I hate forgetting dreams

like I’m pretty sure i had a really cool one and yeah there was a guy in it and thats part of it although me forgetting how to kiss irl has made me forget how to kiss in dreams which is weird but i think there was stuff that was a cross between the A.W. Exley book mermaids and subnautica and i was swimming under a castle and there was also the thing where i was doing something like the tough mudder but in a wedding dress and later on i was with the guy and then people who used to go to halswell were helping set up chairs and stuff and the guy was blindfolded and i think there was something to do with talking about politics
theres also an awkward conversation about a skype thing that i can’t do and yeah its weird and i don’t want to and it kinda worries me but i found the old place so its kinda ok
also I’m going out shopping with mum and then putting in my dreads finally
when i got up hamish the architect was here so i had to put jeans on before i even left my room and later rebecca had her math tutoring for to hours and i was so bored
the people aren’t that great sometimes

The one thing i could say no to

and i hated saying no
not just cos i would be nice to have that with someone regardless of who it was but and also it was the same question that id turned down so much already but i just don’t have the confidence to be able to and its easy to come up with reasons in my head why not
no light and can’t turn it on in case mum sees and bad angles and whatever
but also i was pretty sure if i had he would regret it in the morning and also if i was her it would have really hurt to know he’d done that
and we ended up finally talking in a bit more detail about the chat site and it then got to a point where i went back on it
initially to have a random conversation with whoever to show him as an example of what it was and then i just got stuck there again
doesn’t help that its easy to load on slow wifi and youtube isn’t
so that happened
and then today
and there were interesting people
and then there was the boy the now snapchat boy
YES IM DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF OK
but not anything as bad as when i woke up this morning
i was pretty much a mental mess all the was to see amber
and now its gone downhill again
found some interesting people thought the kind that used to be a favorite to talk to
and got a little more creative than usual stepped out of my comfort zone a bit
i don’t like messaging on snapchat
HE ASKED IF I LIKE MEMES
sarah would say marry the boy
i don’t know what else to say tonight
I’m saying so many other things to so many people so i dunno

Adulting

its not a word but i did it
went to the bank and stuff
bought a cd and some candles
read through my old notebooks and tried to fid a book had that gives me everything i want out of a book at the moment but i don’t have one
brodie broke up with bree
bucket boy is stuck in my brain
the new candles are passionfruit that doesn’t actually smell like passionfruit
and vanilla cream that smells like ice-cream

OHHHHH
i totally forgot about the breakdown i had last night because of my book and then i couldn’t stop crying so i messaged brodie and he didn’t reply for ages so i messaged jarrod an it was the first time id ever talked to him while i was in anything less than an ok mood and i was certainly not ok at the time like bawling my eyes out and he was real nice about it but then too nice and it was really awkward when i was trying to not say no but get him to tone it down a bit
then i was talking to brodie and had a decent conversation about his feelings for once and it kinda just sounded how it was for me and i want to message bree and ask if she’s ok but it would be definitely taken the wrong way and EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE BREAKING UP WITH EVERYONE THESE HOLIDAYS
and I’m still single and lonely
great

So The Wifi Is Fucked

haven’t even heard simon’s voice today
but the thing is i actually have some videos saved so thats awesome
there will be no ash though unfortunately
so i spent the day doing thing that weren’t on the internet which was strange
taught rebecca some guitar which was weird and then i played and she sang along for a few ones
then played some card games
messed with my old set of dreads and kinda made a wreath thing
got rid of some books and tidied the top of my bookshelf and put the green block canvas up there
i finished the book mum gave me for my birthday and it was pretty good and i do want to read more cos the plot twist at the end wasn’t exactly something amazing but it was really cool
i guess its hard for me to get attached to some characters that id want to when they have such obvious love interests
yes i have a problem
dats it
trying to read a book again but i don’t know

