an episode of csi but there was no way id recognise him from that because a) i havent watched as much of the original csi as i have NY and cyber but also it would have just been one episode and not very memorable at all
then there was good luck charlie which he was in a few episodes of but i havent seen enough of it to know him from that or to know him from his real name from it (that goes the same for csi)
and then i scrolled down further
and then it was the thing right
i didnt recognise the name of the movie (mostly ghostly) but the name with it
that was it that was when it clicked and i now finally after all this remember
there were a couple of journal entries back in the day – and this is like still in primary school year 8 probably – where i had mentioned nicky and luke benward and i cant off the top of my head remember in what context but yeah
when i had read them back i had no idea where the names had come from but now after all this time ive found it again and solved this fucking mystery
went further down and it turned out he had been in because of winn dixie too but wouldnt have even recognised him in that

stop fucking drinking

i dont know not had a good day just because of life in general
may have added like 85% of the canadia videos to my watch later playlist along with the golf and mariokart ones from Tyler because thats all i can be arsed watching at the moment because theres not really any other content im enjoying at the moment
my back
its more like my shoulder
is fucking killing me
jess may or may not also be coming to the party
i havent told mum that ive decided im going and also dont know how im getting home but whatever its happening

twas a day

so loghann came over
it was weird
i dunno just didnt have a feel for it for some reason
theres the difference between beign at school together and being at home together
we raced watched juno ate and raced more and watched vines and thats about it
i had to basically shut down from how i usually am around her which sucked
i dont know ok
talked to brodie till three in the morning
it was good though
the whole “and ey dw the like idk how the fuck i feel thing is mutual. we have a weird history and i tend to have a lot of mixed vibes toward u and i get a lot of mixed vibes back so like. its not just u if u have felt like ur insane coz of that. we have weird history and its my fault largely so like yeaaa —– sweet just thought id put it there coz u haven’t been talking to me like fuck all and i feel like its partly coz ur unsure of where we stand atm and ey same” was a lot to have in my brain
and also him asking if noah and i had a thing going at the moment
and lily says she’ll come with me to noahs thing
and i dont know
i just dont feel good
so so fucking much canadia boy currently

not naz (canadia is saviour)

so went to nazareth and then the lady is on leave which no one told me and then i have to choose if i go to the cafe and work in there all day or go home and add another week to the thing and have more time with the bread
i should have chosen to go to the cafe and i feel shit about it now because i though i was doing the right thing but not doing what i wanted and choosing to stick with the original course plan but i regret it like fucking hell
walked to spotlight mall and bought two paintbrushes was going to buy three but it turned out one of then was like $30 for a fucking simple ass paintbrush no clue why it was that much and there were no proper prices anywhere and it was shit and i felt like shit and then
went to the $3 clothing shop which is at the moment back to $2 and DIDNT FUCKING FIND ANYTHING THERE
first time i havent even found anythign to pick up
then tried the salvation army place on the way back home and there was nothign there either
i dont know whats up things just werent going good for me today
i dont know if it would have anythign to do with the nightmare i had last night
havent had one of them in maybe a couple years which was pretty scary
i got invited to a real teenager party by noah and it must be his kinda but not really his birthday thing but yeah i dont think i can go im scared
i wont have people to talk to and its the night before loghann’s birthday things so i dont know how i feel about that either
i want to be able to go like i want it to not be a big deal for me to socialise with people or be around drunk and drinking teenagers (noah says i dont have to drink he would probably try and get me to but he wouldnt make me i dont know how i feel about that) and to not feel shit about the fact that i dont drink or do normal teenage things and also not having loghann with me but honestly at the most there would be three people i know enough to be ok with talking to them but the problem is none of then i could stick to forever and having a constant human is really important to my sanity at the moment cos its a hell of an effort to stay remotely put together the whole thing like considering going makes me feel like throwing up its fucking terrifying
and like fuck
and so whatever shitty canadia dude got me through the nightmare and got me back to sleep after and helped me survive this fucking day