THEYRE DONE

i don’t know how long its been but I’ve finally finished my dreads today
also cut my finger pretty bad while making wire things to go on them but it hasnt bled which is weird
theres not really much else to say except i went driving for the first time in a long long time and i went with rebecca
there were some idiots going round the uturn bit in quarry view on their scooters that both had L plates but there was four of them using them
and were kinda going all over the place
did stuff about the blindspots
and felt really weird the whole time but thats ok i guess
the wifi is being kinda fucked
i ended up talking to noah for an hour last night
twas a good birthday present
im also almost at the very beginning of all the gta videos and its kinda sad
the blood bank called me this morning and asked if i could come in on wednesday because they needed more of my blood type but i had to say id had a piercing too recently to go in and ill possibly be going to the dentist before i can donate again
and then a tattoo so yeah
its doomed really

IM OLD-er

so i said things to people that i needed to say and brodie and i actually had a decent conversation before i suggested we do something then he said bree wouldnt like us doing something alone and then i was kinda annoyed because even after everything and me for once not liking him and the fact he has a girlfriend we still need supervision to hang out
its fucked
had a good talk to lily too
then later on becca messaged me just past midnight and said happy birthday
even though it wasn’t official til 3:15 so a couple hours later but still no one knows that
IM HAVING AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH NOAH AND THIS IS GREAT
year nine ten and eleven me is having a meltdown and i accidentally called him cute
he might become and army boy
IM EMOTIONING WAY TO FAR INTO THIS
need to get back on track
so woke up at an actually decent time
mum was just leaving i was up for a while before rebecca got up then mum and i went to the crematorium and a couple of supermarkets and the warehouse
then home for pikelets but i had real bad cramps set in and then i did the normal workout plus an extra abs one and it fixed it
this is the longest conversation I’ve had with him since he thought i was becca
talking about life and shit
did presents
had some great messages from people
like toby which was unexpected but cool
posted a couple photos of my actual day of birth on instagram
youtube
felting
and now talking
its been a good day
except for the cramps
fucking period

Last day of being 17

i think i should say some things about turning 18
maybe write a poem about it
but i have other shit to say first before i get too sentimental
and as usual a bit heavy on the mental side
i also think i might message some certain people stuff i think is kinda important
but ill get to that
basically i woke up and then ended up in a rush because rebecca and i were going to lunch with dad
while i was in the shower i was thinking that its my first birthday without grandma and grand-dad and that I’m turning 18 and i miss them and i never really mourned either of them and theres so much grand-dad hasn’t seen of my life and there will be so much to come that the won’t be there for and so i asked mum if we can go to the crematorium tomorrow
wrote something for the boy
then went to lunch at denny’s the place of gods and had nachos as usual and talked a bit but dad and rebecca did a lot of the talking about driving and stuff but when i did make comments on stuff i felt more like myself and i didn’t feel weird about it except for feeling weird about how it didn’t feel weird
wrote something for the wife
then at home i didn’t really do much but sit on youtube and think about stuff
i painted my nails and
HOLY SHIT I ALMOST LOST THIS ENTIRE THING
im an idiot
did the workout and stretched a pathetically little amount
and I’m almost finished all my dreads and i think i might make it to forty
in before i don’t have enough dreads to finish all my hair
i might be able to steal some of the purple ones from my other set if that happens and if i can find some thin ones
and one for jarrod
i feel like it could be considered leading him on? but i don’t think he’s in an emotional state to be lead so does it matter?
i don’t really know if i have anyone else to say anything to

i think what I’m saying in the things to these people is basically all i need to say to go I’m done with being seventeen and i can be a little bit different and a little bit better starting from tomorrow
and i know some things will still stay the same like how I’m not going to be confident doing some things on my own or with my art and my writing for school stuff but i can’t just change everything overnight

I’m grateful for everything that has happened and how its impacted me as a person and who i am now and what i want to do with my life because of it and I’m even more grateful that after everything we’re friends again and i care about you a hell of a lot more than i do for the majority of other people in the world and i hope you have hope for your future and manage to do whatever it is you end up wanting to achieve.. love you man :3

wife wife wife wife wife i love you a hell of a lot and I’m proud of you for everything you’ve done so far and can’t wait to see everything else you do with your life because its going to be amazing because youre amazing and ill be here for you whenever you need me and i hope we can still manage to see each other even though I’m crap at making plans and then actually doing them but i swear next weekend if youre free we’ll do something

heyyyyyyy so i know we don’t always have much to talk about and sometimes conversations just end out of nowhere but I’m really grateful that after everything we can still talk and i can almost promise that oneway ill fly over and something will happen because we need to be weird in person at least once in our lives and I’m glad that i made an account on that stupid site and then messaged you back x

I’m getting old and when you get to my age things that used to mean a whole load and were so important get put into perspective a little bit

tomorrow i’ll be eighteen

NO SHIT of course there were no rom com moments at the show

yeah thanks liv for giving me false hope
all good though i guess
didn’t really expect anything to happen
I’m getting too old to be a circus kid
and its almost exactly two years since i got my lip piercing done
I’ve been thinking about going bigger with my ears but my seconds still aren’t healed 100%
the show was great
there was quite a few new people and there were still the old ones there who it was great to see and everyone had still gotten loads better since i last saw them
i swear he’s gotten taller
and so has kate i think
actually talked to him a bit and heard a rumour about an r16 halloween show coming up and I’m actually really excited about it but one thing I’ve thought about that kinda scares me with going back it my belly button piercing like how would that get caught on everything while i was there
and also the fact that i am so not fit or flexible and i can’t next term anyway because I’ve got the whole term booked with the faultline poetry workshops
went to south and thats basically all thats worth mentioning
i dunno what else to say other than i probably won’t be doing anything for my birthday

turns out i was right

so didn’t end up seeing lily today
and yeah was a day late so i was hoping i was wrong but nope I’m gonna have to deal with my period on my birthday for the first time so thats great
what shit timing i have this year
hasn’t done this for five years and yet decides oh so youre turning 18 here happy fucking birthday adult woman
already started thinking of myself as 18 so hopefully won’t have as much of the awkward how old am i again transition this year
CALVIN AND I HAVE OUR TWO YEAR FRIENDIVERSARY ON FACEBOOK TODAY
i know i added him a few days before my birthday
this is really weird
they did the video thing for it
………happy hannah and calvin day……..
its a bit mad
and I’m going to see him perform tomorrow night…
snapchatted liv and sarah about it and liv replied
we need to catch up these holidays hopefully
anyway haven’t seen him in over a year
still gonna probably end up with a three maybe even four day nostalgic crush on him afterwards
but nothing will happen
I’m too weird and he probably already has someone
had a rest day with the normal workout thing do did a just abs day one and it was ok
going out tomorrow in the day too

i wish i knew if people actually read these posts and how they were received
i mean like 25 people follow this blog and id like to know if they actually read it.. though the beginning of this might be weird and off-putting but hey its part of my life whatever ok

man i haven’t used the circus boy category in a while but I’m bringing it back for a couple days

IT FUCKIGN SNOWED

yeah so thats the first holy shit thing of the day
but with theres more
so as usual before i watch the whole watch later playlist of the new videos I’ve been watching loads of the duded videos and its great
and i know i swear all the time but i really appreciate the censorship especially in the rage games
but anyway
thats not the first thing
so
went to the dentist right and they did an X-ray on the tooth i said was hurting and he asked if the crowding had gotten any worse
which it hasn’t that I’ve noticed and i also think its barely crowding at all like i know my teeth aren’t perfectly straight but like they’re not bad
but that wasn’t it
so i went for a whole mouth scan and turns out I’ve got the same problem that mum did with the whole impacted wisdom teeth thing
which may also be the reason why my ears have been so fucked for so long
so yeah I’m gonna have the special version of the wisdom teeth surgery because they really won’t be able to come through normally so all four are gonna come out as soon as theres a space
so my second time with general anaesthetic will be for that
I’m getting down to my last dreads and will probably have them finished for my birthday
i really need to be doing some art but i have no motivation or inspiration for it and i don’t know what to do
had my last guitar lesson with Katrina today and she said i should text her or call her sometimes and just tell her whats up
miriam said the same that i should message her when she was away but i really didn’t do that at all
played some new stuff and then it was done
I’m going to miss it and i need to email

i keep forgetting to finish my posts
emailed them
thats it
youtube
whatever
ash
done